BPDFamily.com

This is my first post. I’ve been married about 2.5 years and things have gotten progressively more difficult. We have a daughter who is now 9 months old, whom we both love dearly. My wife has not dealt well with the stress of being a new parent. The hardest part has been that we live close to my family and very far from my wife’s family. My wife is convinced that my family is against her, and she sees them all as unquestionably  bad. It has gotten to the point that I have had to shut out all of my family and friends. My family is not at all overbearing or mean spirited, although they are not perfect (no one is). They have made a couple comments in the past that have upset my wife, although they were not made with malice intended. On the occasions where we have spent time with my family, she latches on to something they say which offends her, and proceeds to lash out at me for hours or days afterwards. She won’t let me sleep. She keeps me up til 3 am even though I have work in the morning. She has gotten violent, punching me, threatening me, and throwing things at my face (including a full bottle of baby’s milk once) when she gets angry.

She refuses to work or look for a job, leaving the entire household financial burden on me. She has been unemployed for 4 years. I’ve tried to help her find a job by updating her resume, submitting applications for her, etc. but she always finds an excuse not to pursue something. I’ve spent the majority of our relationship lying to friends and family about her employment status (due to her coercion). I hate lying to family. I work a stressful job with long hours that I feel I cannot leave due to the financial pressure of being the sole breadwinner. She refuses to stop shopping for non-essential items like jewelry, perfume, and household decorations, even though I have cut many expenses for things I really liked and used ( magazine and streaming subscriptions, gym membership, etc). She shows almost no gratitude when I buy her what she wants. Conversely, when I try to say no she throws temper tantrums and tells me I don’t make enough money, or I should do something drastic like sell our house so we don’t have to live “in poverty” (which is a major  stretch).

She has an extreme smart phone addiction and spend hours on end scrolling through Facebook and Instagram. I’m left with not only the financial burden but the majority of the childcare and household chores as well. Whenever I ask her for help, the response is “Ugh, can’t I get a BREAK?” I’m not sure how to respond because I feel like I am constantly standing in quick sand. With Covid I am working from home which is great in that I get to spend so much time with my daughter. But my wife is constantly distracting me and trying to pawn off the baby when I am very busy with work. We need help - badly - and my mom who is now retired would love to come here to help. But my wife refuses her help, claiming my mom is abusive and even questions her ability to care for our daughter.

Last month things got very bad, and we agreed we could not continue and would have to divorce. We came very close to the edge, but I decided I would keep trying for my daughters sake if my wife agreed to see a therapist. She has started therapy but I’m worried it’s going nowhere. I think she is just giving her own version of reality to the therapist and he is only enabling her and not probing to get to the root of the issue. I say this because she told me he says that I need to be more assertive in “defending” her  (on the basis that everyone from my family is out to get her) and the only solutions he offers involve me spending thousands of dollars we don’t have to take her on vacation so I can work remotely while she suntans on the beach.

I’m here mainly to vent but if anyone has any advice I’d love to hear it.

So often people with BPD (pwBPD) feel threatened and seek to alienate their partner from their families. Perhaps it begins with worry that their partner’s family might see their faults and limitations too clearly. PwBPD tend to feel a lot of shame and self loathing and though they may be able to present a more polished front to strangers and acquaintances, with more intimacy comes fear that people actually see them as they are.

Sleep deprivation is abuse. How many times has she become physically violent?

You are the sole breadwinner while she’s the sole spendthrift. And due to her social media addiction, you are the primary caregiver for your daughter as well as responsible for housekeeping, yet she refuses to let your mother help.

That is understandable, as she’s probably feeling shame for not doing her share.

Have you considered scheduling an appointment with her therapist and sharing your concerns that she might have BPD? You really don’t know what her therapist is telling her, as you only have her account, which may be wildly inaccurate. Therapists can be fooled for a while by pwBPD, or it may be that the therapist is building rapport with her at the beginning, hoping to win her trust.

Often in therapy when issues are probed more deeply, pwBPD become too uncomfortable and prematurely end therapy.

Whatever you choose, it would be good to seek therapy for yourself. These relationships are so difficult that often even therapists enter into therapy if they have a difficult client with BPD.