BPDFamily.com

Today wasn't a bad day but I can't help but remember all the holidays, birthdays, family gatherings that were thrown into chaos in the past. Even when it's good, I'm worried that I need to leave before something happens. But even heading off a disaster results in questions- Why are you leaving so soon? Just ignore her, you should be able to enjoy yourself; She'll get over it... 

It will never be better. She will never get over it. I see you parents with adult children and I know I can not keep doing this. I can not and I will not. Perhaps she will want to get better one day but as much as I love her I will not sacrifice myself on the altar of her insanity. When she is ready I will support her. For now I am legally obligated to deal with the abuse, insults and general chaos. I will use every tool at my disposal to help her but I will not let her ruin me when she's an adult. Just a few more years...

Oh gosh I can feel the pain and resentment you have and sure can identify with it! Yes Easter chaos here - and I can so relate to leaving before the volcano erupts - the stress of being aware of the little indications that there is about to be an explosion and - for so many reasons - you want to avoid this at all costs.

You sound already exhausted from dealing with all the abuse and chaos - and a 'few years to go' - must seem a long time.

I used to look forward to a time when things might be better. For a time I would focus on one thing eg 'this year I will try to get her to a therapist' or 'this year I will let her take any consequences of her decisions and actions' - and so on.

I still find myself thinking this way sometimes, but mostly I have come to a different position. My BPD d is older than yours though so this might make a huge difference.

Coming here has helped   a great deal - although as you point out there are not many success stories or formulas. But it has helped me let go of guilt and frustration; it has helped me to find ways to nurture myself etc.

In other words, it has taken (and still takes) a huge effort, but I want to find a way to live my life NOW rather than waiting for a time when all this might change or go away.

It's clear that you love your daughter and are supporting all the way. I hope you can find a way to shift the balance so that you can have a life yourself while caring and supporting your daughter at the same time.

Glad you came here.

I totally understand and have been dealing with this for about 25 years.
How old is your daughter/son?
I to felt like it was a legal obligation. I was sure I'd throw in the towel when she became of age.

I did not, we kept trying, kept hoping and dreaming one day this "phase" would be over.
Some BPD people get better with age. Not the case here although she does not get so explosive with the help of DBT therapy.
Will she ever be what we hoped for? NO!

Do you have other kids? 

She is 14, I also have a 16yo daughter. 

That age was the worst in our house.
So much self destructive behavior , in and out of treatment facilities and de-tox.
Is your daughter in therapy?

She has been for years. But she doesn't use any of the techniques she's learned. She's not ready to get better I guess.

It took my daughter until she was in her 30's to use the tools

I wish I had better news for you

JD

In case you've not seen it, and for other parents reading here is the 12 month journal from one of our parents with her 13yr old daughter.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120563.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120563.0)

WDx

Thank you Wendy, I will read it all.

$7300 a month 11 years ago! That's not feasible for us but I'm exploring all our options.