BPDFamily.com

A little it of a backstory here.  uBPDh fear of abandonment most likely stems from his relationships with his parents.  His dad cheated, got bankrupt, etc., and his mum stuck with him.  Still together.  Basically he felt that she sacrificed him for his dad as she always sided with his dad.  Which is true, but I guess with a pwBPD's black & white thinking, it feels so much worse.

Anyway, before Covid, something happened and he kind of stopped contact with both of them.  They used to come to our place fairly regularly, to play with our kids.  But we don't "need" them for anything (as in, they're not our kids' carers, H is, and although it can take some pressure off him when they came, I felt that H sometimes felt it's not worth the trouble his dad produces, as his dad has his own ideas and doesn't always listen to him re the kids).  So basically, we haven't seen them at all this year. 

I don't know if I should bring it up.  I mean, I don't really care if I see his parents, and I don't care if they come.  Although I do think it's a bit bad that they're being "punished" and cannot see their grandchildren because they did something their son didn't like.  And to be honest, I have a lot more stuff to worry about, and basically if H's uBPD stems from them, then it's because they didn't deal with his feelings when he was little and it's really actually their fault too. 

But I also wonder if it's good for his emotional wellbeing to just cut them off, to just sweep everything under the rug.  Like they don't exist.  Because we all know that feelings not dealt with (esp those with parents) will come back to haunt us.  But I don't claim to know what is best for him.  Maybe them not being around will lessen his triggers?  I'm not sure. 

Do you think I should ask him the situation regarding his parents?  Like, is he ever going to invite them over, or will we meet up with them?  His parents' birthday this year were past; he didn't wish them happy birthday or anything.  We all know how cruel pwBPDs can be; so goodness knows if he's planning to cut them off for good.

But I'm also scared about bringing it up.  After all, it may trigger him, and I don't really want to be taking sides because I don't see things as black and white.  Also, they're not the people I've living with; it's him I'm living with so I felt like I shouldn't bring up something that isn't even close to my heart.  But it feels like this whole thing about his parents are just hanging in the air- or maybe it just feels this way for me, and he's already come to a conclusion about what he wants in his relationship with them.  What would you do if it happened to you?