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On my last visit to my psychiatrist, he mentioned one option might be to approach the topic of therapy for my W, from the perspective of the treatment of trauma. He mentioned that the term borderline is stigmatised, and to lower the chance of a person with BPD responding negatively due to shame, it could be framed as encouraging treatment for the healing of trauma.

Even coming from this angle, I expect the chances of getting through to my W are very, very low. However, I wonder if anybody has tried this before?

Should I try? Would it be worth it? Somehow I sense I would feel guilty for even trying this. I don't know why.

But I'm concerned that by not being forthright about the patterns I see and experience, I'm withholding something that might be valuable.

Hi,
I spoke to my husband 7 months ago after realising that his mistreatment of me for almost 20 yrs was BPD related. I actually told him he needed to go and see a doctor or our marriage was over. He eventually agreed. I spoke to the doctor and told him exactly what I thought, and that I suspected BPD and he asked me a lot of very relevant questions, then suggested anti depressants and therapy.
The medication definitely calmed his mood, and in my opinion the therapy has made him consider some things, but not to the point where he treats me any different, he just goes about his comments in a calmer way.
One thing I remember him saying to me was that the doctor said they didn't call it BPD it was Emotionally unstable disorder, he took pleasure in telling me this, so he could tell me I was wrong. Even though its exactly the same disorder. He also told me his antidepressants weren't actually antidepressants they were mood relaxers.
I see that the doctors want to make the sufferer feel less stigma and more accepting of what they're suffering from, but in my opinion lessening what its called actually doesn't help us the victim at all.

hope that makes sense

Two components of BPD that make it difficult are projection and denial. I think there is shame and a poor sense of self and this causes any kind of "blame" or look at yourself, or label to not be effective. The resulting dissociation response causes them to "throw out" these feelings. I also think this would lead to fear of disclosure and that they may not be inclined to share their issues with a therapist. Some people have been successful in improving with therapy. I think they may be very motivated.

Therapists can not force anyone to look at themselves or be truthful. I also think their aim is to be as helpful as possible and that a direct label may hinder their potential to help. It may be that a client is more willing to take medication when described as a mood relaxer and accept they have a mood issue rather than a label that feels stigmatizing to them. Your H may want you to "be wrong" to save face and if the label allows him to work with a therapist then it may be better in the long run even if you would prefer to have been validated. If the therapist is able to work with him, it will be indirectly helpful to you as well.

Truthdevotee- it's understandable that you want to share your insights with your wife, but keep in mind that personal change isn't quick and takes work. While you feel you may be witholding information that could be valuable to your wife, also consider if this need to get her to therapy is you trying to fix her. For any therapy to work, she needs to be motivated herself. If she brings up a childhood issue  "have you ever thought about if working with a therapist might help?". I think her response would tell you how interested she is. If you bring an issue up or say "I think you need therapy" it is going to come across differently.