Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Happiness40 on March 03, 2021, 11:24:09 AM

Title: Any help with living with crazy would be appreciated !!
Post by: Happiness40 on March 03, 2021, 11:24:09 AM
Hi this isn’t my very 1st post, I made one in fit of desperation after one of he’s rages. So bit of back story. I have 2 teenage girls from a previous relationship and 3 more with my Husband..The eldest 2 also see him only as Dad. We have been together for nearly 13 years. There’s always been some weird behaviour but he’s mostly passive aggressive. So I would ask what’s wrong and he would pretend there is nothing wrong which has been in itself frustrating because I can obviously read the body language. The rages started when he’s sister past away from cancer and then he’s Dad a year later. I honestly was so confused and stressed out when it would happen because my husband can be the sweetest, most patient caring person and to see him turn into believing I’m the spawn of Satan was a lot to cope with. When this all came about at this time I made the decision to leave him and told him but the next day he’s Dad died so I stayed. After 3 years of turbulence it just disappeared.

We had at the time been dealing also with my abusive Ex had to move home to stop him stalking me. My 2nd eldest the same day he’s sister passed had to go into hospital with a condition that caused her have a major hip operation. I remember back at that time with great anxiety because he would get stressed all the time over everything and then I got ill with fibromyalgia, I guess my childhood trauma, the violent relationship and then the living  on egg shells all took its toll. After I nearly died when my gallbladder got infected it shook him up and I honestly have had the best partner for 4 years so we got married. Amongst all this though he wouldn’t allow me to have acces to bank accounts, we finally got a joint account but I’d have to ask before I could buy anything, he didn’t say I needed to but I know I was most like unconsciously made to feel I had too. He would never deny anything we ever needed though.

Then came the money never adding up always a different story, we was planning an expensive holiday and I stupidly trusted him. Anyway then came a near miss with cancer for him but needed to be checked every 6 months to get rid of any more that grow....then straight into lockdown. The holiday gets cancelled we have no money and everyday there’s a reason they haven’t gave it back so I demanded every bank statement. He refused and made the household toxic with he’s never ending projection towards me. I found out he’d gambled away thousands of pounds of our money. Had forged the emails to pretend it was being paid, borrowed a hell of a lot of money off my Aunt. I moved back in to tackle the situation because he was coping but then he couldn’t cope with me talking things through with my friends because it made him look bad so I had to keep leaving. It’s been calmer the last couple of months but mainly because I walk away as soon as I know he’s not listening to me anymore.

I have been having my own therapy from someone experienced in domestic violence.
I know in my heart I should really just leave him but at the same time I do love the person who isn’t crazy.

I have been taping he’s rages for proof if need be. He says I abuse our children, no one really likes me, I’ve abused him and our children, all sorts really. Mostly everything he thinks of he’s self apart from the abuse the children thing that comes from I shouted at our daughter on our honeymoon and I kinda hey the feeling that’s when he decided I wasn’t perfect anymore but I don’t know for sure.

I mean can the relationship come back from all of this?
I’m doing my best to have the time he’s at work for myself but he keeps messaging me about pointless things just to engage me. I know he feels me pulling away and that makes me feel bad but honestly I need my time to deal with everything and I don’t like feeling suffocated.

One more thing we have a joint tenancy on our house with the council and he has been adamant that if I ever want to spilt up it will be me who had to leave.

I don’t even know what to even do to understand all of this, last year when all this came out I thought I was going to have a breakdown and I feel better now but I can’t allow myself to ever go back to the place where he is my world for him to just take full advantage whether he means to or not. Basically I get so heartbroken everytime I think of our family splitting up. There’s also a lot more but this is the gist of things it’s a whole  lot more complicated then even want ive wrote.

Any help would be great

Title: Re: Any help with living with crazy would be appreciated !!
Post by: Cat Familiar on March 04, 2021, 03:00:12 PM
These relationships aren’t easy and it sounds like you’ve been through some tumultuous times with health issues, losses, and financial crises. Here’s an overview about these types of relationships:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Title: Re: Any help with living with crazy would be appreciated !!
Post by: Happiness40 on March 04, 2021, 03:54:43 PM
Thank you Cat, I have read this so many times now for the last few months. I don’t know if it’s even in my best interest to even try. I look back on a lot of things and can’t understand how you could possibly love someone and treat them the way that I’ve been treated mainly the last few months.

At the moment he’s trying to buy everything I’ve ever wanted and it’s making me feel uncomfortable because I know it’s he’s only way of showing me love. He doesn’t do affection. I feel like I should be leaving but I know I can’t make him homeless I don’t have it in me. I just also don’t think I have it left in me to keep being soul destroyed.

The lies after lies I can’t get my head around. We’ve never really had a sexual relationship because there’s always been some excuse on he’s part and I’m learning that has a lot to do with this illness too. I’ve tried to approach if we split up which leads him to spitting and accusations of the craziest things. He always says I need to move out he’s done most of the housework here which is true because of my Fibromyalgia but he gets carers for this. One night he tried for 2 hours for me to admit I haven’t got a diagnosed illness, I also have PTSD , Generalised anxiety and Depression. I feel like our whole relationship has been a lie I always knew something was seriously wrong but never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be this.

He is undergoing treatment. He hasn’t been diagnosed but he’s as adamant as I am that he has this. He’s sister and brother both have been diagnosed. He has so far done group therapy, one to one therapy and now this one to one says she’s not qualified and he needs psychotherapy for the long term.

He’s tried to triangulate my friends into arguments to prove him right and me wrong which in turn just creates more hostility towards him and then he feels hard done by because they won’t speak to him anymore. I honestly think if I did split up he would accuse me of abusing the children, he even got my eldest to agree she would stand up in court against me because me and her do argue. I honestly feel she has BPD too from the abandonment from her birth father and the violent relationship I had with him. I hate that our children are being pulled into adult relationships and I’m worried about what he says to the kids when I’ve had to leave the house when he won’t calm down.
I just don’t know what to do for the best anymore