Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: MVJRMJ on February 11, 2021, 12:24:31 PM

Title: Yet another break up I need to stay away for now
Post by: MVJRMJ on February 11, 2021, 12:24:31 PM
My fiance and I have broken up about every 2-3 weeks for over 3 years.  We generally have gotten back together in a few days/weeks.  I need to spend a significant amount of time away from her now.  She has brought another man into the equation and it is beginning to get dangerous.  I am clearly not in a healthy enough place to deal with her.  Two days ago we were talking about buying a house together and the conversation to a bad turn.  We could not recover from this.  Last night I left her in a hotel because she called the other individual to come get her.  In her past she used to cheat quite often but never cheated on me in the three years we spent together.  Even this current situation I cannot consider cheating because I broke up with her "for good" prior to her getting involved with this other individual.  She broke up with him before we attempted to reconcile.  She is unable to handle being alone and I knew I was not in a place to be able to support her in the ways she requires.  She generally needs round the clock support.  I don't always have to be physically holding her hand but if I leave the house or sometimes even the room she is often unable to manage.  I have a 13yr old son from a previous marriage and when I have him for overnight visitations she generally creates a crisis to either get me to come to her house or at least spend the night on the phone with her.  I love her very much but I can no longer tolerate the splitting.  I need to stay away from her for an extended period of time if not permanently.  I can not handle all the crazy in my life any longer.  I really need some calm.  Any advice on how to stay away when she invariably begins to recontact me? 

Title: Re: Yet another break up I need to stay away for now
Post by: cash05458 on February 11, 2021, 01:23:34 PM
MVJRMJ...welcome...this place is a wonderful site via both it's people and the info to be gained here...as well as advice. So many very wise people here.

That you are breaking up every two to three weeks for the last three years isn't so much, to me anyhow, what they call red flags...that is the whole marching band playing at full force...perhaps start to listen to that and these obvious signs. That must be exhausting and taking it's toll on you

As I see a child (yours) is involved somewhat, continuing this towards a planned marriage sounds like a very bad idea...it will not solve anything...it would prolly make things far worse.

You may not be ready and that is fine...it comes in it's own time...but I would advise considering going No Contact with her if you are able at some point...it sounds like the two of you are deeply enmeshed in this thing and sometimes that really needs to be done to clear both parties heads...sometimes that intense dynamic just needs to be broken dramatically...

Title: Re: Yet another break up I need to stay away for now
Post by: MVJRMJ on February 11, 2021, 01:31:39 PM
Thank you for the reply. That is what I am trying to do.  As it just happened last night I am in a tremendous amount of pain.  I suffer with my own mental illness and a great deal of fear of abandonment which causes an increased amount of emotionality on my part.  I know the pain will eventually ease and I am feeling strong this time about staying away.  My biggest fear is how to deal with the likely future contact and remaining strong at that time.

Title: Re: Yet another break up I need to stay away for now
Post by: SinisterComplex on February 11, 2021, 01:35:15 PM
Is there any reason why you need to be in contact? The simple advice is to go Zero Contact. I say Zero Contact because No Contact for most is handled the wrong way. You need to just go about your business and move onto better and healthier experiences. Steel yourself away from the land of OZ. You have gotten to the point where you realize if she is around calm will not exist. The inevitable chaos will always be around the corner. Hopefully she can hit rock bottom and then see the light and get help, but...that is not your responsibility to help her or save her. Save yourself. Choose you and do you. Value yourself and your sanity.

Cheers and best wishes to you!