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Title: Not Sure Post by: NoBlinders on November 24, 2020, 12:58:23 PM I think my SO has BPD - she definitely exhibits the traits. She was always mercurial, but we always found our way through. I see now that we have / had a really unhealthy dynamic at times, but we were both supportive and loving, and the issues were sporadic and manageable.
But since the birth of our child, she's really struggled, and with COVID it's completely out of control. I'm not blaming her - I have a huge part in this. Until I started reading "Walking on Eggshells", I was frustrated and angry with her, pushing her to get help and to work on our relationship. I see now that my trying to convince her to get help was just doing the opposite, and I've made a big change in the way I feel about her and see her. After someone suggested she might have BPD, have been reading, and it feels like the scales are off my eyes. I have so much sympathy for her. She goes from cripplingly ill (headaches, stomachaches, exhaustion even after sleeping for 12+ hours) to furious (at me, the kids), to depressed. This has been going on for ~2 years, and COVID has pushed it to the worst it's ever been. She has no support network: the only people she talks to are an abusive family member who she swings between defending and hating, and a toxic friend who has a clear chip on her shoulder about my partner and actively encourages the rage and emotional damage, while privately saying she she knows my partner is deeply unhealthy and needs help. I do find it positive she has someone to talk to, even though I know (and other friends agree) she would very likely be happy to see my partner's relationship fail and would use a breakup as a way to keep my partner in her life in the way she wants. Any time she has contact with the family member it causes distress, then she has days-long secretive talks with this friend, and I can set my watch to the blowup / meltdown. She starts therapy, and then it gets hard and she quits. We do couples therapy and she shuts down when it gets hard. I'm in therapy and she barely tolerates it. She had medical challenges as a child, and now and any attempt to get her to seek help - even saying something's not right - makes her spin off into rage, then sadness, then blame. I'm sure others know the routine. Not sure what I'm saying / asking. Since I've been in therapy I've come to terms with the fact that, unless something changes and she gets proper help too, either she will leave or I'll have to. It's really helping me to set boundaries and be calm and empathetic - and I can see her struggling to push those boundaries and find reasons why my empathy is manipulation. I do love her, and I do want this to work. I know she doesn't want to be alone, but I also know she may never get help and will likely find a reason to leave and then blame me rather than confront her trauma. Does anyone have any thoughts on what it takes for someone to decide to get help. Even if it's not BPD, even if she really just wants us to be over, she's suffering so much with incapacitating physical illness. I can't imagine the collapse of her family, shared custody of her children, and the loss of everything she has will make things any easier. But if those things won't do it, will anything? Am I wasting my time, should I just end it and deal with the fallout now. Does anyone have positive stories, suggestions. I've basically resigned myself to making it through the holidays for the kids, and then letting the chips fall where they may. Title: Re: Not Sure Post by: Cat Familiar on December 07, 2020, 09:50:57 PM As you’ve experienced, it’s really hard to get someone with BPD into therapy. https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy
It sounds like you’re assessing your options and are deciding whether you want to continue in this relationship. Please keep reading here—our community built knowlege base has a lot of good information. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0 |