BPDFamily.com

I feel so overwhelmed some days.

We had a minor fight yesterday about me helping with Thanksgiving prep (my family all but forbids anyone but the host from the kitchen during holiday cooking generally), but at the end of the day everything seemed good and everyone seemed happy with my contributions.

This morning we had a fight over what feels to me like a minor issue. My wife ordered a jigsaw from Home Depot to work on some holiday crafts, and we got notification yesterday that it was out for delivery. We are confident it never arrived, and she went to bed very upset due to a major (unrelated) headache and the package issue. I mentioned I would call the 1-800 line in the morning if she reminded me. She did, and I called, but was put on hold and then hung up on, so I told her it would be better to email. Long story short, I feel I fulfilled my promise, and even offered to contact via email, but we both feel hurt at how the other treated the situation. We spoke briefly, and at some point my tone was not appropriate and she told me "You're just reprimanding me, stop talking please," but in a tone that sounded more like "Shut your stupid mouth." I left the situation, recognizing it was not going to improve until we'd both had a while to reflect on the situation, and I left after saying (admittedly slightly more aggressively than maybe was necessary) "I am sorry for my part in this, I'm leaving the situation."

She followed me into the room and exploded. She told me she helps me all the time (true) but I can never help her unless she "needles" me constantly, that she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life like this, and that she was "DONE."

This is far from the first time a fight has devolved into her threatening to leave, and I am not actually worried about our relationship in that way (we've been together for over a decade now), but I don't understand how to deal with these situations. When we were younger, I would try to actively solve the situation (which I still do but try to avoid because I know it isn't helpful), and I've also tried giving her complete space when these things arise, and various stages in between, but nothing helps. I used to get that cold pit in my stomach when she would shout that she was leaving, but now it just makes me feel tired and lonely until she is ready to talk about it again.

My wife was diagnosed a year or two ago with Borderline Personality Disorder. She takes multiple medications for BPD and other related issues (as do I), which have absolutely helped, and she is in therapy (as am I), but on a day to day basis I don't feel like anyone around me really understands. I've spoken to friends and they are supportive but keep relationship talk at arms length as most of them are much younger than I. I can tell from their reactions that they think my wife is just bonkers or something, but I don't feel like its my place to tell them about her mental state without her explicit permission. Her sister lives with us, which sometimes can be helpful, but when my wife goes to her for help with these situations, I'm left to my own devices. Usually I fill the time until she's ready to talk with games or schoolwork or videos, but I think she perceives that as me just not caring and going off to have fun while she suffers through her own internal struggles.

More than ever, I feel isolated and confused. What am I supposed to do?

Sorry for the scattered and rambling post, I can get caught up in my own storytelling when I'm upset, and I definitely did here.

It’s hard when you’re doing your best and you still get blamed. When someone has BPD they often don’t see our attempts to be helpful and kind. Here’s a link that might be useful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

Sometimes we need to do less and just listen more.