BPDFamily.com

I am sure it's the same for all of us but my W is great at dealing with the kids when they are compliant, but her stress tolerance is low and is deeply wounded by comments about simple things like cooking. I'm not overly concerned whether the kids think my tomato pasta sauce the kids prefer, but she is. As the children have grown older they have become more and more opinionated and defiant which she also finds difficult to deal with.

I do believe it's very important for her that the kids to believe her narrative. I can think of a number of reasons not least that it must be difficult for her to think that they think badly of her... but then also, if they don't believe the narrative it somewhat shakes her own belief in it's firm foundations. They HAVE to believe it else the temple falls down.

New-Life

We see this as well.  My SD's mom is fixated on all of us realizing that she was/is "right" and that her decisions were appropriate.  By her logic, if she was right and the decisions were appropriate, then there are no hurt feelings/trauma, and therefore nothing for her to change or make amends for.

Yes, she is not at fault, she was justified and she has nothing to answer for or is responsible for unduly causing others distress.

There has to be a good reason for her actions... else why would she have done it right?

I'm sure we're all guilty of this kind of backwards thinking. I know I am when I think of some of the idiotic things I have done... I must have been justified right?... BUT... how long does that last before I am able/forced to reconcile with myself the actions I took and say "actually buddy, you were a colossal wally there for no reason other than your own choice".

We all have personality traits.  Ours are hopefully "reasonably normal".

In the case of most disordered persons with BPD, their traits are abnormal, to an extreme in one direction or the other — or both extremes — in predictably unpredictable gyrations largely dependent on their perceptions and self-centered needs to blame, shift blame and deny responsibility.

Whew, that was a mouthful.  Everyone has personality traits.  Everyone is entitled to their perspective, even if messed up.  Doesn't mean it's okay to negatively impact others' lives.

Hi.   :hi:

It is true that we all do this sort of behavior at one point in time or another.  Many of us can see what we have done and take steps to correct course, make amends, etc.  pwBPD often, not always, but often can not as it represents a threat to self.  Annihilation.  I saw it with my mother time and again and it is only as an adult that I am able to sort through it all.  It is true it is hard for your soon to be ex.  It will be potentially devastating to your kids. 

How do you see this impacting your girls currently and possibly in the future?  Are you able to think of strategies or how you can fortify your girls to be able to sort through this, thereby reducing the emotional damage?  Building resilience is deliberate ways will be vital to their emotional health and stability.

 |iiii

It will... and he definitely needs to act on it sooner rather than later.  The book "Understanding the borderline mother" provides a good overview of the situation.

D10 has quite a lot of awareness of her mothers traits (and her family). In many respects I see this as a good thing and the not knowing or not being able to see the traits for what they are might lead to the children feeling they are constantly to blame for the things my W says they have done wrong. Instead D10 can look through her rants about them being late (for example) and chuckle to herself and having the confidence of seeing it for what it is... blame shifting.

I have for some time used times when the kids have had problems with friends or maybe we've watched films together where there's a 'thing' where I might see it as an opportunity to educate the kids on what "some people" do and the way that "some people" process stuff in a different way. You can regularly hear the cogs moving where they're interpolating that knowledge onto other people they know.

I have to admit, I was totally ignorant to this other world 5 years ago... totally. I thought mentally ill people were visible and obvious then the rest of us were just split into a few buckets of @seholes, nice good people and timid shy people. I can't say I'd given it much thought even though I was living with someone I knew was causing me a lot of heartache and I couldn't quite work her out. I put it down to being hormonal and female and just figured I was probably to blame... Being able to consider that people might process information in a different way to ourselves is half the battle.

New-Life

It is so sad that your children are having to endure having a mother invalidate them when they don't see things the way she does. At the same time, your children are lucky to have you to be there for them. I respect you for the compassion you have for your children and their mother.
My mother had BPD, and she got very upset when my siblings and I, and my father did not see things her way. When I read your post, I feel like I have walked miles in the shoes of your children. I hope you are able to have lots of quality time with your children, and let them know you value how they think and feel. There have been many people in my life, including my father, who have let me know since childhood that mom was not normal and that I am indeed a person worthy of value and love. Do take every moment you can to be there for your children, as the loving and caring father that you are.

Mine are college students and got this before I did. My ex took off and had almost no contact with them for a year. In that year I actually tried (and of course failed) to give them the party line as you relate. Their response was to not talk about him at all and to walk away if I brought him up.

Then I got my head straight and stopped the party line. I encouraged them to work it through themselves and figure out what they wanted in a relationship with him, if any. At that point I also set boundaries for reconciliation that I told them about and told them that divorce was probably inevitable. I wasn't ready to start it myself and had some financial issues, so there was a delay until he kicked it off. I validated their feelings of abandonment as I worked through mine own.

When I told them that the divorce was off and running they hugged me and that was it. He decided that they would be all distraught and broken up. They were not. They asked about the laws and attorneys.

It was very disturbing to me that he thought that I could control their thinking about him. For crying out loud, there had been abnormal behavior at home for most of their lives.

A friend of mine who is therapist (not my therapist) has kids nearly the same age and went through the exact same thing. When he had his moment of clarity, he moved out and started the divorce process. His ex thought the young adults would be a mess, and they weren't. She blamed him up and down for that. Gosh, so familiar.

There's clearly a fine line between validating the valid or at least not invalidating the valid and fuelling fires that would be better starved of oxygen. It's tough to know where that line is when a child is spewing a lot of very very valid observations because they've finally been granted permission to say that what they've experienced was a little weird and made their heads wobble.

I'd like them to see me in colour as well... warts and all.