BPDFamily.com

Hello., I am new so I’m sorry if I post this wrong or get the wrong group.

My partner and I have been together for almost two years. It is a serious relationship and we were going to move in together just before the pandemic.The pandemic has taken a big toll on our relationship and I’ve struggled as things were also stressful for me at work. His behaviour has gotten worse and worse and combined with the work stress I’m amazed we are still together.

His behaviour has gotten to the point where he rants and raves at me most evenings over the phone. As we are long distance the impact is more manageable than if we were living in the same city as we used to (we both moved back in with family for the pandemic). I know it isn’t him talking and I forgive him when he is rude but it’s really upsetting. I know he does care about me and always apologises the next day/ week. I thought we had a strong relationship but his mental health is ruining it.

After a particularly bad episode where he broke up with me (he said it was because he knew I was about to leave him - I wasn’t) and then self-harmed, he was taken to hospital and has been offered therapy. He said he didn’t mean to break up with me. I could tell that at the time he wasn’t in a normal mood when he did, but it hurt all the same. I have agreed to give us another chance. I just hope it works as we can’t continue like this.

He has only had a few sessions but has started mentioning that his team have suggested a possible diagnosis of BPD. I’m confident he has it and it sounds like his mental health team agree. He has said he will have a proper talk with me after his next session, and I imagine he will tell me properly then. I’m nervous about having to confront the diagnosis and what it means for us.

We are both really close with both our families. Unlike other boyfriends has was treated like a potential future husband by my parents and my mum won’t stop dropping hints about marriage. They join me on Skype to once a week to say hello to him, but they have no idea how bad things have got. They knew he went into hospital but I told them it was for anxiety.

 So I’m unsure what my immediate family (dad, mum, sister)will think. Given the stigma, I do not want to tell them, but would that be unfair to lie to them? They already know he has anxiety and depression. Im nervous they might reject my partner? I’ve had secrets from them before and I don’t want to again. I think they will tell me to leave him so I’m in a bit of a bind. He was never abusive in an obvious way, but he was clearly really disturbed at his worst. He has improved since but I don’t think I can cope with another episode like that. He was great for the first six months but I understand that is common for people with BPD.

Ive already played down his behaviour to my family and I don’t want to “cover” for him, as it were, but I don’t want them judging him either. To be honest I’m a bit embarrassed too, and I don’t want them judging me for staying with him. Any suggestions would be really appreciated.

He says he thinks the stress of the pandemic caused it But I don’t want to agree if that’s an easy option and implies after the pandemic it will be ok.

 Can anyone offer advice for telling your family that your other half has BPD?

I think it's really your choice what to reveal to your family. However also consider if the two of you are in a long term commitment, they will likely see some of his behaviors and wonder what is going on.

While it's understandable that you don't want them to judge him or you for staying with him, it's also understandable that they would be concerned about you.

I think you have a good idea of what covering for him to your family would be like and don't want to do it.

I know you don't want them to tell you to leave him, but also they will think and say what they choose. Condider how you would respond to whatever they say. Just like you have the choice to love who you love, they also have the choice to think and say what they wish.