BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I'm new to this and suspect my gf has undiagnosed BDP. She has most of the traits of BDP except some of the extreme ones like self harm however she has tried committing suicide many years ago.

She had a troubled childhood, didn't know her real father till a teen and then he flits in and out of her life. Mother had several marriages although settled with current partner for many years. Having researched I wonder if her mother has many of the traits.

Anyway I met my GF at work I was married to someone else and she was 18months seperated from a 10 year marriage. We fell head over heels, very intense sexual relationship, and really felt like soul mate situation. Then after a few months there were signs she wasn't really over her ex husband who by all accounts is a narcissist, typical South African man! I also had second thoughts and started speaking to my ex again that led to some very bad situations and very much made my gf hate me for a while. She ended up trying again (for about the 15th time) with her ex and we broke up. This only lasted 2 to 3 weeks and we soon got back together and by all accounts back on track and have been together 18 months but it's up and down. we seemed to go through 3 months when things were good then her ex every two to three months would ask her out on a date or text her about getting back together which put a huge strain on our relationship and would cause arguments that I would get so angry I would get up and leave her house till the next day but I always came back and we moved on without ever really dealing with things. Now in October we had one of these arguments and she said its the final time you abandon me after she was saying some of the most vile things anyone could say to another person. At the same time we were entering a new covid lock down, her ex had met someone new that he seemed besotted with and he also started the divorce proceedings. He stopped seeing his kids and while I stuck by my gf things were getting very toxic between us. We decided to take a step back and I decided it was time to go No Contact. The longest she has managed to not contact me is about 48 hours which after she begged me to be her friend. She said she still loves her ex and has never loved me although she says I'm a really good guy, treat her so much better than her ex, we have talked more in 2 years than she did her entire relationship with him and she really wanted a future with me. Shes extremely scared of commitment and settling for someone who isn't her usual type.

So now I research this BPD and it all makes so much sense but we're in a situation that I want to help and support her and be her friend but my ultimate goal is to be her partner again. Thing is she says she just doesn't know what she wants and is still healing from her ex. It's very messy and while there seem to be people who have gone through similar situations it feels like the combination of events has maybe contributed more to the current BPD.

I'm a bit lost as a lot of people say run as far as you can as whether its today, 6 months or 6 years eventually without treatment she'll only ever treat me like a toy to pick up and put down. I guess my questions are will she ever actually let me go and move on, will symptoms naturally ease as she gets her ex out of her system and covid restrictions end or ultimately without therapy is she doomed to always be this way until someone new comes along. She's very socially anxious so not even sure how she would meet someone. Does she mean what she says when she says she doesn't love me or is she just pushing me away because she can't understand her feelings or why I love her and stick around.

Mind is spinning 200mph

If indeed she is a person with BPD (pwBPD), you love a very difficult woman. Here’s an article that will give you an overview of how these relationships are: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship