BPDFamily.com

 :hi:
I am joining my BPD mother’s business this month after having lived away for over a decade & the chaos of the relationship is starting to swirl back to old times. I consiously chose into this trial warts and all both for my professional goals & as a way to share something with her that isn’t too personal. Already getting cold feet though and we haven’t yet started. I want to believe it can work, but questioning if I’m strong enough to weather the pending lows & highs of it all. Thanks for being a resource, I hope I can get tools & support from all of your collective wisdom. This is not easy. yellow-flag

You are going into business with your BPD mother and starting to feel that things are not going so well. My mother with BPD went out of her way to have my siblings and I invested in family properties including owing the family cottage and rental. My mother died last year and the joint ownership of properties/business has been a nightmare. It is not so easy to get out of a business when you are not the sole owner. I think you are right about finding ways to have a more distant relationship with your mother, and to keep the conversation to topics that are unlikely to trigger her. What do you think?

It isn't easy. If she was not your mother, would you choose this person as a business partner?

Every person is different, so your mother may not be the same as mine, but for many reasons, I don't trust my mother, and so would not be able to trust her if she were a business partner.

If for some reason I was in a business partnership, I would be consulting a lawyer to keep my own investment safe. I would also be concerned about any liability for her behavior, or interactions with clients and what might happen if legal action was taken against the business.

My mother doesn't engage in criminal behavior, so I would not be worried about that. I would be concerned she might not follow through on a promise to clients and not tell me about it, or not take responsibility for her actions, or blame me if something were to not go right even if she was responsible for it.

On the other hand, some people with BPD are brilliant at their careers, have a wonderful public persona, and can be quite successful in the public domain, but have their drama mainly with immediate family. If your mother is like this, then she'd be concerned about her professional image and not do irresponsible things. You would mainly have to deal with the relationship issues.

Thank you for the perspective and advice. I will be the sole owner taking over a business that she built, which she will stay on as a professional as long as she can keep up with the business & doesn’t become a liability. I do see her as more of a high functioning, desperate to keep her professional persona intact type and the abuse is mostly kept to our very immediate family. However, it resonates when you say she will not take responsibility for mistakes and may not be open to me questioning her once I get a little more experienced. Mostly I’m concerned that this will make me regress and bring out the worst in me vs. be a net positive. I am committing to this first 6 months after buying the business and will reassess after that if the desired outcomes are actually happening. Thankfully its not something that I need to work out, as I have backup plans but I really hope it does!

Mostly I’m concerned that this will make me regress and bring out the worst in me vs. be a net positive.

That's a challenge we all face - and working on our part is about the best we can do as we can't control another person. Since you own the business- if you are buying it, perhaps there is a way to have some of the assets or some aspect of it off limits to her. Let her manage her part, but this way she can not mismanage all of it.

I think it would also help you to have a support system. Counselor or support group so that you don't act out in the familiar patterns.

My mother is controlling. Sharing a business with her would be frustrating as she would want to manage/control every aspect of it. Pay attention to things that might make this proposal not worth it. If it's going to be constant conflict and drama- consider that.

Just a question - is your mom aware that this is your short term plan?  The good thing about this plan is that it gives you an exit strategy, and she is aware up front (a good thing).  On the other hand, it's possible (not necessarily probable) she is on good behavior until the 6 month trial period is over, and then things may start to get more complicated after that (when the honeymoon period is over - if there is one?).  In the worst case scenario, if being in business with your mom doesn't work out for you, I can see that leaving the business could feed into her whole "sense of abandonment" she would feel when you left.  For me, that would be the risk.  With my mom, I could see that leading to an epic crisis, but your situation is probably different.  Good to have an exit strategy from the business up your sleeve, should you need it. And good for her to know the plan in advance.

Good Luck!  I hope it works out.  There's no way in hell I go into business with my mom...