BPDFamily.com

Hi there. I’m new to the BPDFamily family and am just getting my feet wet. I’m not sure where to begin so I’ll start at the beginning. My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for 6. In retrospect I can see the red flags as plain as day but at the beginning I honestly thought my wife was just suffering from depression from having been raised by two alcoholic parents with no ability to deal with emotions. I’m now able to clearly see a fuller scope of my wife’s mental health issues as well as how my own PTSD and depression play/played in. The problem is now I’m 6 years married and reeeeeally trying to be the best support I can be while taking care of myself. I have a chronic illness that has ravaged my body and left me with very early onset dementia (diagnosed at 34). So if you are someone who has lived with and gotten into arguments with a person with BPD you might be able to understand how dizzying it can be when your brain is struggling to keep up and your body is wrecked. My wife is currently seeing a therapist who she has a great relationship with. And there are certainly many areas of her emotional health that have been improving over time. But when she is triggered, which is pretty much constantly these days (thanks pandemic and the political circus), she is completely unable to see where she is straying from reality and/or creating her own sub-reality inside her anxiety soaked brain. She constantly assumes I’m upset with her and cannot grasp the concept that she assumed I would be upset with her because of old conditioning in her brain. Generally the problems start before I’m even aware she’s awake for the day. She talks to her therapist about what we go through but from what she communicates back afterwards her therapist is only getting a very narrow view of just how sick my wife is. My wife is one of those people who are fantastic at pulling off a beautiful façade complete with sharp dressing, intelligent conversation, and loved at her jobs. Nobody in their wildest dreams would believe the depths of her illness, especially my wife herself. But it gets reeeeeally dark when she’s home without constant stimulation and constant positive feedback. She stops participating in household chores without constant, and I mean CONSTANT, support. She will allow spoiled food to sit around, will neglect the pets’ needs (urine running out of litter boxes, dog not walked for days, etc) and she gets too anxious to drive or tend to outside errands. She is frequently dishonest with me if she thinks I will judge her for something and takes credit for things other people did/said to make herself look good. She will do just about anything to get people to like her including working too much to keep the boss happy but neglecting her home life. She also engages in sometimes very quiet and subtle self injury such as overeating when alone as well as very blatant forms like punching herself in the head and throwing herself on the floor/into walls and threatening to kill herself. And the biggest problem of all is that she doesn’t remember these episodes after they happen because she’s in such a heightened emotional state. So if I bring any of it up I’m often accused of lying or mis-remembering incidents because of my dementia or because I hate her.

I know that my wife faces a lifelong battle with BPD and I’m on board to weather the storms and help her live her best life. But I’m losing my ability to weather. And I’m running out of energy to fight. I need help dealing with her violent mood swings and dissociative states but her therapist can’t help with what she’s unaware of. I want to be able to share with her therapist a fuller picture of what is going on in my wife’s private world but I don’t want to damage either the relationship my wife has with me or the one she has with her therapist. This is the first therapist that hasn’t dropped my wife like a hot potato at the first mention of BPD. And psychiatrists are few and far between up where I live so the wait lists years long.

So I guess my question is how do I help my wife get the help that she needs? How do I take care of myself within this relationship when every attempt I make to put up boundaries is met with a wild lashing-out? Have I just been banging my head against the wall all these years? I love my wife so very much and don’t want to be without her. But I also don’t want to lose either of us individually in the effort of trying to keep our relationship together.

I’m tired and need help. 

This may be the wrong advice. I'm rather new here. Generally though, if you make it clear to her therapist that you're not asking to be directly involved in how they care for your wife, there is no harm in informing the therapist of the whole picture.

I did this at the advice of my own therapist.

Think of it this way, if she was suffering from cancer and not taking her medicine, you wouldn't have a problem mentioning that to her doctor. With or without your wife's knowledge.