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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Keylime on October 16, 2020, 08:15:55 PM



Title: How to find a solution
Post by: Keylime on October 16, 2020, 08:15:55 PM
We’ve been married 5 years and 2nd marriage for both. Trouble began shortly after wedding with odd accusations of me looking at other women and a high need for a relationship that hit all the senses. She was very focused on receiving my full attention when out in public and became critical if she felt I didn’t show her love and respect. We started going to counseling initially to address issues from her previous marriage which was very high conflict and  resulted in her loosing custody of her only child. She characterized the ex as a narcissist and that may have been true. I had never experienced behaviors such as hers, one minute saying how wonderful I was and the next saying how uncaring and terrible I was. She wasn’t open about her past and it was hard to have a serious conversation without it becoming an argument. I began to look for explanations and came across an article on BPD. I had never heard of it and discussed it with our counselor. He agreed that the behavior I was describing was consistent with BPD and he reviewed her personality profile done as part of her custody trial and concluded she exhibited BPD traits. I brought his diagnosis up to her but she totally rejected his conclusion and said the problem was all me. I began to believe it was me and ended up very confused, angry and depressed and this further hurt our relationship as she said all I brought to the relationship was negativity. I continued counseling on my own to address these issues and began to seek healthy relationships with my family and friends apart from her. When I tried to set boundaries I was met with her anger so I’ve ended up avoiding her more than trying to work through issues. The trouble is I still don’t know for sure what is going on. I’ve got my own issues, I came from a family where we didn’t talk about feelings and just carried on. I am an ACOA and probably OCPD, at least according to my wife. I’ve read several books recommended by my counselor but still no end in site. Where can you go to find a solution?


Title: Re: How to find a solution
Post by: Naughty Nibbler on October 17, 2020, 09:30:39 PM
Hi Keylime:
Unfortunately, you don't have the power to fix someone.  The only thing you can do is focus on yourself, how you interact and how you react.


Quote from: Keylime
We started going to counseling initially to address issues from her previous marriage which was very high conflict and  resulted in her loosing custody of her only child. She characterized the ex as a narcissist and that may have been true.
 Since she tells you that everything is your fault, got to consider that this is a replay of her prior marriage.  Her ex might not be as horrible as she indicates, and she could be telling others the same story about you.  Usually, if a woman loses custody of a child, there is some reason for it, especially since you are experiencing so many issues with her.

Quote from: Keylime
I brought his diagnosis up to her but she totally rejected his conclusion and said the problem was all me.
It never goes well if you tell someone they have BPD or BPD traits.  Best to focus on the individual behaviors.  

Quote from: Keylime
I continued counseling on my own to address these issues and began to seek healthy relationships with my family and friends apart from her. When I tried to set boundaries I was met with her anger
Unfortunately, most people don't accept boundaries with a smile.  You have to be firm and consistent.  It's common for things to get worse, before they get better.  That is called an "extinction burst"

Good for you to continue counseling on your own.  Stick with seeking healthy relationships with friends and family - hold that boundary.  It's common for those with BPD to try and isolate their partner, which is unhealthy.

It's common for BPD partners to project their bad behaviors onto their partner.  "You are the one with BPD".  Continue to work on yourself and your communication.  A good thing to master is validation/don't invalidate.  It's important that you don't invalidate your partner's feelings by word, expression or body language.  You don't want to validate something that isn't true.  If you aren't comfortable with validating "feelings" in a given situation, then best to stay silent.

There are a lot of good communication skills to learn her, so check out the "Workshop" area.  If you go to the large green band, at the top of the page and check out the "Tools" menu, that can be a good place to start.


Title: Re: How to find a solution
Post by: start_again on October 18, 2020, 09:40:19 AM
Hello Keylim,
If you truly believe that you are ACOA I would suggest joining an Al-Anon support group - you are not alone.  In an Al-Anon group you will learn that it is not your job to fix others.  Your job is to take care of yourself.  I am also an ACOA and also a member of AA, sober 28 plus years. 
I tried to be Mr. Fix it with my SO and the results were less than stellar.   It wasn’t until I began to accept my SO BPD traits  Then I was able to change me and my attitudes.