BPDFamily.com

I'm not sure where to start.

I'm worn down from worrying, being unsure what to do, playing scary scenarios in my mind over and over and over again.

We've been married less than a year. She was the person I most wanted to be around if I was going through something before we got married, but now, I feel nervous just hearing her voice.

I start to shake, I feel like running away sometimes.

She has never become violent towards me, nor threatened to do so. But she has behaved so erratically, which I had never witnessed in anyone before, that I just associate feeling bad and scared with her.

Based on what I've been reading, I think she's much better right now than many pwBPD. She seems to have a lot of self-awareness. She describes herself and what she's working on accurately.She's beginning therapy and medication and isn't resistant to it.

I try to tell her I don't see us as she's the messed up one while I'm up on a mountain top of having all of my stuff together. I'm sure I'm codependent, have ptsd, and anxiety. I said we just deal with these things in opposite ways. My way is to just want to get out and breathe and calm down and be alone till it passes, while her way has been lashing out, having huge melt-downs.

She acknowledges all of this, so that's a much more encouraging place than many other people are in. Isn't it? Or can pwBPD just say whatever but it still doesn't mean they won't go crazy tomorrow.

It's the constant apprehension of how she may react next, unexpectedly, that keeps me on edge.

She tells me to let go of the past, to stop looping negative thoughts about her in my mind, to try building new, positive associations about her instead of "insisting" on thinking about bad things that have happened in the past.

But I don't know if I can.

When I see her or hear her, I just keep thinking about her screaming and FOGing, and I start to tremble. She wants to be affectionate, but I tense up when she gets near me. She complains we don't have enough sex, but it's very difficult for me to see her that way.

She says she could think negatively about me as well, but she chooses to cancel negative thoughts with positive ones, and that I need to do the same. But I'm just not sure that I can.

And frankly, she scares me.

If I ever did choose divorce, I feel like I have no idea how she'd react. She sounds wise and philosophical when we've talked about it. She says that regardless of what happens, she considers having known me a blessing, that it opened her eyes to things about herself she wants to work on to be happy. That she'd never hate me and never would try to keep me or force me, and would always think well of me.

I want so much to believe her, but I still feel afraid. Afraid that if she got overwhelmed by emotions again, that all of that could go out the window.

She harps on the idea that I could just let it all go and enjoy the moment with her, and that I'm somehow stubbornly holding onto being anxious about her to have an excuse to leave her one day. That I COULD just stop choosing to feel this way, and instead I can choose to see how things are right now.

But they were bad so recently, and what really changed that I shouldn't have my guard up that they may happen again at any moment?

*welcome*

 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

It's obviously a very scary time for you.  There are signs of hope (therapy, she's not resistant..etc etc), yet there are legitimate questions of "will it get better"?

Do I have that right?

I want to assure you that we are a community of people that "get it" and can guide you through all these confusing and troubling possibilities.

It would help us point you in the right direction to understand a few more details. 

Can you describe your pwBPD,s (person with BPD) mental health team, medication and how long this has been going on?  Have you seen changes/impact?

Have you guys ever done couple therapy?

Do you have a therapist?

OK, married less than a year...how long have you been together?  Did you see any of the BPDish stuff before getting married?



Best,

FF

So much of your post sounds v familiar, except fast-forward about 12 years.

I will say that one fundamental thing I've come to understand is that there are THREE pieces to the puzzle: recognizing change is needed, wanting to change and being ABLE to change. I've had the first two off and on, and it sounds like you do too. What always falls down is the last (but most important) piece. Over and over, my H cannot make lasting change to stop the disruptive, unhealthy behaviors that effect our relationship (and lives). But everytime he wants to try, I get told, "let go of the past, to stop looping negative thoughts about [him] in my mind, to try building new, positive associations about [him] instead of "insisting" on thinking about bad things that have happened in the past," and " the idea that I could just let it all go and enjoy the moment with [him], and that I'm somehow stubbornly holding onto being anxious about [him] to have an excuse to leave [him] one day. That I COULD just stop choosing to feel this way, and instead I can choose to see how things are right now."

Another thing is that we're not CHOOSING to feel this way deliberately to spite them or to consciously not move forward. Trauma has long, physical effects on the body. It permeates everywhere. While some people can muster a certain amount of positivity, you shouldn't feel obligated or forced to if that's not what you're feeling. Now, it's possible that with time and continued effort on her part, the more positive feelings might return. No one can predict the future. You have to ask yourself if you're willing to wait for that possibility, since it's still fairly early in your marriage. Absolutely no one can predict the future, but you also CANNOT let yourself get stuck in the "what if" trap.

It's a limbo state. I get it. I'm there, too. It can be very hard to want to leave when they're in a "good" phase, but then we don't want to when they're in a "bad" phase, because we're worried for their health.

I think an important factor is whether you have children together.  Having children makes all decisions you face vastly more complicated.

So if you don't have children now, then my advice is not to have a child, well, at least until you've resolved your existing issues and future concerns.

My mistake?  I had been married for over a decade and my spouse was gradually exhibiting more and more concerning behaviors.  I thought having a child would make my spouse feel better.  It didn't.  Instead, she started living her childhood through our son.  Things got worse, not better.

I made a similar mistake.

BPDish stuff didn't show up until later in the marriage, we already had 6 kids.  Weird stuff showed up, kinda went away for a while, came back and then #7 showed up.  It "appeared" things were better for a while, then came back with a vengeance.

So...in my mind (prior to BPDfamily), having #7 made things better...so another should work...right? 

And it did, for a while...then came back even worse.

Then I found BPDFamily and started dealing with reality.

Best,

FF

Thank you all who answered above. No, we have no children. I am not in therapy as I simply cannot afford it. She has insurance so was able to get in on it, but I don't.
Yes, it's very true that she views emotions a bit mechanically, like I can just push a button and feel better. She claims to understand that they're not like that, but her instructions to feel better and let go obviously mean she views them as totally a choice.
Her only recourse to try to make me feel better is to be affectionate, but feeling how I do, that only makes it worse. I just want to sit on the sofa with a bit of space in between us and be able to have a calm conversation for now to try to feel better, but her only language is to try to comfort me physically and that makes me want to run away and I become tense.
She told me I must have a mental problem if I can't let go of feeling traumatized about the past and just make an effort to enjoy the moment and feel good about her, but it was only recently she was literally outside of the house in the street shouting and scaring me as I pleaded with her to come back inside and sit down and calm down. That was so traumatic for me, I don't know if I'll ever be able to not remember it when I see her. I feel allergic to the sight of her now as well as her voice.
Part of me feels that if I did end it, that it's essential for her to be onboard somehow and in agreement that it's for the best, but I realize that isn't likely.
Sometimes I feel like just running away and ending it long distance.
Sometimes I feel like I must show her how I feel in order to not lead her on; that if I pretended to be happy it would be unfair to her if I then left.
Oh, and no, I did not really see BDPish stuff beforehand, but I also didn't know what to look for. I now see that getting married at all was my first response to her first exhibition of FOG.

She is an adult, she is responsible for her life, not you.
You are an adult, you are responsible for your life, not her.

That is my way of saying you do not require her approval if you need to feel safer elsewhere.  Though I am a strong supporter of marriage and traditional values, I also accept there are realities to be faced when the marriage becomes dysfunctional and unhealthy.

I know inside that I can't see myself in this situation longterm. I wouldn't want to imagine life like this years from now, so does that mean just get out now?
And if so, how? How do you go about it with the least issues?
What would I even say?

Holy cow, this is my husband to a T.

DF,
Yes, it's like they can't see context at all because they're blinded by their own overwhelming emotions. All they know is "I want I want". For us, it can be an effort to just be in their company and keep up a pleasant act and make it through to bedtime without incident. It's a huge accomplishment.
But they can't see it that way or give us any credit for the huge effort that took. All they can see is "I'm not getting what I want. My spouse isn't thrilled to be with me, isn't gushing with affection, isn't into having sex, so I'm a victim".
She's even looking up sexless marriages online and complaining about it, rather than be appreciative I'm even making the effort to still be here at all. If it's such an issue, just say "I can't be in a sexless marriage so I want a divorce" instead of all this talk about how she's trying to change but pressuring me and complaining.
I just can't feel that way about someone who scares me.

They do have a way of flipping things back on us. She said "Even if you left me today, 2 weeks from now you'd just find something else to be stressed about. It's just what you do, it's what you're comfortable living in just as I'm used to chaos and find myself comfortable in it despite it being bad for me".

That's how they avoid responsibility and start to gaslight us and make us doubt ourselves. I DO tend to overthink, but NO, I was not constantly on edge like this before I married her, and I don't think I would be afterwards if we got divorced.

It's been so long since I just felt happy and carefree. Best case scenario with her, what could being together possibly offer at the expense of this much stress and misery to get to that point. I can't stand the sight of her or her voice, I dread having to spend time together.

At the expense of being vulgar, I imagine ending it as feeling like I had an upset stomach and nausea, and then finally threw up, and then after freshening up and catching my breath, feeling much better with a slight acidic sensation in my throat.

Romantic, I know.

Your body is giving you some pretty clear signals. I understand, too. My H is taking a week off in Feb, and instead of being happy or even neutral like most people, my heart dropped and a pit of dread formed. Tells you something? I generally don't look forward to weekends like 'normal' people.

Yes, but it's difficult after all the FOG to just do what I know I probably will need to do anyway.

The F part of the FOG is probably playing the largest part right now. I know I'm not responsible for the rest of her life. I know she'll always have BPD, but probably she'd also move on and find someone new in short order, and anyway, that's not my concern.

But the FEAR can be paralyzing. I keep reading on this forum about BPD ex's finding ways to make themselves felt even years later, even after one or both of them remarries.

I'd like to think that she doesn't fit into this category. she IS self-aware, describes her challenges quite accurately, is taking medication and due to begin her therapy very soon. i hope to God that she really would just walk away if we got divorced and let us each move on and heal.

Honestly, if I'm candid with myself, I probably would have begun the divorce by now if I didn't have fear of her response holding me back.

Her latest FOG is "it's an illness, just like cancer. I hope you wouldn't just leave me if I had cancer and say 'I can't deal with cancer so I'm going to bail'.
I couldn't even respond to that, as unfair as it was..

So she wants to choose the cancer analogy.  Hmm.  Okay, people with cancer usually turn the world upside down seeking a remedy, going to professionals and doing what needs to be done — surgery, radiation, chemo, etc.

What is she doing?  Briefly moderating her rants and rages for a while?  Or, conversely, has she started intensive therapy such as DBT or CBT with a well qualified professional, studiously applying the counsel in her life, thinking and behaviors, not just for a few session but long term?

If it's the first and she's excusing her behaviors, then her cycles of outbursts and empty promises to behave better will continue.

That reminds me, I used to live less than a mile from the Brooklyn Bridge and walked it countless times.  I have an analogy, can I sell you a bridge real cheap?

Good point, ForeverDad.
I don't think her manipulative arguments actually manipulate me any longer as much as they just concern me that she's not seeing things fairly or clearly and wondering how that may translate into action.
I know I have the right to not stay married to her. I know I'm not responsible for her regardless how she chooses to live it.
But at this stage of limbo, as DefiantRasperry aptly terms our similar situations, I'm mainly focused on how she will react if I do take action and leave.

I used to ride my bicycle over the Brooklyn Bridge every day to my High School in Manhattan.

This is such a common excuse! Best response I've read to this is "yes, but having cancer doesn't give you the right to be an asshole" and/or "someone having cancer doesn't mean you should be treated like crap".

That's a good response, DefiantRasperry.

Here's a text exchange from today before going home. Perhaps it can help other members here gauge the situation based on their much longer experiences than mine. Is she self aware or is this hot air? Do you think I should stop worrying about how she might respond if I go through with the divorce?:

Me: I DO overthink things. i DO scare myself sometimes and worry myself. HOWEVER, I still have the right to feel what I feel without being told "NO, you need to Feel X,THINK Y, WANT Z. You SHOULD feel how I say. change your feeling." As I keep saying, the MOST important thing for me is to KNOW that what I do is by choice, rather than feel like a hostage of Fear Obligation Guilt, whether it's big things like the entire marriage to little things like when I need to go somewhere feeling pushed to stay longer. So what reassurance can I have so I know, REALLY FEEL that we're both doing whatever we're doing by choice, that we're both free and that FOG plays zero role in it from either side? That's an idea that keeps bothering me, especially when the vivid flashbacks start in my mind. Thank you, and we definitely won't discuss this at all when I get there and have a nice time, but it's so much better to clear the air than just hold in what's on my mind and try to push it down.

Her: OK

Me: Oh, it was more of a question...

Me: So what reassurance can I have so I know, REALLY FEEL that we're both doing whatever we're doing by choice, that we're both free and that FOG plays zero role in it from either side?

Me: Because I don't feel like that sometimes. Especially when I remember being told that I was supposed to feel, think and want certain things or else, and that you determine it

Me:This is what makes me feel anxious in this marriage. Just telling me "think different think positive" doesn't really address the concern

Her: I told you I would keep it light and I have tried to do so these last evenings with the exception of 1 night I don't say anything when you want to go outside. I'll continue to do so. You DO have the right to feel however you want . You do have a choice. I do want you to feel different because right now you stress yourself but I can't change that if you'd rather me not say anything in regard to what I hope for because you think it might be pressuring you then I'll keep it to myself. I do know that a lot of what you say is happening isn't happening anymore. If the feeling is still there ok but the action isn't there anymore so all I'm saying is in reality what you are stressed about in this marriage is non existent.

Her:Anyway, I was looking forward to seeing you and I hope one day you'll see I'm really changing in part for you because I want you to feel good with me but most importantly for myself .

Her:I do hope you feel more relaxed when you get here

Me:Thank you. Can you understand that it isn't just a choice of I'm feeling this way to spite you, or I want to hold onto things or I enjoy feeling this way, and that sometimes events just leave trauma inside a person whether they want them or not?

Her:Yes I understand

Me: Ok, thanks

I’m sorry for what you are going through. I sounds to me like you are done. Sometimes there is a point of no return.

If she hasn’t started therapy can you hold out until she does, that way she will have support, if she has already started, then do what you need to do. You deserve to feel safe.

If you are not sure if you’re ready to walk away, maybe her insurance will pay for couples counseling.

B53

In my experience, they never change. They get a wee bit better, then gaslight you and tell you they're doing this for you, and they've come a long way and you're ungrateful etc etc. I've also heard the same cancer thingy. Thing is, what they don't admit is that recovery is a large part on their shoulders, whereas cancer isn't. It's pretty much like an addiction. It's very hard to recover, but if the person truly wants it and is willing to be held accountable, then they can get better. Fact is (from my experience), they play a cat and mouse game. Sometimes they're into getting better, sometimes they aren't and you're supposed to wait and "be patient".
I was just like you, my gut feeling was horrible. Leaving was the best decision I've made. It's pretty much like you've said, throwing up. Good analogy. It does hurt at the time and you may feel not so good afterwards, but the prognosis is good. While as if you stay, you're always holding onto that toxic puke.
I've been married for six years and had two kids.
I know my wife was pushing for a third and honestly, one does not know how far they could go to reach their goals. I was a lil afraid she'd stop contraception without telling me.
I don't live in the US where family courts pin the man to the cross, but where I live, I can say she's really getting the upper hand in alimony, assets, and whatnot. Still I'm glad I left.
But the most important thing I could tell you is, it all does not matter. You do not have the obligation to stay married to anyone you're not sure. You're not obligated to live a "so-so" life, to be "so-so" happy. You're free to leave even if she does improve but not to the point you require. Or rather if she becomes 100% healthy, but that's not what you signed up for. You're 100% free.
It's really about what you want, and trying not to feel guilty about it.

Thanks snowflake.

I think I'm passed feeling guilty anymore. It's just making it through each interaction without incident. No matter how much I understand the illness mentally, I can't really fathom the lack of "getting it" they have.

For instance, right after having a big discussion about how the way you communicate matters, and her sounding calm and reminding me of the person I chose to marry, something upset her and she was back at BPD talk all over again, making no sense, accusing me of having a double standard because her comparisons were false, cutting me off and shouting while denying she was doing it as she did it.

We had a counseling session, and when the counselor didn't say what she wanted him to say, she shut down and started raising her voice and started a fight all over again.

She wanted him to say I had an obligation to be intimate, and he explained that wanting to be intimate is emotional and can't be forced, so she had a tantrum.

The night before she started telling me to leave if I want and how she'd find someone new, and then the very next day it's like it never happened and we're definitely staying together by default and I was wondering "what happened to the out she gave me yesterday?"

At the very worst, most unreasonable moments she will decide to push a boundary and start campaigning for some thing she's been angling for, and it's hard for me to even begin to comprehend how that seems like a good idea. Right in the middle of  arguing or an apology she suddenly starts a new thread trying to push for something.

Then she wants to dictate how I respond, saying "just answer the question I don't need conditions and excuses just answer just answer" like I'm on the witness stand.

One of these days, I think I'll just in that very moment be able to walk out the door and not have to strategize with how I'll end it with a letter or something.

She just texted me :
I wanted to thank you for last night. You really helped me to understand a lot of things. I really appreciate you trying so hard with me and being patient. I feel really good today. Thank you.

WHAT IN THE WORLD? Was last night (described above) "good" in any way? They live in their own world, one with a very dense atmosphere of toxic clouds and fog where they can't see anything.

Can't wait to get on Enterprise or beam down from there, back to Earth.

B53 Thank you.

Counseling was a disaster. I tried explaining beforehand that the point wasn't to try to get him to say something specific to strengthen a position either of us already has, but just to present him with how things are and let him give us some insight.

She couldn't seem to grasp the idea of not having an outcome or direction she's trying to push for. As soon as she didn't like what he was saying, she became a 5 year old being told "no we can't stop for ice cream".

Then she suggested that i was somehow affecting what the counselor said behind the scenes and deceiving her."Who knows what you told him".

Hey, how did you expect this to improve your relationship?

What were you expecting she would do in return?

What were you "hoping" she would do in return?



Best,

FF

Last year... I wasn't ill but for days I was burping and it just smelled bad.  Then I got urges to vomit.  Finally a bunch of undigested sludge came up, over and over.  And that was it.  Doctor said it was probably gastroparesis.

Yes, that's how dealing with a dysfunctional relationship like our sort feels.

FF,
I guess when I say these kinds of things to her, I'm hoping it will pave the way for an out.

I've given up on expecting her to think or behave like a non would, but I always hope the the FOG will clear for just a moment and I can see the sky and just be able to say "okay then, let's do that, wish you well, I'm going".

So...that's pretty much what I figured. 

So..., yes you have a responsibility to "leave a door open" for a health...non-shaming way out.

That being said, leaving most of the thinking to him, even if it means he doesn't "see the open door" for a long time.

Practically for you this means DRAMATICALLY less words.

as an example

"I'm not able to continue this conversation when threats are between us."

You state your boundary and it's solidified in your values (no threats).

You don't shame or accuse, he can accept or deny that he has "threatened", you job is just to leave it out there.

Finally, you reference "couplehood" and "togetherness".  The threats have come between "us".

Very short to the point, no extra landmines or detours for him to run off on.

Thoughts so far?

Best,

FF

FF-You're really good at this. Something gives me the feeling you've done this before  lol.

I think you're right about narrowing the target to give her less to work with (ie distort).

Today I was thinking of, when the time's right, just calling and saying "Trying to change how I feel isn't working for me. It's taking a huge toll on me and I don't want to do it anymore. I don't believe it's fair to either of us, and I can't be the man to give you the love you say you need. I need to eliminate stress and worry, and this stressful marriage is something I can't continue with anymore for my own peace of mind. I need my life to be less convoluted. There's nothing more I can add. I can't do this anymore".

And then shut up, let her respond for a bit, and then however she responds, end it soon after with "I have to go now. Take care" and that's it.

I'm sure she'll respond with claiming how she's working on herself and getting help and changing and that I'm still clinging to the past. If she does, I can say "that may be true, but I have to choose what I think is best for me, and I no longer feel that staying in this marriage is it".

Your thoughts?

I wanted to add, she's being very nice the past couple of days after a talk we had. I'm trying to understand what everyone on here's been saying about "I"statements, but in my case, the only time I got through to her was doing the opposite for some reason.

When I used to try to keep everything as I statements, she attacked me for always talking about how I feel instead of how she feels.

But when I spoke to something she cares a lot about in her own behavior(being attractive to me), it suddenly clicked.

This is not politically correct, and some people on here may be offended, but this is what I told her:

If you walked in on me and I was wearing a dress and doing my nails, speaking in a high-pitched voice, would you feel attracted to me?

Her: no

Me: When you're in fight mode, shouting, cutting me off, acting like my opponent, trying to push me into a corner to answer you in the exact way you want, it makes me feel the same way. It feels like you're coming at me like a man who wants to fight me, not like a feminine woman who I want to be affectionate with. When you scream at me, I may hear you, but I won't like you, and definitely cannot feel attraction for you. It only serves to put me on the defensive.

Suddenly she got it, and softened up the past couple of days.

None of this is to say that I think men should yell either, or will be heard or understood if they do. I don't think anyone should shout at anyone or be abusive, but I was explaining how I felt when she acts that way: I feel like she's a man who wants to fight, thus it's impossible for me to feel attraction or affection.

So, I don't think what you said is politically incorrect (although many people would claim that).

You appear to be simply acknowledging a truth about conflict between men and women, that many/most people seem unwilling to acknowledge.

Broadly speaking

Two men become aggressive with each other:  Both of them know in the back of their heads that there is an "acceptable" way to solve the aggression by taking it to the physical realm.

Two women.  Same thing.

Yet when a man and a woman have conflict, where can that go?  What if the woman "smacks" the man?  What if she closes her fist and strikes a man?  (at what point is it ok for a man to knock her out?)

Last:  Why don't women and men box each other?  In MMA events, why don't they have men and women fighting each other?

I know that you know the answer, yet you probably also struggle to "adequately" explain it.

So, when a woman (bpd or not) goes off the rails in a relationship and is physically trying to intimidate a man, what are the mans options?

Note:  I think you did an effective job of opening the door to empathy from your pwBPD about the situation you are in.

Best,

FF

People with BPD (pwBPD) have had years to become masters of manipulation.  Whether consciously or unconsciously, doesn't matter which, she may sense the changes in your behaviors and reactions and be acting to create self-doubts in you, so now you're feeling torn on leaving.

That's important information.

It probably speaks to a dynamic in your relationship that's specific to you two, where she is vying for dominance through a pattern in your arguments.

I wonder if what's happening in your new approach signals a shift in confidence that she is responding to more than what you are saying (while also noting that you are locking into a recognizable stereotype she can get behind)?

This happened with my ex when I began to hold up my hand and say NO or STOP when he was on a tear berating me. I felt like I was talking to a child, especially because I would repeat the same word over and over in a dog obedience tone of voice. And my ex kind of responded like one. Subservient, submissive. Tail between his legs.

He treated me like a parent he was mad at for not letting him throw a ball in the house.

It wasn't a great dynamic tho it was preferable to being berated for hours.

Thoughts?

I go through this with a BPD step daughter, too. I have to generate alpha energy in order to cut her off at the pass. Otherwise I quickly discover I've lost a pint of blood somehow (she is covert aggressive so tends to be stealth). I find I have to do this over the silliest stuff -- her battleground is omnipresent and nothing can be treated as neutral.

wow, a pint of blood? I can't even begin to imagine what that must be like for you.

Well, the new leaf only lasted about a day, as can be expected. Today, she texted "love you", and honestly I didn't feel like saying "I love you too", and it became an all day pushing nagging thing of how all she wanted was a response to that instead of just asking about her day or telling her about mine.

She was complaining about how distant I seemed and how that scares her. Yup, pushing always remedies distance more than just giving a little room to breath. I'm sure in all her years she's noticed how well that works.

Finally at the end of the day I said it just to shut her up.

I'm starting to feel like I'm overcomplicating all of this, and sooner or later I'll just say "I can't keep doing this, I'm not coming home. I don't have it in me to keep trying to push myself when I don't feel it and I can't do it anymore. It's not fair to either of us and is only causing suffering. I'm not coming home. Take care."

Is his all via text?  Voice?  In person?
 
 What did you say to avoid it earlier (maybe a few examples) and then what did she say right before you said it to shut her up and what did she say after?

I suspect we have some boundary work to do here...but we'll just have to see.

Best,

FF

I've deleted the texts as they stress me and I tend to reread them.

But the gist was "all I wanted was a response to what I said, just those 4 words. I've gotten a missed call and other messages but all I wanted was a response"

Then she called back and started rambling about everything under the sun till I had to go, then got upset that I had to go and started texting about how I'm not listening to her and how I made her be on edge all day because I seemed distant when we woke up and then not saying I love you and she's scared or something.

I didn't want it spilling over till when I got home so I finally just said "Love you too". That's how she always seems to get what she wants, with pushing, and we've even talked about it. I said when you push it seems in the short run you got what you wanted but it doesn't work in the long run. It pushes me away and makes me feel bad about you and resent you".

Of course she can't understand this and will always go back to pushing.

So...why not let her push?

And you can do something other than respond, until you think it's healthy.

Best,

FF

Now supposedly this is what's sent her to the hospital.

She's suffering because she correctly surmises that I no longer love her, but I can't force myself to.

Now she's saying from her hospital bed to just let her go and find love because without love she's "fading away". Of course I can't have a divorce talk under these circumstances, but I never kept her here.

Early into the marriage (the whole thing is less than a year old), when I started seeing BPDish stuff and she was constantly starting fights, which shocked me, I began saying I wouldn't keep her in something she's unhappy in and that she has a choice.

I would have gotten divorced even 2 months in the way it was, but then all the FOG started.

NOW she's saying to let her go find love if I can't give it to her myself, now that she's in a hospital. How I wish she had just said that before and I was done with this nightmare by now.

She seems to know precisely where to push your button.

Actually, you can. But you need to be in a place (mentally) where you feel able. It can be a long road, as it took me many years to get there (here?).