BPDFamily.com

I guess it's more codependency, but sometimes I feel like I jump right in and display symptoms of BPD myself. There's so many things I see on this site that aren't in the textbooks or on the NIH websites. As a Ph.D. in Neuro, I feel guilty for taking all the red flags at the beginning, as her being a bad person. Obviously it's absurd for me to feel that way, but I can't shake it. Hindsight being 20/20, I feel I should've known. We've been on again off again for 5yrs. If I had known at the beginning, I would have pulled her closer, tried harder. Instead I pushed her away, because I thought she was a manipulative, lying and bad person. I've held her, looked into her soul, seen her w her babies (not mine 11 and 7 now, but I love them more than air) and seen her in them when I've had them alone. She's definitely mentally ill. The only other explanation for her behavior is she's a horrible human being. The mother of those kids is a wonderful human being. IDK if I believe in BPD. It's hard to pigeon whole physical diseases, let alone a personality disorder. Her son and my sister both have "Autism," the disease that taught us disease is an outdated term. She fits BPD the best, but like Autism, it's a spectrum. Disease or disorder makes it sound so similar from patient to patient. Of course here I am asking about a specific symptom in BPD. I just wonder if this contagious feeling is common like other non-clinically known things I've read here, that I've experienced. This is my first post, although I've read dozens.

NO. Personality disorders are not contagious. But they can be hereditary.

Autism can occasionally look a lot like BPD, depending on the person. Childhood neglect and self-harm symptoms are more likely to indicate BPD, while they don't have any real relation to autism.

In general, when you are very close to someone, especially a lover, you'll start to take on a lot of their habits and integrate with them somewhat. That, as a whole, is natural and common. But in BPD codependency, it can sometimes be hard for us to avoid making the same mistakes that our partners do.

I've been down that road too. You're not alone.

I also relate to this!  Thank you for calling attention to it.  It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

Dysfunctional thinking and behavioral patterns can certainly be mimicked from close contact with a loved one with BPD, particularly when codependency is part of the equation.

Think of it this way: codependents and people with BPD have illdefined boundaries. If you observe dysfunctional behavior regularly, it starts to become somewhat normalized.

In other threads, copying maladaptive behaviors has been referred to as “picking up BPD fleas.” Probably a better way of thinking about it is that individuals in unhealthy relationships can revert to more childlike functioning.

You’re not the only one to be wondering about this. Check out this link:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=233903.0

Clever name. ADRsBPD  *)

There was a theory posted by a therapist here some years back. He believed that there are two basic reactions to persons with BPD traits (pwBPD); to fight then in kind or to become their caretaker.

I was never impressed with this practitioners writing so we never cataloged it, but I've often thought that he was closing in on something. From reading here for years, its clear that some people walk away, some fight in kind, some become a caretaker/enabler, some are emotionally destroyed; all with some overlap, of course.

So, your adverse drug reactions (ADRs) analogy has some validity. ADRs are unintended, harmful events attributed to the use of medicines – occur as a cause of and during a significant proportion of unscheduled hospital admissions.

Certainly we (as a group) have various negative reactions when we love someone with BPD. I have seen "ADRs" as significant as member suicide.  

And if you carry your analogy further, there are often physiological reasons why some people have these reactions and some do not.

So as pointed out earlier, and to answer the question, heritable, yes, contagious, no. And, yes, many, many people here (and elsewhere) attribute their reaction to a pwBPD as being caused by or a function of the pwBPD.

I personally think it is best to own our reaction as our own. Sure, we are a product of our upbringing and our environment. A person with BPD is also a product of their upbringing and their environment. Healthy adulthood is about learning to compensate for these things and live a healthy life. That's a goal here.

Why do you think you were "acting crazy". What were you saying to yourself when you did what you describe a BPD contagion?

Breaking down the things we say to ourselves when we are reacting provide great clues as to what is driving us.

We are influenced whether we like it or not by the people we choose to be around, especially in close proximity for extended periods of time. In Spanish, we say, "Tell me who you are hanging out with, and I will tell you who you are". Part of the challenge of not taking on some of the poor boundaries of those with BPD, is to have healthier boundaries with everyone.

I have felt the same way.  I think it is a combination of their extreme behavior and also the concept of projective identification.  Example.  They are afraid that we will abandon them even though we probably show little behavior or say things to indicate that to a "normal" person.  And we don't ghost or block or do silent treatment.  But they frequently do it to us.  So we find ourselves becoming fearful of being left/abandoned at the drop of a hat.  Which is actually a realistic emotional reaction on our part.  So then we think, "oh, we're just like them".  But we're not, our reactions are in response to their extreme behavior, even though we end up having some of the same reactions.  And this happens in many other areas as well.  Projective identification is more complicated, and you probably know what that is anyway. 

As a Ph.D. in neuro, surely you’ve heard of counter-transference. The first patient I was assigned to interview during my psych rotation in med school was a woman with severe depression. After 45 minutes I had succeeded in getting from her almost none of the information I knew I was supposed to. I was sighing almost as much as she was. I went home feeling like a complete failure, not just in med school, but in my entire life. The next day my instructor said, “Now you know about counter-transference!” He told me a couple of funny stories from his own training.

I didn’t become a psychiatrist (went into ER med, now retired), but still, that was a useful lesson. I think if we are sensitive we absorb emotions from the people around us, especially those we’re close to. Depression is often contagious, so is happiness, so are all the weird emotions of BPD. The antidote is knowledge, plus self-awareness, both of which can be a struggle. Good therapists, of course, can make use of this.

For quite sometime now I have been feeling like I suffer from borderline. It wasn’t until speaking with my therapist that I learned that people with borderline are extremely proficient at projection and manipulation. My relationship with my wife who has a borderline diagnosis was the cause of me feeling like I had borderline and it is a constant struggle to remember that I don’t have it and it’s enough some days to make me feel insane.

It's absolutely contagious. Well, not in the real sense, but when I first started on this board, I was concerned I might have it, too. Like it was a doomed match from hell, where two borderline partners found each other. My therapist has reassured me that I may have some of the traits, but I am not full blown borderline.

I've read countless times in books and articles that high conflict people tend to draw people into their way of thinking. Between that and the projection mentioned above you wind up highly reactive and by default taking on more characteristics of your BPD partner.

I just got in a huge fight over the weekend with my exGFwBPD when I was picking up our baby. I spent a bit of the day yesterday wondering if maybe I am the borderline. No, she started that confrontation, and was in tears when it started. She was already off the rails before she even engaged with me. She just managed to drag me into her distorted parallel universe, for a few minutes again.

It's not you, it's them. It's really hard to believe that sometimes. It even sounds mean-spirited and like the blame shifting they thrust upon you. However, it is most likely a fact.

There may be some influence of genetics, but I think the family patterns of behavior are more repeated in the next generation than genetics. Children growing up with a disordered parent can adapt behaviors that are functional in the family unit, but dysfunctional in other relationships. This is the basis for ACA groups ( the patterns are similar with alcoholism) but the goal isn't to blame but to learn new behaviors.

As to the partners of pwBPD- I think there's a tendency towards poor boundaries and enabling. I think it's the poor boundaries that make this feel "contagious". If we can't be sure whose feelings or whose opinions we are accepting, it's difficult to not accept some of the disordered thinking. In this group we speak about validating the BPD partner, but with no validation of our own thinking, I think it is difficult to hold on to that.