BPDFamily.com

Has anyone here EVER seen a BPD partner be able to amicably co-parent once divorced?  Is it possible that once the divorce is finalized he'll eventually settle down and stop the blaming and rage that have been in high gear (on and off) since I insisted on a separation?  If I hang onto hope in that possibility, is it better to forge ahead with a divorce as fast as possible even as he threatens extreme behaviors... or better to take it slow and try to reassure him through it in hopes that he doesn't destroy and all chance for peaceful co-parenting down the road? 

     

     

           

It's difficult for people with BPD to manage their emotions, so there is usually always some level of drama - it depends on the level of the disorder and the skills of the other parent as to how much it affects you or the kids. My h and his ex have been divorced for 11 years and she still blames him (and now me) for everything.

What are the main problems now?  What kind of custody schedule are you seeking?

What specific challenges led to the separation?

How old are the kids, and was he an involved dad?

Before commenting, I'd like to state that we here seem to get the worst of the acting-out (disordered) cases.  Likely the lesser conflict cases don't have spouses so desperate to keep looking for help and peer support find their way here.  That's conjecture but probably accurate more or less.

We have a wide range of behaviors that our ex-spouses have expressed.  At one end of the spectrum a member had the ex sign the settlement - with a purple crayon - because she was afraid to appear in court.  By contrast, another's ex was so poorly behaved he had to move into a limited access gated community and the ex not only lost custody but lost parenting time as well.

The fact is we can't avoid all conflict or issues no matter how hard we may try.  If we could have then we wouldn't have had to end the relationship, right?  Even when separated or divorced there will still be times that even appropriate Boundaries might not handle.  (See our boundary topics here on our Tools and Skills (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0) board.)  That's why we also need a well written Court Order for custody and parenting schedules.

Once you're more familiar with the many skills, tools and strategies advocated here, plus the peer support and our collective hard-won wisdom on what usually works and what usually doesn't work, you'll feel more empowered and educated and not feel as pressured to appease or weaken your needed boundaries.