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Title: Expressing yourself Post by: Jay1972 on March 25, 2021, 10:06:08 PM Hi All,
I want to know how others manage the issue of expressing yourself with a bpd partner. Latest incident this morning: child (6) having issues over his lunch order, basically having a go over not getting the junk food he wants. Wife (undiagnosed bp) goes from fine to super stressed in 10 seconds. Both are unloading on me for it and I decide enough is enough and react. Wife now in a mood and not speaking to me.. How do people handle this sort of thing. I know you are not supposed to react but I am routinely used as the target of their venting, often for things that are not to do with me directly. Letting it slide and taking the blame for things just reinforces the behaviour and is not healthy for me. Losing my cool obviously isn’t good either. How can I make it known how these things affect me without it escalating into more conflict? Title: Re: Expressing yourself Post by: once removed on March 26, 2021, 03:22:42 AM can you say more about what was said, and how you reacted? we can walk it through.
Title: Re: Expressing yourself Post by: Jay1972 on March 26, 2021, 06:44:06 PM Can’t really remember what was said now (heat of the moment type thing). Basically I was being yelled at on both sides and reached a point where I yelled back. Wife now saying that I constantly yell at them and that it’s unacceptable. Responds with disbelief when I explain I was reacting to their behaviour.
The main issue I feel is if I don’t react it just sets up a status quo of its ok to blame and verbally abuse me for literally everything (and 6 year old is picking up these behaviour cues), which isn’t ok at all. However any attempt to stop it is treated as I am being unreasonable (and met with the usual splitting behaviour). I know walking away is a recommended response but obviously in a family situation with a small child that isn’t always possible. Title: Re: Expressing yourself Post by: once removed on March 30, 2021, 12:57:25 AM its hard to go on without more detail.
i have memories of me as a young child where my mom and i would tease my dad. we would call him fat and bald. that absolutely mortifies me now, as an adult. my dad struggled with his weight most of his life. no man likes going bald. at 34, i struggle with both. i dont think id take it as well as my dad did if i were teased by my wife and child for it. at the same time, our responses define us. i could give you a list of healthy and unhealthy responses to such a thing. generally speaking, thats what id advise. keeping your cool, seeing the big picture of conflict resolution. try fast forwarding, imagining your son in a difficult relationship in the same situation. what would you advise him? |