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Title: Hi Having a hard time letting go Post by: Squirrelgirl on February 17, 2021, 08:06:10 PM Hi-
I’ve been with my wife for about 16 years- married for 6. We are currently separated, I filed for divorce after a massive rage episode. My therapist believes that she is a pwbpd. My wife has created this narrative where I am an abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic and she is this abused victim. Here’s the thing- I understand that I have been mentally and verbally abused by her, I am trying to set boundaries (finally) but I do still love her so much. I’m at that edge- do I tell her that we should explore together that she may have BPD traits and try to save our marriage or do I let go? When I started reading into all things BPD, the first thing my brain said was “there’s treatment! So therefore there is hope for us to be happy again!” But- another part of me says let it go. Thanks for letting me ramble Title: Re: Hi Having a hard time letting go Post by: Mutt on February 17, 2021, 08:33:06 PM Hi Squirrelgirl,
*welcome* I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to our site here. You sound like someone that tries to find ways to repair things and not give up easily. I can relate with that. Divorce is a very personal thing and I think that partly goes with a r/s being a personal thing as well too. Nobody can tell you to stay or go that’s a choice that will take to sort out. It’s possible that the symptoms will become worse if you tell a pwBPD that they have BPD. It’s a deeply stigmatized disorder and its the most difficult to treat out of all of the personality disorders. Now if you turn the telescope the other way around how would you feel if you were told that you have BPD and one of the most difficult personality disorders? That being said a mental illness that is more widely accepted in the population is anxiety and depression which is often comorbid with BPD. You could suggest that she get help for either and that way that can nudge her in the right direction and a professional can talk to her about BPD if they diagnose it correctly. Has she had depression and anxiety in the past? Did she get it treated? Title: Re: Hi Having a hard time letting go Post by: Lucky Jim on February 18, 2021, 01:39:06 PM Hey Squirrelgirl, Welcome! Due to their black and white thinking, a pwBPD will usually be quite hostile to any suggestion that he/she suffers from a PD, which is why the diagnosing is best left to professionals. Indeed, telling a pwBPD of your suspicions may actually make matters worse, as Mutt suggests. A better course, in my view, is to employ the Tools (see above) to improve how you handle BPD behavior.
It seems as if you are contemplating a recycle, which is something many of us, including me, have done. If so, what makes you think things would play out differently this time? Worth thinking about. LuckyJim Title: Re: Hi Having a hard time letting go Post by: Squirrelgirl on February 18, 2021, 08:33:42 PM Thank you for the responses! She has sought counselling in the past but the therapists all “didn’t know what they were talking about” or some other situation like that. I have a feeling that when they tell her something she doesn’t want to hear it doesn’t go well.
I’ll check out the tools- I’m trying to learn to trust my gut in this situation. It is nice to know you all are here:) Title: Re: Hi Having a hard time letting go Post by: once removed on February 19, 2021, 01:33:20 AM if you have any hope of reconciling, even 5%, it would be wise to post on the Bettering board, and to learn the tools, even if you change your mind. Detaching is a board for folks in the stages of committing to a breakup, even if reluctantly.
recovery from bpd is hard. recovering a relationship that is at the point of filing for divorce is hard, personality disorder aside. theres a lot of history in a 16 year relationship and 6 year marriage, and i encourage you to share it as fully as you can. |