BPDFamily.com

Hi Guys,

M24 recovering from a roller-coaster 4 yr relationship with a BPD F24.

4 weeks into NC after the penultimate argument with my exPwBPD split, discarded and walked out my life AGAIN. (She got mad and falsely accused me of rape, i posted about it a few weeks back).

I'm doing okay, better than I ever have done and 2 weeks longer than the last longest time we never spoke. She reached out with one simple "hello" message, to which I didn't reply. and then nothing back from her.

I have felt every conscious hour of the last 30ish days drag. I don't feel quite as sad as I have in previous break ups with this partner, but as many of you know what it's like - i'm in a shi*ty place.

This forum especially (and other internet material) have been my saviour.

But now, I feel like I would greatly benefit if I heard some successful recovery stories as I'm scared I might just feel this pain and sorrow everyday for the rest of my life.

She hurt me, deep down inside, despite all the love and care I gave her, yet I still love her more than anything. But I NEED to be done and more importantly WANT to be done now, finally.

Can any of the men and women who have found happiness following a BPD relationship speak up? Have you been able to give and receive love again? Is it an immediate difference being in a healthy relationship with an emotionally stable and healthy partner?

I really appreciate it :)

I remember your story a weeks ago and it was quite the whirlwind. I'm only 2-2.5 months NC but I can safely say after the initial month my life started to improve quite a bit, the pain, grief and guilt started to hold less of a grip on me and I slowly started feeling like some semblance of my old self from before the relationship. Seeing a therapist regularly has helped me a massive amount in analyzing the sadness from the failed relationship and subsequent fear of being alone, I would highly suggest trying some sort of counseling if you can, every session with my T felt like I was being pulled out of quicksand.

I'm by no means out of it yet, but my ex has been respecting my NC for the most part (she's tried to sort of relay messages to me through a few friends but they all shut her down) and I've been focusing most of my energy into self improvement and exercise. Doing cardio helps my anxiety and stress a huge amount so I'm pretty much doing it daily now haha.

You've already beat your old record by 2 weeks, just try and tackle things slowly and aim for another 2 weeks, then another 2. Baby steps! Hopefully some people here can hit you with some positive stories. :)

my relationship was my first adult relationship. we got together when i was 21 years old, and were together just shy of 3 years (we were your age). we were friends for three years before that. i hadnt even been in a relationship for longer than 3 months before it.

in a lot of ways, the breakup was the hardest thing i ever went through. thats partially because i didnt really have, at that point, what i would gain from this place.

that breakup, at this point, was over ten years ago. on one hand, it feels crazy to write that. on the other hand, emotionally speaking, thats precisely what it feels like: ancient, old news.

the good news is, if you do absolutely nothing, ten years from now (realistically far less), im pretty confident you will feel the same way.

what i think gets lost sometimes is that when life and relationships really kick your ass, there is an opportunity to reinvent yourself; to become a better, stronger version of yourself. i invested hard in that. its why im still here. the more you invest in your recovery, the more you learn the lessons from the relationship that you want to take into future relationships, the more you will thrive.

Hey RG96, Four weeks is a relatively short period of time so give yourself a break!  There's no timetable, and everyone heals at his/her own pace.  This is a good point for you to consider why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  Does that ring a bell?

LJ

There are tens of thousands of such stories here RecoveryGuy96, yours will be part of it.

the first month was cruelest, then month 2 to 3 was challenging. after that things steadily improved, id say stabilised more, some good days, some not so good. After 6 months the rate of healing accelerated like getting into a higher gear. After a year (id felt by this point no cravings to ever go back, and overall found new direction in life) theres still part recovery going on, learning I wanted to do, but the worst was over. Id say the same to yourself if you are looking for a sort of guideline timetable, give yourself a year.

When it comes to comparing this type of relationship with others, one with a pwBPD must be one of the most challenging, if not the most challenging. So its hard to compare with other exs. An experience like this can be turned to massive strength and advantage for the future. You can look back and realise how much pain it was, how PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)*y it was, yet you got through it.

Think about possibly expanding the support group when you feel ready, it helped to make new friends with the proviso they bring positivity in at a time that is needed, stay in the moment, the relationship is over, there is grieving to do - but your life has always been more than just that. There is nothing out there to deny in these moments that you cant find joy, in others, or hobbies, music, whatever clicks with you. I had to appreciate that I can define my own recovery, it did not have to be an entirely miserable experience either. A lot of joy has punctuated those moments, ive met some incredible people on this journey too.

It's been 7-8 years since I've been on this site.  It was an extremely valuable resource for me back then.

Fast forward to today and I'm happily married and no longer concerned about the topic or my ex from that era.  I successfully detached.  Honestly, looking back, it was one of the hardest things I ever did but so worth it.

I logged onto the site so I could find all of my old posts to give to a buddy who believes his ex-wife may have BPD.  I saw this post and just wanted to say it's absolutely possible to successfully leave a BPD relationship and find something much better.  All of that pain, suffering, and over-thinking is in the distant past.  I've forgotten virtually all of the terms I was once familiar with (NC for example).  North Carolina?  LOL.

I did a lot of "self-work" (still do) and had a couple of bumpy acquaintances afterwards (until I figured out how to stop being attracted to drama) but today, I am a much better person and in a much better place.  I have found peace.

Take care,
Recoil