BPDFamily.com

Hello!

So I've been dumped. Twice in less than 2 weeks, by my ex (wow, calling him 'ex' now in writing is hard). He blocked my number, I stopped by his place (yeah, I know..) and he doesn't want to see me. First time he did it I somehow managed to leave him a voicemail and he contacted me back, and I've tried to make it better, but surprise surprise, I did something that he found very offensive, which showed how stupid, malevolent and mean I am.
I never knew about BPD until I've met him. I didn't knew in what I was getting into it. He's not on treatment, I'm not sure he even knows he has it (the reason I'm saying that I'm pretty sure he has it, it's through a discussion about my relationship with a psychologist who hinted that based on what I was describing, the signs are pretty clear). I started to read about and I do empathise that this is a disease, that he didn't chose it, that this emotional roller-coaster is basically a symptom. I can understand and see and explain now the patterns that we had in our relationship.
I realise my faults in getting dependent on his viewing of me, taking everything to heart, reacting to his anger outbursts, not being very good at just validating his emotions, neglecting myself, focusing on him, on his needs, his feelings, him, him, him. I know that was bad.
Here comes the best part: I do want him back. I know it will be the same thing again, since he doesn't get it, and I'm not even sure if he'll get into therapy (and of course, he won't just get better after 2 sessions). I also know this type of relationship is damaging me.
Why do I still have so much hope things will get better? How did you got over it?

Thanks!  :hug:

I don't think that's uncommon for those of us who were dumped. When we weren't the ones to end it, we obviously still had hope. I think, too, there are varying levels of mistreatment by Borderlines. Mine had quiet BPD, and she never lashed out at me and said those cruel things that others have experienced. I would never stand for that. Our relationship was workable if she would have put in the work.

Sorry for what you're going through. The first several weeks are the worst - the first few months, really.

Welcome PunkParamecium

sounds like there is a lot on your mind about the r/s and conflict, this is normal.

Blocking can still be a form of connection, and at a touch of a button on a certain day, blocked can be made to unblock. Closure is a two way street as was the relationship. Id like to give you the heads up on this, that there is every plausible chance you might hear from him again, and that there is support available if you wish some advice on how to keep in contact, whilst detaching, others here have taken this route. If you do get back together there is the "bettering a relationship" part of the board, in other words there is a range of support for every situ and however it might even fluctuate.



regards tohope, how realistic it is based on past events, was there much breaking up and going back together to-and-fro during the r/s? this might play a part, it did for me.

 my way of detaching was to go complete no contact, but I would not take much inspiration from that or be looking for a "pathway" - there is none, it needs a more tailored made approach, so I encourage you to share as a way to give more insight and therefore more tailor made support on the individual circumstances.

sounds good, knowledge helped but can take time to sink in, it is a complex disorder, try to find balance in the way you go about doing this and also where you get information from, particularly when doing so from an emotional point of view especially in the early part of this breakup when feelings are more raw, they will get better.

You were love bombed, no doubt.  And mirrored, having your behavior admired and emulated..  It’s like a drug.  Some may recognize it, know better than to let such false admiration continue, but I learned the hard way  :( 

We’re treated as their saviors, and rewarded with their full attention and affection. It seems perfect, and all we want is to get those times and feelings back..   

But to them, it was exhausting!  Hiding their true emotions, expending unsustainable energy pretending to be someone they’re not..  So when they hit the wall, it becomes ‘our fault.’  And the harder we appear to want it back, the harder they struggle to get away. 

If they’ve someone set up to replace us, it may take longer before they return.  But they rarely stay away...  That appears the reason we're left wanting - with them having come up with bogus ‘reasons’ to ‘end it.’  I often felt I was being tested; how much crap I was willing to endure equaled how deep her hook was set. 

What will never happen is a long-term stable relationship..  We can do that, they can’t, and the reasons they can’t maintain a healthy R/S will continuously be blamed on us. 

I also noticed that ‘her’ way of distancing from me always included a campaign of badmouthing and lies to whoever would listen.  And my forgiving that became proof that I remained open to abuse.

Tried & tried; seven breakups, couples counseling, two books and unconditional love.  It just gradually worsened.  She knew ‘I knew,’ so time between forced incidents became less and less, and the pattern became obvious.  Eventually, the Hell of maintaining the R/S outweighs all previous joy.  I ended it, she’d have led me on to this day. 

Weird thing too, is they don’t ‘want us back’ until we appear to have escaped their spell.  So as long as you seek him, he has no reason to worry, he’s got you - and very likely a replacement lined up.. 

My advice now wasn’t heeded by ‘me’ in the early days.  I had to play it out ... a slow learner I suppose.  So as I suggest you move away - and move on, they're not an easy drug to kick..

That is a very good post Inside...so applicable to what I am currently going thru. So clear as well. Thank you for writing that.

Iv literally just had the exact same thing happen to me , im blocked on sunday this week, and what you just described has been my life for the last 2 5 years , you would think i would of seen it coming as i was with a narc for 10 years but this was different hes literally like jekel and hyde its been a rollercoaster been xmas day im struggling and keep feeling like i want him back but we cant even though my heart is broken i know it will just be ground hog day

As someone posted on this forum before.
It’s like we have to deprogram  ourselves.
And oh I hear you. Usually I miss my ex bpd 20 percent of my time...Christmas Day, 60 percent. 
 

We’ve Nearly got through the day it’s just the flashes of the times they were loving and it’s so easy to forgot how vile it gets  red-flag

 I know... I know that...
And if it was March and the crocuses where pushing through I wouldn’t feel so hurt and angry.
  And I’m sorry I’m sure I am posting off topic and wrong threads.
  Oh well it’s the holidays damaged souls get a pass I hope till 2021.