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maybe its not a bad thing, or the opposite. The thought arises, I dont necessarily brush it aside or hide it away. Historically, Id post about it here often in great detail.

but its lacking a need to go that far like I used to.

and ive dropped the concept of what an "ideal recovery" looks like, ironically, I feel to that extent I have exactly got just that.

why get frustrated about still on some occassions having a reflection or a thought and labelling it as "still hurt" "still not recovered"

ive found it helps to think about it, but keep it short, besides my life is more than the past wonderings. there is and always has been more to think about.

Kindness too. Was the trigger I reckon. Some of my friends did something very kind for me today and it triggered a memory of the past and a moment where she dysregulated. I confronted her to vent my underlying resentments and whatever else with an indirect accusation "some people see kindness as a form of stupidity"

of course it did not achieve anything Id hoped for. It was not a "probe" towards her opening up, have an argument where she would let the defences down and lead somewhere productive. It did not cast any shame towards her how id been treated. It just did what everything else did - she hit the ball back in my court with dysregulated outburst of mutterings, sleights, sarcasm.

I should maybe be grateful thats all I got and in hindsight and I came to learn, unwittingly, I was playing with fire without fully understanding how incendiary the material was.

kindness does not take much, it does not have to be rare-like drop of water in the desert so as to be then be worshipped. I get it on a daily basis in interactions as a positive-human quality. My ex of course was human, but either chose not to, or could not grasp the concept. Stating the latter fills me with this coldness feeling it literally chills the spine. But thats what this post is for, to go through that accept it, and return to a different mode of life, folk around me who behave consistently in ways that dont make me feel afraid or timid.

im getting there, these are just memories, in the past they would cascade themselves. Its easier, not just length of time, there are skills out there that work, put them in practice. Its strange though, I found a place of serenity and calm and it feels like a compulsion to want to proverbially "take another drink" of that poison. Maybe im reading too much into that too. Anyway, this isnt therapy, ill close here. Ive nothing to say except ive got things to do and whatever interlude this was, is over, irrelevant now, on to the next. I think im losing the anger massively, it felt it was all that was left, and part of that just takes getting used to. im used to feeling a blood pressure spike when I think of this cr@p and it just doesnt work anymore.

I need to get used to the "feelings are absent" null and void, and accept that its okay too, even if it takes a bit of getting used to. Its what I wanted/want.

Dear Cromwell, it does leave a void when the grief is done and the anger is gone. BPD has preoccupied our entire life, so much of it has been pain and anger, fear of their anger and resentment on our part, that all that passing leaves one feeling empty. In a really weird way we can miss the pain and fear the void, because pain is all we have ever known, it is familiar, and the void is intimidating,  Still, it is great news :wee:

I deal with this by literal brainwave training. Repetitive thoughts tend to "wear grooves" in the brain, not using the correct scientific term but you know what I mean. So I retrain the brain by playing alpha wave tracks even in my sleep, chanting, meditating, etc.  Slowly but surely I make new positive grooves.

I knew I was over my first ex when she could not longer enrage me. You are finally free. Enjoy the ride, and fill those empty spaces with lots of joy, love and laughter!
 :hug:

what are niggles in this context? do you miss her?

khimbosis,

this sounds like something I might look into, a few of my friends have started to use these apps and tell me they work. if it ends up scrambling my head, it wont make much difference to how it already is lol, nothing to lose :)

thanks you wrote how it feels, it is not as easy as it sounds to find peace after the brain has been primed to live on the edge. in context it is far easier and some rewiring has been done. I think ive noticed these memories come back to haunt on days/nights that are very stressful for other reasons.

Once Removed. I miss her sometimes in a nostalgic way, those memories where I had a love from her that is likely impossible to replicate in the main - but I was naive at the time not to understand that it manifested itself from a disorder. It was love via mental illness as a carrier. It was not about me as a person, but at the time I did not know.

Going back to drink that poison. I think its part living in memory lane on some nights are trickier than others, then theres a lot more, a lot of conflict. Part of feels a frustration. Its not a "down putting" voice but those are in the periphery. There is strands of bad blood, resentment, which emotionally just arise and have to be stopped via reason. Its relatively easy, it is just still frustrating, and the words are that this has happened so long ago and im still affected by it, even if to far less an extent.

I did the personality test here, I score highly as an idealist. This outcome hits hard. When I mention things like reciprocated kindness, I felt I never asked for much in the relationship and how I got treated - if I could have seen some rational reason for it to make sense of it, if I could squarely find blame in myself, id have healed and reconciled it. but what she did bears the hallmarks of nonsense, lunancy. Thats fine if it is some average person in the street, there is no prior emotional attachment. I fell in love instead and have to face this punctuating of idealism. All the hurt im suffered and needed therapy for, she did these things on spur of the moment that for her were forgotten by the next morning. Yet, it is a damage and memories that im still stuck with years later.

im getting better though, ive also had to go against the grain and become more of a realist. which is fine.

at least the anger is gone viz a viz learning and accepting the validitity of the illness, I dont take it personally. I dont want to tie a rope around her porch and drive the Landrover away and get my therapy that way.

last photo on facebook, she is wearing a jacket I bought her as a surprise gift. I remember that evening too, normally she hated to look in the mirror, saying only "she has a problem with mirrors", but her joy and way she carried herself and modelled herself I saw her transform. Then I got idealised praise "you always have an amazing eye for fashion" and so on. She wore it when I left her for 4 weeks and stalked me to the other side of town found out I was there. On all her pictures she doesnt wear it when she is in a new relationship. Then shes wearing it each time shes single again. It triggers my mind in a pattern-recognition way and the push/pull. devaluated momentarily, new guy for usually a week at the most, I leave, she pulls out all the stops to return back, I go back. It has been a damaging interplay of a game if to call it that.

So these are just triggers, and memories, its fine I know how to push through them. Im back on social media and it takes a few seconds to look her up, I dont, that was a few weeks ago I did. Its self control to not have to be triggered and let the thought/emotion train leave the station.

and the anger has not had a proper outlet, the issues is as I said, I cant do the normal thing. The way I was brought up, id get my sister or another girl to do her in. But that was in ignorance of not realising or believing this threats and cheating and so on miscreance is all rooted in BPD, something ive had to learn. and from what I know of her she wouldnt be bothered if that happened here, she is incorrigible to change. Just like in my youth id beat up guys and by the next day they want to be your best friend. Some of them did, it didnt make much sense, but such is life. im learning that however obscure society is for me to comprehend, rule of thumb just take what I think is the level of derangement and times it by 3 to be on the safe side.

thats working well, im feeling far better for it, it is possible to live amongst chaos and not get emotionally attached to it. This therapy has been just an eye opener that rather than resent I feel fortunate to have gone through.

I cant afford to miss her, theres too much else in life both ongoing and on offer. "Sinister_Complex" says so all the time and im with them on it, no scarcity mindset. If I think of her it is "niggles" of residual trauma that is getting mopped up, it doesnt overwhelm has lost its amplitude.

the niggle is gone for now, ive got an action step im going to look into these apps, I used one at work quite amusing, plays "office" background noise like the printer going off etc but is imbued with some of these brain frequencies. it was surprisingly calming, I missed it when I switched it off. 

 lol Cromwell, there being not much left to scramble  :) it's the same here, living with BPD does that to a person.

I think not being able to escape triggers is par for the course with BPD. I fully expect that many years later , a fragrance, a song, will still have the power to bring tears to my eyes. They hook deep into our souls. All the more reason why I think of mental 'primary health care': exercise, mindfulness, posting here is important. I think it increases distress tolerance.

Be picky with those apps, some work for me and some don't. Especially the ones I use while asleep I prescreen first to see if they 'fit' this scrambled brain.
 :hug:

thanks Khimbosis.

posting here has been my mainstay, but I added other things on, like soccer for instance is my thing. Then keeping busy with work. at the cusp of the pandemic started, just prior, I had felt "cured"

then realise the "niggles" return when these little distractors are gone. Still, its not as bad as it used to be and these moments here and there pass by. Im feeling fine today, to the extent, I cant recall what upset me to start with unless id re-read this first post.

really greatful to you both, Khimbosis and Once Removed. its the intuition of feeling that both of you "get it". Which takes away that isolation - its the only place I can begin to find the words to talk and explain - i would not know where to start with someone who has no first hand experience of BPD.

anyway i'll let this unwind, have a great day.

Cromwell, we survive to live another day. Hope you make this a great one too!
 :hug:

Thanks Khimbosis, Ive been feeling super ok since i posted this, it helps to talk things out when they happen.

To B53, if you can delete some messages in your inbox so I can reply to you thanks as it says it is full capacity.

Hope you are all doing better

Crom

Crom,
I deleted what was in my in box. I hope that helped and you got my message.
B53