Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Cjais on March 03, 2021, 08:44:19 AM

Title: He denies a fear of abandonment, is this buried deep or not his real fear?
Post by: Cjais on March 03, 2021, 08:44:19 AM
My now expwBPD is convinced that he does not have a fear of abandonment.  I do also think he has a fear of engulfment too, but from the way he idealises me and then devalues me in the most horrible way, it does seem as if he has a very deep routed fear that he is scared that I will abandon him. Even though, what he’s doing to trying everything that he possibly can to push me away.... It seems that he wants to believe these awful things of me that are completely misconstrued and fabricated in order to convince himself that I’m not a good person to be around, when all I am doing is trying my best to support him and help him in whatever way I can.  I don’t always get it right, after all there is no rule book or set of instructions to the way his mind works. Don’t get me wrong, I really wish there was! This forum is the closest I’ve managed to get!

My question is, even though he is absolutely adamant that he does not fear being abandoned and that he actually copes very well on his own and likes being on his own and doesn’t care if people walk away from him, is this not the case? Is it actually the case that he has a very intense fear of abandonment and he’s buried it so deep and built so many walls around it, that he doesn’t actually recognise it himself?  Also, is this often the case with BPD, do suffers recognise their fears?

Thank you in advance for your responses. I’m trying to work out what I need to do and having all the facts helps me with this.

To add, his life story is that parents were from different countries. His mother British and his Father American. His Father was in the US Forces, but posted to the UK where his parents met. As a child, he had to move around a lot, where his Dad would have to move due to being in the forces. This included moving to America. His parents divorced when he was 6 years old due to his Dad having an affair. His Mother brought him and his two older siblings back to the UK and that’s where he has remained. He’s the youngest of 3 children with an age gap of 7.5 years and 9.5 years, so quite a bit younger than them. His Mum did mother him, being that he was the baby of the family and I do understand from his sister that often things would be kept from him by way of protecting him, which is something that irritates him as he wants to be included in making decisions.

He never had anything to do with his Dad. His Dad was quite controlled by the women he went on to marry (the one he had an affair with), so his Dad never really even made the effort. He’s very angry over his Dad about this, but not just for abandoning him, it’s more about the loyalty he has for his Mum. He’s angry that his Dad betrayed his Mum and left her to bring up his children all on her own with no support.  However, he has also said that his Mum had said to him a number of times that she didn’t really love his Dad, she found him attractive and thought he would produce good looking children, but I never knew her, she’s past away many years ago, so I don’t know if that was genuinely meaning that, or covering up her own hurt over the situation.

So, I can see that there could be abandonment issues, but not sure if it’s just that. It does make me wonder sometimes if he’s holding on to some kind of deep routed hurt or anger when it comes to his Mum, as he has permanently painted her white and as she’s sadly no longer here, it’s only him who knows if there is any upset or anger there.

It is so very hard, but what advise can anyone give on this?

Title: Re: He denies a fear of abandonment, is this buried deep or not his real fear?
Post by: Cat Familiar on March 04, 2021, 02:44:53 PM
Check out information on this book, I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56740.0

Fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment is classic BPD, as is denial and projection.