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It has been about two months now since I have broken up with my bf who has undiagnosed BPD, however there are a few things I cannot stop thinking about for some reason, that just made no sense to me. It gives me a very sick feeling, and I wonder if anyone here has experienced this or might know what it is.

We were dealing with a long-distance situation for quite some time, and we had a limited window in which we were together. But when I did, I noticed something really absurd. He said he wanted me to feel like I could trust him, so we agreed to let each other look at our phones. When I looked at his call log, I noticed most of the calls were from random numbers. Almost zero contacts called him, just these random numbers, all the way from the beginning of the call history that was like a year... Each number was different, and did not repeat. Either he called them or they called him, and the log showed he was on the phone a few minutes at a time at least. We are in different countries and usually he uses Whatsapp for everything, but this was not on Whatsapp. It was the regular phone, which leads me to think it was local, and something serious he needs to hide...

Now he was a bizarre person, and had some very strange behaviors (as all BPDs do) including this weird problem with intimacy and sex. He claims it was some issue opening up, I always thought that it was more than just that he was detaching...  I wonder if the numbers had anything to do with that.

I tried asking him but of course he denied anything, he swore he wasn't doing anything and "I have no idea what it is".

This is the one thing that drives me crazy. How he could stone-faced lie to me about something so obvious. Something that is clearly happening! And then call me a liar and think that I am the one who hides things and does "shady stuff". How he could be so intellectual and seemingly aware on the one hand, and yet, on the other hand...Totally unaware of himself. I'm having terrible dreams about him now, where he chases me and shows up, and tries to be close to me and instead of giving in (as I started to fear I would do before) I now just feel ill, because I feel like he is doing some really sick stuff. What is so bad that he has to have these numbers that literally never stay the same? Every week, several times a week, sometimes every day?

He prided himself on being such a "good" man, on being so "self-aware" and deeply introspective, on doing things generally considered right, in terms of love. I'm starting to think there is a really twisted can of worms there. But the thing is, I want to know. I want to know what it is.

I know it is behind me, but this is just very upsetting. I am tempted to reply to him once again to one of the dozens of emails he had sent to try to get me back, (not to return - but to demand he tell me just what this was) but that would be a mistake, I know. He would just blow up and start accusing me and try to find any way at all to make me look like the one who is messed up. It just makes me feel very terrible.

its really hard to say, solspectre.

personally, i get about two calls a day from random numbers, which is over a dozen a week. the times vary. the numbers are always different. ive received non specific texts, and voicemails, too.

most of them, in my case, are debt collectors. some are debt collectors after my mom  :(

if they are all different numbers and not repeating, but still pretty regular, there are pretty good odds that thats what/who they are.

Hi Solspectre,

I thought your post was quite interesting, so I went googling, and found quite a bit of info about apps which generate random phone numbers, and various reasons for their use.

Perhaps you might recall seeing one of these apps on his phone, and now with more info and hindsight, it might explain the numbers, although not why they were being used.

This link is to an article on why using random phone numbers on Tinder is a good idea - might this fit your scenario?

https://www.appsverse.com/blog/why-you-should-get-a-burner-number-for-tinder-tw/

I understand you aren't together anymore and these thoughts are just your post-fact insecurity?

If so just let it be.

My ex BPD partner also had a lot of strange numbers on their cellphone. Later I found out she was calling her ex. So I could have been suspecious about it, but really what would be the point of that? Frankly, there is a big chance she was contacting other people, I did catch her 2 times doing that. And there is a big chance she went to a rebound and that I really don't know the extent to which cheating was taking place. There were lies on top of lies. But what good does it do to even think about it. The thought does sting, but me finding out is not a priority. I am better off letting it be, it doesn't change anything.

It's an illness, it pretty much presuposes cheating and lies. In that case, what does knowing or not knowing accomplish? If you're anything like me, you probably attach your own feeling of self-worth to another person's opinion of you, so if someone cheats or lies, you feel like less of a man or a person. But that is a really distorted way to look at it. Shouldn't they feel like garbage? They cheat, they lie, the illness makes them really suspectible to these things, and ultimately it doesn't have anything to do with their partners.

And as to the question: how could they lie so easily? Oh my friend, my ex BPD partner who was caught having unprotected sex when we went exclusive, lied to my face presented with undeniable facts. That's what they do, and more likely than not, they'll blame you for finding out. They cannot face guilt like normal people, it means death to them, so it's easier for them to make you die of jealousy and gaslighting instead.

When i checked our joint account the other day, to see what he had done, my therapist asked what the point was? He's going to spend it if he wants to. Since I can't say anything about it, what's the point of knowing?

I realized it's part of the game. I don't want to play anymore. I could hop on the apps I know he's used in the past, to see if he's on them. But it won't help me to know.

At some point, I guess I had to realize that I'm better off not knowing. My therapist said that whatever I know is not even the whole picture anyway. It's always way, way worse.

It's hard to get comfortable with that. It feels like something WE can control, to just figure out this one last puzzle. But it's not helpful.