BPDFamily.com

Hello all!
  2 years ago I married a wonderful happy person who enjoyed many of the same interests as I do and took great care of me in a way that I enjoyed,  the traditional way,  I provide food, shelter and lithe finances,  and she took care of the house hold. She is an amazing artist too. I rushed into a marriage with her as I was sin retiring and some benefits could only be used by her if we were married prior to my retirement. 
  We travel a lot, and during a major trip shared with several of my family and friends, soon after we were married we had a huge argument over something very minor (can't remember what). During that argument she became extremely verbally abuse and some physical too. This was so mind blowing as she was normally (up until this point) a very happy,  very shy and appeasing for person. She actually fled from the vacation and went stair to my mother's house to tell her how "bad I was". This has never happened in the short several months prior to marriage.

Now that we are 2 years into this marriage I realize every fun thing I enjoy is marred by some huge blowout fight.  I realize I am doing me and less in life as she seems to be sucking the fun and life of of everything. The worst part is her ratio of being the good and happy person to the one who hates me and screams that I'm am evil A hole is getting worse.  It started as an outburst every few weeks,  now it is more like every couple of days,  and since it takes me time to recover I feel like it is just a never ending story. I feel so violated by the her lack of respect towards me,  and her constant lying about the most trivial things,  things I know she did,  and aren't really important , but it just destroys  trust
I'm sure by now everyone is why would I stay with this person, when she is the "good" person,  she is fun to be with and does take great care of me. I like taking care of someone and it makes me feel good to see them happy,  and she is really a very neat and interesting person who is a very talented artist.

I've tried talking with her about bpd, she instantly freaks out if I bring it up. If I watch a video about it or read about it and she catches me doing it she goes completely insane screaming very loudly.

What hurts me the most is I took her into my home and provide for her and she just seems like a resentful teenager hating in their parent. 

I believe she has had some therapy in the past but she won't talk about it.  I would love it if she would at least try to improve the situation,  she did recently go to a doctor to get aderol for her "add", it helps a little with the screaming but I'm still always walking on eggshells.

What can I do for her to take an active interest in acknowledging the bpd issues and working towards  improving our life? I am rapidly losing the fun active happy person I used to be and find myself having a hard time dealing with being abused, it's putting me in significant depression. My wife can be an amazing person if she could just control the "mean" side of her.

 

You were in the honeymoon phase of your relationship and she only expressed “the good side” of who she is. Now that she’s more comfortable, she is able to express the full dimension of her personality.

That you want the good side to return is understandable, but not realistic. She is both and telling her about BPD is counterproductive.

Keep reading here (we have a wonderful library of articles, videos, and book reviews) and continue to post about what are some of the recurring issues you are experiencing

Here are a couple of good articles to give you an overview:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Hi and Welcome!

I'm so sorry you're struggling and suffering.

BPD is a very serious and treatment-difficult disorder. And for those of us in love with those afflicted (or have behaviors that suggest/manifest it), it can be torment.

It's like the old "Chinese Water Torture," the constant drip, drip, drip, drip of (I love you, F-you, you're stupid, etc., I'm so sorry, it'll never happen again, I'll do anything because I love you, You think you're so f-ing smart, but you don't know anything, you should've never been born, Please don't cry, it hurts me, I'm so sorry, I was just under a lot of stress, I'll prove to you that I love you, every single day!)

O.M.G. It's a roller-coaster from hell. We so desperately love the "Dr Jekyll" - that unique, caring, generous, fun person we have SEEN and we have EXPERIENCED good times with! Then, when "Mr. Hyde" comes out, we're so blinded by the "love/good person" we make excuses and we keep letting it happen.

Over time - it reaches a point where your own "life candle flame" gets snuffed out - you live to appease, to calm, to pre-plan, to censor, to strategize, to walk on the damn eggshells. That is NO quality of life. That is a life that is just given over to another person to do with whatever they feel, whenever they feel. But, we yearn for those moments of "true love."

So -  yes, I totally understand. So many people here do too!

It takes a lot of soul-searching, determining what YOU want out of life. If you are willing to endure the pain of the back/forth, and the insecurity, you will have work to do. If you decide that you don't want to spend you life, just to accommodate someone else's, you will also have work to do.

(I'm in the process of detaching from a 25-YEAR marriage. I suddenly AWOKE to the awful realization that HALF OF MY LIFE has been in this cycle. I realized I have nothing left, and no desire to even try to appease anymore. I realized that my life was given to ME, to life for Myself - not to just give on a plate to another being. I deserve the time, the life, to truly explore who I am, what I'm REALLY about now, who I want to be, what my interests are, how I can be the human I can be, etc.!)

So I suppose (sorry for the rambling post - it's my nature) educate yourself, care about yourself, and really ponder what it is that you want for the LIFE that was given TO YOU. It is your choice to make! And whichever way you go - it's okay - as long as you can feel happiness and comfort in your choice!

This is an awesome resource! In the past 2 months of the agony of my own detaching (it is so hard - EVEN despite the mile long list of his vile, vicious insults, rages, breaking things, intimidations, etc. - so crazy that I still have reservations - like a form of brainwashing, I guess!), but I have truly learned SO much here and these folks are amazing human beings! Their advice is personal, so it's not just "fluff talk," they really know and understand.

I suppose the last thing I'd suggest is get  yourself a therapist/counselor to help support you, help you achieve your needs, and provide you with tools and info to deal and cope with life as it is, or as it could be.

Post again soon, k? 
 :hi:

Thank you for the reply, it is so spot on with my feelings and situation. It helps so much to just have anyone to talk to.   

Aww...you're so welcome!

I'm glad it helps to fully realize that you are not alone in what you're feeling, experiencing, and living with everyday.

It is definitely a cycle of SO MUCH LOVE alternated with SO MUCH VICIOUSNESS. It's that LOVE that keeps us hopeful, that keeps us tolerating and absorbing the awful parts with apologies and promises in between. But, in my case, it simply cannot hold with any sort of constancy. So, I'm left with the anxiety of when the "honeymooning" and "love bombing" will end.

I hope that you'll discover what is best for your life! It's an arduous and often difficult process - whether you stay and learn how to try to cope with it, or if you decide you want and need more from a partner, I certainly wish you all the best, and all the happiness you can experience moving forward!   |iiii