BPDFamily.com

  I am well into adulthood and I have been dealing with my older sister's "high functioning BPD" for years. She is not diagnosed because you need to seek help to get a diagnosis. My sister continues to claim nothing is wrong with her, that she just feels her feelings more intensely and processes faster than other people. Meanwhile, her relationships crumble around her. She is constantly in fights with friends  (right now her best friend). Her relationship with her husband is crumbling because she is constantly verbally abusive. My family shields her and lies to her because they don't want to deal with her emotional wrath. My partner states he will not see her again after they got into a disagreement which she was logically losing, so she accused him of horrific things which I can't bring myself to state here. My sister gets very controlling over my life and who I see. She doesn't like it if I refuse to make plans with her because I have plans with other people She has hurt my professional life. She has hurt my personal life. She has ruined every birthday I have had that I can remember. I continue to try and set healthy boundaries with her, but I often get railroaded. My mother has 2 modes, enabler or screaming at her that she needs medication. My father has opted out.  The problem is I love her and she is my friend. When she is in balance she is amazing, fun, funny, and smart. Today, I am feeling her emotional punches. I feel like an idiot for trying to make an effort and expecting anything but abuse in return. How do you navigate a loving relationship with a BDP?

Wow! I can not express how similar your situation is to mine. My sister also has high functioning BPD (presumably) but hasn't been diagnosed and refuses to get help. I have been a ton of my own research and talking to a therapist, and I have never been so sure of something in my life. Like your family, mine also lets my sister get away with being emotionally abusive because at some point its easier to just stop fighting and let her get away with poor behavior. Obviously this is not good for your family or your sister. They may feel like they are helpless in this situation and think that by enabling these behaviors they are helping her feel more comfortable, however this is not the case. Often times a disagreement or an argument will turn into a "you hate me, you wish i was dead, you wish i got hit by a car and died, you like your friends more than you like me" (all things my sister has said to my face), when in fact you may just not agree with a point she made or you are telling her that she upset you in one way or another. Of course you love her, and i assume she can be fantastic to be around, but the constant yo-yo of going back and forth through her emotional rollercoaster may by hurting you more than you think. Something i've been trying to work on is boundaries. My sister attacked me three weeks ago because i am moving out and moving in with my boyfriend of 7 years. Any other person would know that is completely normal thing to do... however she lashed out at me screaming and crying, yelling at me through the crack of my locked door, telling me that my boyfriend is a loser and that I'm throwing everything away. We didn't talk for three weeks, then she comes in today and says she got me a facial. Talk about a roller coaster... I don't know how to deal with these situations, just as you, but it's so helpful to hear that your not alone in this confusion. You just need to make sure that YOU are the first priority. Setting strong boundaries is first and foremost the most important thing for you. If she is hurting your professional and personal life it's time to put your foot down. It's one thing to send attacks at you personally, but trying to get you fired or ruin relationships is absolutely unacceptable.

Thank you so much for your post! I can't express how much it lifted my spirits to know there are empathic people who understand. I am so sorry you are going through similar things with your sister. It is truly devastating to always be dealing with the roller coaster.  

Of course! I felt so alone and scared for so long until I started talking to a therapist and found these posts. People who don't have family or loved ones this way can empathize, but they can't fully comprehend the severity of situation like this. Even those stuck in the situation sometimes can't recognize that. Something I have been working on, and try to improve on everyday is staying grounded in my own reality. I tell myself that I am not crazy. My feelings or thoughts are completely rational and normal, even if she is raging and telling me I'm horrible, mean, crazy, etc. I didn't talk about it to anyone for 18 years because my mom told me when I was a kid to keep my sisters behavior a secret from anyone else. So I shut up, bucked up, and tried to stay strong by suppressing all of those feelings. Well here we are at 24 bringing up those feelings FULLY, and I have to say it is not pleasant whatsoever. Not pleasant, but entirely needed. Create the circle of support around you that YOU need. That's what I am doing right now, and my god is it helping.