BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone — 

First post so not really sure how this works.  I am in a relationship with a woman (I am 26M, she is 26F, dating for four years) who I suspect may have BPD. BPD first showed up on my radar during conversations about my partner's mother, who clearly expresses many symptoms (high reactivity, mood instability, downright cruelty at times followed by ridicule at others for being 'oversensitive' or 'not fun', etc). My partner has been on the receiving end of this abuse for her entire life, and her dad (a narcissist) and older brother have only ever enabled this behavior, so it makes sense that she'd be affected by it. I have had firsthand experiences with her mom's outbursts and can vouch for the fact that they are extreme.

My partner began researching BPD as a way of explaining her mother's own personality, but I've come to realize that there are a ton of symptoms that she, too, displays. She describes feeling perpetually "lost", shows dramatic instability in mood, and lashes out frequently over slights that I perceive to be small or inconsequential (ie: what I eat, how I spend my time, dishes in the sink, how I spend my money, etc.) Now, I completely understand that all of those things might at some point become valid concerns. My own concerns have been consistently written off or acknowledged but unaddressed: we have an almost non-existent sex life, I feel like she is unable to emotionally connect, I feel like I'm held to an unrealistic double-standard. At this point I feel like my own concerns are largely brushed off, or otherwise flipped to focus on my own issues. I've recently discovered I have ADHD, and I'm used to doing stupid /careless things on a regular basis, so it's easy to see her perspective sometimes. Regardless, I also feel as if every time I 'succeed' (being proactive about cleaning the house, remembering to turn lights off when I leave a room, consciously choosing healthy meals), the bar is raised and the cycle continues.

I guess I have a lot of questions, but I don't know where to begin. In a household where it's just the two of us, it's difficult to know if these things are my fault or hers. How can I know for sure? Is it possible to salvage a relationship like this, or is this doomed to perpetual misery? There are enough positive experiences and shared interests to make me want to continue, but at this point she has only just begun her own therapy and discussing her own BPD seems pretty much off the table. Honestly, I'd welcome any advice at this point. Thanks for reading.  :hi:

Hello,

Sounds like she needs to want to get the professional help. Otherwise the cycles will keep happening. The cycle of making mountains out of molehills (constantly). Read on mindfulness. It's a daily practice that is highly recommended to Borderlines in order to stabilize their emotional responses. Hope this all helps, maybe you can take up the practice and she will follow? I always say we when I suggest things so my SO doesn't feel attacked (that is common).