BPDFamily.com

 My father has BPD and it causes much distress. It's bad enough he lied and manipulated my mother, cheating, lying about work and money, he would also lie and manipulate me. He has very violent behaviors and instances with substance abuse. He recently moved out and I'm not sure where the relationship can or should stand now. I don't talk to him as I'm working through therapy. I don't want to lose him as he's been in my life for 13 years, however, how do you help someone who can't and won't help themselves? He started going to therapy and taking meds while he was here but after leaving he stopped. I'm really not sure where to go from here.

Hi Smurf,
That is honerable and brave of you to want to take care of your Dad.  However.  One thing I've learned from being the adult child of a borderline parent...you really should focus on yourself and your healing (first!).  Afterall, you deserve it.  :)

Welcome and I hope you will post a bit more.  What are you working on in therapy?  How long have you been in therapy?  I am happy to share more of my "adventure," I spent a significant part of my 30's (almost a decade) working with therapists after going no contact with my BPD'd mom.  I am approaching 50 btw.  I did cognitive behavorial, to get past some of the trauma (PTSD) like events with my Mom, from childhood.  As an example, I had a memory of my Mom dropping us off on the side of the freeway in Montana, and taking off over a hill.  My siblings and i ran after her, as the car disappeared, we truly felt abandoned.  I remember collapsing in tears after sprinting after the car for about a mile?  She eventually came back and got us, but this memory was painful for many years...  My T worked with me to rephrase this particular scene and other similiar "incidents" in a more positive manner.  In this example, I was left with the statement 'I feel strong' rather than 'I feel abandoned' after the therapy.  Just an example.

I also tried hypnotherapy later, and that really helped me the most.  You should not be afraid to try a combo of things.  I also feel that No Contact truly helped me gain some much needed perspective.  I am now low contact, with better boundaries (I hope).

I found this article helpful as it sums up how I feel as an adult child of a BPD'd (or narcissist) parent.  we do have some unique challenges, I think.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/201910/foreshortened-future-view-in-adult-children-narcissists

I am interested in hearing your thoughts Smurf

B

welcome, Smurf97  :hug:


This is such an important step. I'm glad to hear you're taking care of yourself.


Has your therapist made any recommendations about reaching out to him or taking additional steps?