BPDFamily.com

https://www.northpointrecovery.com/addiction-quizzes/codependent-quiz.php

As I was taking the quiz at the link above, I realized how my first codependent relationship was with my mother, but that led to several more codependent relationships, including an ex-husband, several stepchildren, and even some friends.

Have I ever had a normal relationship? 

My quiz and the results:
There are several signs of codependency that you can look for in your own relationships. These include:

Only feeling a sense of purpose when you've made excessive sacrifices to care for someone else's needs.  YES, currently trying to do that in the case of my BPD'd mom and my step daughter.
Finding it impossible to say no when another person is making constant demands on you.  Yup.  I literally got an email from my ex-husband yesterday (tax day) saying he's still in love with me.  Why does he contact me on tax day?  Because, yup, I paid all the bills when we were together, including the taxes every year.  Weird how he thinks of me on this day!  Not Valentines day...not my birthday.  ha ha.  We split up 10 years ago, omg
Covering for another person when they get into trouble with the law.  Currently consumed with worry my Mom is going to get in trouble with the law.  Make that both my parents.  Not sure they're paying their taxes.  Why is this my problem?
Frequently worrying about what other people think of you.  yes, I do this.  Especially wonder what my FOO thinks.
Feeling as though your relationship has you trapped.  Definetly feeling that my Mom has trapped me.
Remaining silent because you want to avoid arguments and you don't want to rock the boat.  Not so much, lately, but in the past yes.  Lately, I'm more like that exploding volcano that has been pent up for a few too many decades
Feeling that you're not satisfied with your life outside of a specific person.  ugh, yes, mother again
Staying with a partner even when you can easily recognize unhealthy behaviors.  Not currently, but I have done this in the past
Offering support to another person even though it's causing you physical or mental anguish.  ugh, bingo


b

Welcome to the club :(

I think people resist the term "codependent" because they see it as meaning weak or dependent but it does not. In my parents' situation, my father was the one who supported the family and was the more stable one, yet, he was co-dependent. My BPD mother is extremely dependent- can not manage without assistance, would not be able to hold a job and yet, she had total control over everyone else in the family. She was the dependent one in actuality, but had total power.


The good news is that for many of us growing up in a family with these dynamics, co-dependency is learned behavior. They are survival behaviors growing up in our families and in this context, are the "normal". But learned behaviors can be unlearned. It takes some work, practice, and time, but one of the best things I feel I did for myself was to work on changing my co-dependent behaviors and I think it has helped. Yes, sometimes we slip back into the patterns, but being self aware of them helps us to see it, and change it.

Now that you understand it, you can learn new behaviors.

I also welcome you to the club. For me and perhaps for you, the biggest challenge of breaking away from being codependent is/will be owning your own feelings while letting those who encourage you to be codependent by dumping their own inner unhappiness on you and others be the owners of their own feelings.

I am a club member too, and just yesterday took the aces childhood trauma quiz (adverse childhood trauma). For me, I think that the trauma has continued into my adulthood and still continues to this day and that is where i begin to feel trapped and overwhelmed. Because I was a child and conditioned to put my uBPDm's needs before my own. Because I was a child and did not know that a mother is supposed to be nurturing and show unconditional love. Because being codependent was forced on me. But I finally have insight and working hard to learn those new behaviors. We have some great resources to help us and I am grateful for the support I have as a "club member".