BPDFamily.com

Here goes...
   My son (BPs) is 25 years and currently lives by himself in another city/state.  Although he has not been given an outright diagnosis of BP, he exhibits all but 9 of the traits (and I'm thinking #9 kicks in from time to time as well).  He was diagnosed with ADHD (at age 13), and then 2 years ago with his most recent dr with Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD) and Cyclothemic Disorder (precursor to BiPolar).   I have watched him over the last 6 months and believe that the CD may have been a misdiagonsis -- medications don't seem to help and his behavior swings/outbursts are increasing.  In addition, I have witnessed the severe abandonment paranoia first hand. 

I currently live 9 hours away from him.  I have spent quite a bit of time with him over last two months trying to help with move process.  The only family support he has in his town is an aunt who he is not that close to.   She has offered to cook him meals, take him to lumch, etc..but as of yet, he has not taken her up on any efforts to help.   He also had a girlfriend who moved up at the same time. Fortunately they chose to live in separate apts..since they have since broken up (or at least that's the case this week!).   He moved from a one bedroom apt to an efficiency with his dog and cat and is so cramped.  He thinks his living conditions add to his depression and anxiety.  I tend to agree -- however it was his choice to move there.

His father and I divorced when he was 5.  We have both remarried.  My BPs does not get along with either step-parent.  His father does not believe our BPs has any mental issues --- he is of the school,  "he just needs to pull up his boot straps and get on with life"... He has also, not once, been to visit his son since he graduated from high school.  And yes, this has a big impact on my son.

However he has financially supported him through most of the past 7 years...with stipulations that if bps was in school, he would pay for all his expenses (he didn't want bps to work while in school?)
 
This past November, BPs's financial assistance from his dad was completely cut off (apparently trust fund ran out).  I offered to help him move to different state and agreed to pay for therapy for him which he knows he needs.

Found a DBT skills class that we thought would be a great match for him.   The intake therapist deemed him not stable enough for the treatment and suggested he go into a IOP program.   When I realized the time commitment for the programs, I agreed to cover living expenses for him if he entered the program.  (told him the program would be his work for the month.).

He was scheduled to start end of December.  Did intake and appeared to be receptive to program.  However 3 days in, he decided it was 'stupid' and that he didn't need three hours of people talking about their problems and claimed he was very knowledgeable on self-awareness.   So now I have covered living expenses for him this month thinking he was going to be in program.   Have found him another DBT therapist that he is supposed to be going to this afternoon.  Keeping my fingers crossed.

Many have asked me about hospitalizing him.  I did have have him taken to a Mental hospital when he was still living in my house (he was 18 at the time, so I thought he would be able to be released within 72 hours -- WRONG.  They kept him for 2 weeks and wouldn't release him until his dad cut him off insurance.  Needless to say, this event has left a very negative impression on him -- he is terrified of police and is afraid that if he says he needs help, they will just lock him up and throw away the key).

So, here is my dilemma.  I have to bring my financial support to an end.   I do not have the funds that my exhusband has.  And my husband refuses to shell out any more money for the situation.  And honestly, I'm not sure financially supporting him like this is in his best interest.  My BPSs is 25 years old and has really never been asked to survive on his own.  I know he should be capable, however I am terrified of pulling the purse strings with his mental state so unstable at this point.  I know I have to let him fall if that's what it takes.


I think I have come to terms if he becomes homeless or, God forbid, if he is finally successful with the hundreds of suicide threats he's made over the past 7 years where I've had to talk him off the ledge.

Before I move forward and work towards financially separating my funds from him, I want so badly to know that there is a safety net for him --- from the mental health community in his city, from the government, from somewhere.   I am trying to put together a 'survival' notebook' for him with resources that he could contact to get help (from counseling to how to get on food stamps).   

As I told my own therapists (best thing I ever did for myself), I think I could be at peace with cutting the purse strings if I knew that I had done everything possible to put a safety net in place for him.  Whether he chooses to use that safety net is up to him.   

And here is where I'm stuck.   Do I cut the ties cold turkey? Do I gradually decrease amount of funding?   My therapist had a great concept for me to think about... 'Am I 'caring' or am I carrying'?   God, how true!  I don't want to 'carry' my BPs for every...but am struggling how to do that and move into simply being a mom who 'cares'. 

Any suggestions on how others have handled the situation would be greatly appreciated.  I know I will have to make some hard decisions/actions in the very near future.  I am just so scared. 

Hi and Welcome
The good news is you have a therapist that is helping navigate you through this difficult time.  Also it seems your son may be ok with going into another therapy.
The "cutting off" is different for each parent.  Mine was slow until my son became violent with me , then I had to go the restraining order/ getting an emergency psych hold route.  They kept him for 8 days.  His Dad scraped up a cousin who was willing to board him in exchange for going into rehab. That plan didn't work. 
Long story short, even with the restraining order, I gradually cut stuff  off like paying his credit cards and cell phone.  A few months later I stopped paying his car insurance.  Each step gutted me.  However, me helping him wasn't making a dent of difference, and it was only hurting me as I could not keep up the $200+ / month for his car insurance. 

You are not wrong no matter which way you decide to cut off your adult son.  Stay  strong and put yourself first in your life.