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Title: Validation Trap How to get out of it while setting boundaries? Post by: happysad on September 23, 2020, 05:13:04 PM :help:
Discussions with my DD 17 start like this: Monday 9AM: DD: My BF is passing by and we are going out for breakfast. Then we will see where we go. *here she assures she will logon to virtual class and do the work. FYI, her school work is delayed a couple of weeks and not being submitted on time Mom: DD, remember that 9 to 1PM are school hours. You may go work at the library, but no going out between these hours. DD: (Gets really exasperated) You don't know what's going on, I am very upset, you don't trust me. My friend is going through a rough time and I need to be there for her, I am taking care of my stuff. I hate you. I am going anyway and I don't know if I am coming back ever again. Mom: Sorry to hear your friend is going through a rough time. And you are right, I do not know what is going on with you. But you will have a chance to visit her after school hours. And if you want we can talk about what's upsetting you. But we have an agreement, and mornings are for school work. DD: See, you don't care about me. If you cared enough you would listen to me and let me do this, because that's what I need. I don't care about your stupid rules. And you never listen! So basically, its a dance between we remind her of a boundary, she says she needs to do what she wants "to feel better". We stick to the boundaries set, she refuses to listen and claims that we do not listen when we don't abide to her request. It's an endless loop that goes for almost every interaction when we say NO. For DD, validation = doing what she wants when she needs it Does it happen to you? How do you break this cycle? Title: Re: Validation Trap How to get out of it while setting boundaries? Post by: Swimmy55 on September 29, 2020, 08:26:51 AM Hi Happy,
Validation is hard, because sometimes it comes out as condescending , which sets off the BPD even more. From your scenario below, it sounds like your validation was good. For the boundary ,think of a consequence you can enforce with her. Going off with friend = something ( no tv, no phone, ) It has to be something you know you can enforce and not walk back on. You will have to stick to it no matter the howling on her part. |