BPDFamily.com

I've known I had to leave; and I left.  But it still hurts.  All the time.

what happened?

I left a 15+ year marriage, to a BPD wife I (still) love. 

I exhausted myself trying to actually be the idealized version of myself that she saw in me.  And I internalized all the devaluation and criticism as if it were always true. 

Lost my identity in the process.  Know it was the right choice to leave.  And, yet, I miss her.  Still.

15 years is a very long time. im glad that youve reached out for support. i know of no better place.

how recently did you leave?

We separated almost a year ago.  Divorce filed then too.

I got my own place.  But stayed at home most nights.  Then boundaries got blurry, which is bad for everyone.  So we agreed to stick to a schedule. 

That brought stability.  But sadness.  And loneliness.  All of which I need to feel.  But still...it sucks.

So sorry! It does suck!

I’m right there with you. It’s been 6 weeks since I left the verbal and physical abuse from my xWwBPD. And I miss her so much. I miss the bonfires and yard work and nature walks. It was one of our anniversaries today- of us getting engaged on a beach. I had a migraine last night and felt nauseous... it continued today but to a lesser degree. I was drawn to your title of “Motion Sickness...” I’m trying to feel it all and also take care of myself. We were together for 6 1/2 years, which is no 15 but still may take me some years to “get over.” What does getting over someone even mean? And how does one adapt to feeling so alone?

Hey 9240M, I can relate, as my BPDxW and I parted ways after a 16-year marriage.  Like you, I lost myself for a while in my marriage, which was not fun.  I depleted all my resources, emotional, physical and financial.  It was only after an intervention with two kind friends and a family member that I was able to find the strength to leave, which was the right decision, the only decision, for me.  I couldn't go on in my marriage.

You're right, it's hard, yet I can confirm that it leads to greater happiness.  I suggest you focus on yourself and your needs.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  Listen to your gut feelings.  As Nietzsche said, "Become who you are"!   Suggest you view your recovery as a journey towards authenticity.

Feel free to ask any particular questions.  I get it, and have been in your shoes.

LuckyJim

Hey guys, I'm right there with you. Married 25yrs. I'm not sure who I am anymore.  I don't even know if the girl I loved/Married exists or ever truly existed.  I too did everything possible to make things work.  Recovery is hard. it doesn't seem like there is any light on the other end of the tunnel. I'm stuck/have been stuck, footing all the financial burden while she does whatever she pleases. And then I am told I don't love her because all I do is work and clean. She wouldn't help...

I'm going to share my experience in the hopes it will give you some peace. I've lived a while and have been married twice. The first marriage ended because of an affair he had with a friend of mine. It devastated me, but even worse, my teenage children were in shock. Just as they were ready to launch into their chosen education/profession, the rug was ripped out from under them. I didn't think I could forgive - him or me - knowing that their pain was intentionally inflicted by their parents' inability to be a family.
The anesthesia I found most comforting was another relationship. It happend way to soon, but we had a great time together, taking weekend trips and leaving the country a few times. I was healing and feeling pretty good, finally. We married after four years of dating and it lasted for seven years. Was he BPD? I don't know. I don't really think so. I actually thought he might be on the very high end of the autism spectrum. I've since been single for 10 years, and that's the experience I want to share.
First, I realized that I had a "type" and it wasn't a healthy one. It was, however, what I'd become acustomed to. It was my normal and it made me miserable. Then, I realized many of us have ridiculously unhealthy relationships because we gravitate toward what we're familiar with. I needed a long break to reboot.
Now I recognize it's not typically possible to move across the country. But I did that. I got away from everything that was familiar. I got a job, bought a house and I've lived alone for eight years. I can be with friends or be by myself. I can read, watch movies, take walks...I can do whatever I want to do for the first time in my life. I don't have a lot of money, but I'm really good at managing what I do have. I actually didn't know I could do that! I'm also learning to cook and love to cook for my friends and neighbors. I have a dog who is amazing (although he can't figure out how to play fetch)
As it turns out, I am okay with who I am. I would have never really met myself had I not taken the time I needed.
As you probably know, relationships aren't always what they're cracked up to be. You can make new friends, have an occasional lover, take up new hobbies. Once you free yourself from being dependent/co-dependent and find out who you really are, life is very different. Do I get lonely. Of course. But I'm not afraid of it because I know what to do with it. I know we're not supposed to give advice here, but I'm doing it anyway. Stay positive. Be the best person you can be.