BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone- just found the site and read some articles which really helped me feel less alone so thought I’d register and post. I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 2.5 years but known her as a friend for significantly longer. We had a fantastic first few months in our relationship which was formed in a very tumultuous time - she was incredibly supportive when my mum died suddenly, then to our very happy surprise we got pregnant, things were looking up until very sadly she had a miscarriage ... since then she has made my life hell and after talking to my friends and taking some therapy myself I can see my partners pattern and it’s best described as BPD. The signs are pretty clear and no matter what I now do I am in the wrong. This is complicated because we went on to have IVF and she is currently pregnant again and things are looking good BUT she continues to hijack me emotionally, I am second guessing everything I do and am in a constant state of anxiety because I know we are only a moment away from me saying/doing something that will trigger hours (can be up to 6 hours) of personal attack. I would say I’m pretty resilient but I’ve reached the end of my ability to maintain my own emotional stability. We have repeatedly ‘come to the end’ the reconciled (it’s a familiar pattern) - anyone have similar experience? I’ve tried all the advice - had some success with boundaries and self care but tbh not sure if I want this to be for the remainder of my life! Any response gratefully received ... thanks!

... and a baby is on the way.

Losing a child is a huge stressor and all of are at our worse when under huge stresses. pwBPD traits are at their worst for sure.

You sound like you could certainly understand and even accept this. You also sound like a guy who would be prepared for this when the next big life stressor comes down.

Possibly the problem you struggle with most is that this first life crisis has changed the tempo of the relationship and you two have normalized some crappy dynamics into the relationship. She vents her internal chaos on you and you soak it all in and crash to the ground under all that weight.

With a baby on the way, you want to try to make this work. At the same time, you don't want to be an emotional tampon the rest of your life. I really hate that term,  but it makes the point.

I'd focus on trying to slowly and methodically reverse the unhealthy dynamics. You must do the work to build the relationships in times of peace - when hell breaks loose - there is little you can do but wait it out and not make it worse.

People here can help you with that.  *)

For me, being a new father was a very scary proposition. I did not handle it well at all and said some things I should not have. It caused much of my own problems down the road.

10 months later, I am constantly under the potential of a custody battle.

To avoid finding yourself in my shoes be as supportive and empathetic as you possibly can, right now. This will be extremely important for you to overcome any problems that lay ahead.  When she is upset, try to remember that her words are not, really directed at you. I wish I had understood what was going on sooner. You are fortunate that you already have found the keys to keep things under control.

I wish you the best of luck in these challenging times.