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Title: Bringing up attachment theory Post by: Hope4Joy on February 09, 2021, 04:05:14 PM Hello, I haven’t been here in a while because it was overwhelming and depressing thinking there could be a giant elephant in my relationship that may never be resolved. Anyway, I just finished the book Attached and found it very enlightening. I definitely have an avoidant attachment and my husband is definitely anxious. We are definitely in the anxious avoidant trap. Hearing more depth about my avoidant tendencies immediately opened my eyes to see my husband in new light. I want to bring this up to him. I thought I would show him a diagram of the anxious avoidant cycle and see if he agrees that it describes our relationship. From there I could bring up the book. The thing is I’m terrified that he will shoot it down. He wants me to solve our relationship problems, but refuses any therapy and doesn’t even really want me to read relationship books. Did anyone bring attachment theory up to a spouse? How do they take it?
For me I think this is as impactful as the 5 love languages, which he did listen to me summarize several years ago and has agreed it has some merit. Title: Re: Bringing up attachment theory Post by: formflier on February 11, 2021, 08:13:34 AM Why don't you kinda go through what you think the conversation will be like with us and perhaps that will help you feel more comfortable You know...I'm curious to know more about the love languages talk. What changed in your relationship after you discussed this with your husband? When you step back and observe your hubby...what looks different about him after the love languages talk. Best, FF Title: Re: Bringing up attachment theory Post by: Hope4Joy on February 23, 2021, 02:59:23 PM Good idea. I think for the conversation to go well I have to catch him at the right time. I have to begin it the right way..setting an intention of improving the relationship. I’ll have to ask him to bear with me and be kind in response because I know he thinks I read into things too much, but that I think what I found is as important as the love languages. Then show him the anxious avoidant trap and that we seem to differ from the “normal” gender roles. Hopefully he agrees it represents us. I will tell him I listened to Attached and it changed my outlook on him and hopefully he has noticed some recent change in my behavior. I don’t think I can summarize it as well as I can the love languages and I would really like him to listen to it.
The love languages conversation was several years ago. I remember the conversation going pretty good and him agreeing with it overall. He does feel like it’s unfair that I need acts of service “in trade” of physical touch though. He does seem to think I think too much of it now tho possibly like if he sees me talking with friends about it he might say something afterwards. So...I might just hear crap about attachment theory for the rest of my life also... Title: Re: Bringing up attachment theory Post by: rum2020 on February 23, 2021, 03:22:41 PM You are awesome! To have the courage to have these conversations with someone with BPD who can be so invalidating and have the maturity to learn and evolve to have a healthy relationship with someone. I really hope that conversation goes well and you can see some improvement. I haven't read Attachment yet but will have to soon since insecure attachment styles play such a heavy role in these kinds of relationships. I definitely feel where you were at when you said "overwhelming and depressing thinking there could be a giant elephant in my relationship that may never be resolved". Good luck!
Title: Re: Bringing up attachment theory Post by: Hope4Joy on February 23, 2021, 05:01:35 PM Thank you rum2020. I’m too tired of years of struggle and we have a young child now so it’s time to get this relationship in a place where it’s healthy for us all.
Title: Re: UPDATE Bringing up attachment theory Post by: Hope4Joy on May 18, 2021, 05:31:50 PM UPDATE: I got access to Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love from the E-library. The first conversation is basically attachment theory and it is much gentler than the book Attached. We had the first conversation about a week ago and hubby agreed it was very accurate. I emphasized my own avoidant nature and how it comes from my relationship with my mother. We just had a big episode where he mentioned how my book reading obviously isn’t helping so I’m not sure if I can make it through the rest of the conversations ever (at least not with the book in front of me).
Praising God for His timing in revealing the right books and timing for a conversation. |