BPDFamily.com

So basically I had an LDR with this girl things were great at first she seemed very into me. (In my head it seemed a bit off but I still went with it anyways). We always FT every day etc. talked all the time always played games watched movies.(i didnt know what bpd was at the time but she had mentioned it once) Eventually things got a bit rough because she would see things I do on social media and take them way out of proportion. I do know there was some things i could have done ‘differently’ in regards to that (but no point in thinking of that now) as far as that though I never had bad intentions for her, never cheated, etc yet she it felt she never trusted me even though she said she did. She would get upset over social media likes, constantly checked who i was following to see whos pictures i liked. I also remember on one occassion I had told her it felt like she didnt have boundaries and that we are 2 seperate people but it feels like shes trying to merge us together so to speak. Nevertheless we would constantly get into fights or arguments etc weekly to almost every other day. It was draining. She was constantly jealous and manipulative emotionally, which I pointed out sometimes and would say things like “youre never gonna find anyone better than me” (which i didnt believe lol but how can you say that to your gf) I could tell she was very ‘ego driven’ but had no true self worth or esteem. Regardless of this I stayed with her because I cared for her a lot. Then came the time we met in person which was nice but I always had an underlying anxious feeling when I was around her and I never knew why. She was a virgin and we did mess around (not gonna go into detail) but I didnt want to go all the way with her as I wasn’t comfortable. She was upset about this and really really wanted me to take her virginity but I just couldnt. Eventually after she left things got worse she would sometimes bring up ‘other guys’ during our relationship (in my head i felt like she wanted to make me jealous but I dont get jealous like that I just get annoyed) one guy in particular was her coworker at her new job she always said that they are a lot alike eachother etc. which i kept in the back of my mind.  we kept having arguments until we decided to take a “break” so to speak for 1 week to think about our relationship. She decided that she wanted to breakup with me. And even over the break I had thought I wanted too but in the last second i felt i didnt want too and changed my mind but she still decided thats what she wanted so i accepted it and havent contacted her. One week later I hear from mutual people she hooked up with someone, and now they’re together. My question is what was all of that? Did our relationship really matter? I never saw her as the cheating type and even her friends/ my friends dont see her that way either? I just have these thoughts ruminating in my head and I dont even want her back but for some reason I just cant get those out of my head. I

its hard to be on the receiving end of a breakup, even if youve had thoughts of breaking up yourself, or even if youre feeling some relief over it.

it can be especially hard when the other person moves on so quickly. it can leave you feeling insignificant. when it comes to bpd, that is generally not the case, although its easy to feel that way.

it does sound like the two of you had a very conflict filled relationship that was built on shaky ground, but definitely intense and passionate. ive been there, and i know it can leave a void.

its not clear what you want to see happen, and the type of support you get here will depend a lot on that. you changed your mind at the last minute, but you say you no longer want her back. if you could wave a magic wand, what would your preferred outcome be?

Honestly I think I changed my mind last second due to just the overall intense emotions I felt at the time. i know some part of me does care for her and wants her to get help but she has to want to get therapy I cannot help her. i mean we were good friends and then lovers after all. If I could have a magic wand some tiny part of me says I’d want to make it all work and have everything be magically normal and things be okay but I know thats impossible. Theres no chance and no hope to ever have anything normal. I don't want to look back and I think only being one month out of the breakup I am doing very good imo as far as progress, I just need help in figuring out how to deal with recurrent feelings/thoughts/ruminations that pop up from time to time. These things sometimes almost trick me into thinking things could be ok again but I know they are just false hope

I also think to add you’re right, her moving on that fast made it feel as if out relationship didn’t matter that much to her and that she had just lied about how she felt.

the short answer to recovery from these relationships is that it takes work. i can tell you ive seen a lot of people carry the baggage into the next relationship. think of it kind of a like a broken arm. the broken arm will do some healing on its own, but it wont heal properly. a broken arm needs a good doctor, a cast, the right treatment.

first and maybe foremost it helps to talk and have a strong support system. this place was my lifeline. it will help to jump into the threads of others; it will make you feel less alone, and it will build your support system.

if youre experiencing depression, as 80% of members are, it can help to see a doctor. i did, and got on antidepressants. it can also help to see a therapist to work through the most difficult aspects, as the vast majority of us have.

in my own experience, and i cant overstate this, eating properly and sleeping properly was critical. i was starving myself and my sleep schedule was completely upside down and that made everything so much worse.

writing, not just here, but journaling on paper can be invaluable.

it does get better. it just, right now, might seem like it wont. the pain will dull, eventually, if you do absolutely nothing. but ideally, you want to heal, and learn the lessons you want to take into the next relationship.

as for ruminating, i found it helpful to post my thoughts here and get feedback on what i was ruminating about. some people really like to limit the ruminations, and certainly they can be debilitating, but particularly in the early days, i found it most helpful to just kind of wear myself out with it all. its your psyches way of trying to resolve things in a way that makes sense. how you go about that can affect your healing.

It just feels like she moved on so fast that I dont and didnt matter. It’s strange that I feel this even though its not that painful it just makes me feel like that was all a waste? I am taking what I learned and still trying to find lessons and better myself from the mistakes I made. Sometimes I wonder if she’ll ever message me in the future to apologize for things she did or realize she also had fault in the relationship besides blaming it all on me but that’s probably not gonna happen. She’s with another guy now and I still can’t help but feel bad for her even after all of that though