BPDFamily.com

Hi guys!

I’m new to this cite and am looking for some support or advice. My partner has BPD and I’ve known for about 4 years now. We started dating 5.5 years ago and there were some really severe instances of mental health issues that ultimately made me break up with him. Then I moved to a different state and dated other people, though my ex and I kept in contact and talked as friends for about 2 years. Then he came to visit me and we had a great time and he eventually moved to me. Anyway- flash forward a couple years and we are engaged and getting married next month. Last night was supposed to be my birthday party but I had to cancel it an hour before everyone was supposed  to be there because my partner was threatening to kill himself. He was upset because he apparently spent all day cleaning our house but I started cleaning more when I got home because he hadn’t even touched 3 of our rooms. It quickly escalated and he was threatening to kill himself because he thinks he can’t do anything right or make me happy and he thinks I’m always criticizing him. Does anyone have any advice on how to help someone with BPD when they are escalated like this? And what the heck do I say to all of the people who are inevitably going to ask me on Monday what happened to my party (all of the attendees were coworkers). I just don’t know how to help my relationship or how to explain myself to the outside world when they don’t know what’s going on with my partner. Thanks for your help.

"He was upset because he apparently spent all day cleaning our house but I started cleaning more when I got home because he hadn’t even touched 3 of our rooms. It quickly escalated and he was threatening to kill himself because he thinks he can’t do anything right or make me happy and he thinks I’m always criticizing him."

Hi PartyOver. Well, to be honest, you probably were upset yourself when you got home and found there was a lot of work still to be done after your S/O had supposedly been cleaning all day. But people with BPD have a lot of difficulty responding rationally to something like that.

Normally, you're supposed to respond with an explanation, if something happened, like a family emergency, that prevented you from accomplishing what you said you would, or with an apology if you didn't get around to it because you ended up binge-watching some really terrific series on TV.

But for someone with BPD a criticism, even a critical-sounding question, can in their mind turn into a condemnation, a rejection, a statement that they are worthless. Once they are involved in that kind of intense emotional reaction, their emotions become their reality. In other words, once he felt like he was being condemned, that became his reality. You can't argue him out of that.

What all the BPD books say--and what I have found does indeed work, at least some of the time--is that the first thing you have to do is validate your S/O's feelings, tell him you understand how he is feeling. Then you can reply by describing your feelings in a non-judgemental manor. Tell him that you were feeling tired and irritable when you came home, that you saw that he had already done a lot of work, and were just concerned that there might be more work that needed to be done. Or whatever. I'm not trying to put words into your mouth.

It is tough. People with BPD can use themselves as hostages. "If you don't treat me right (according to my lights) I'll kill myself! It'll be your fault!"

What to say to your invitees? Tell them your S/O got suddenly sick and you were afraid he might have covid, but that he's better now and had a negative test..or whatever. Good luck!

I don't know your exact situation, but my uBPDgf also uses suicidal threats in various situations, some more serious, some less serious.  She's cut herself and taken pills, but so far nothing that truly ended up as a close call.  She's been in the hospital for other things - mostly unintentional over-drinking.

As far as events like parties and weddings - what is your experience with past events?  In my case, they are almost always triggers for outbursts (not always suicidal).  I've gotten to the point where I just assume she is not going to be attending the event.  This was at your house, so it's a little different.  When the inevitable rage happens, I do my best to validate (as alterK said).  But then I go ahead with the planned event.  Yes, sometimes I worry that S/O may commit suicide while I'm gone.  It's hard.  Many times, she decides she wants to go with me to the event.  Sometimes, she actually enjoys herself and pretends like nothing was wrong.  When she doesn't go, she's usually in a better mood when I get home.  I've done this with bigger things like vacations too.  That's one boundary I can enforce.  Yes, I care about you, and I hope you're ok while I'm doing what was planned.

This isn't a fun way to go through life, and sometimes I envy couples who can just plan an event and enjoy it without drama.  But it's the situation I'm in, and this seems to help a little.

As for your invitees, it may seem extreme, but what do you think the worst case scenario would have been, had they all come over to the house?  Would he have made suicidal threats in front of them?  Hard to say, but I lean toward no.  And it would certainly be a defining point in your relationship.  Do you want to be with someone who threatens suicide ahead of a party?  Not really, but it's workable.  Do you want to be with someone who threatens suicide publicly during a party?  That's a lot less palatable.  Hang in there!

I like ThanksForPlaying’s suggestions about not letting suicide threats derail an event. Maybe file this as a reminder for the future.

And alterK, that was brilliant—people with BPD using themselves as hostages!

My ex used to threaten suicide. It seems from what I’ve read on these boards that if they do it once, they’ll do it again. It’s because it works! They get your attention and everything comes to a screeching halt.

The last time my ex threatened to kill himself, I was hundreds of miles away with my mother. My dad had just died and I had made the funeral arrangements that afternoon. My ex (wasn’t ex yet) told me that if I didn’t return home immediately, he’d kill himself.

You can imagine that I was in no mood to deal with that. So I asked him how he planned on doing it, if he wanted to be buried or cremated, if he wanted his mother and sisters to view his body, etc.

That I was so placid apparently took all the “fun” out of suicide threats and he never tried that again. However, after we broke up, his girlfriend told me that he was holding her hostage with suicide threats, so it was still a strategy in his repertoire.

Hey Veridian!

I agree with the above posts. Sometimes, we think that others cannot detect our inner feelings, however I have noticed that with my partner (BPD), I cannot hide my feelings. He calls it his "sixth sense" (it could be my transparent face!).

Similar situations have occurred in our household. I now recognise that, although his cleaning (or cooking or making lunches, etc - whatever it is at the moment) may not meet always my standards, he has put his best foot forward. Remembering that sometimes menial tasks can be challenging to stay focused on for individuals with BPD allows me to recognise when he is trying his best at something. When I remember this, I recognise that my relationship and partner are more important than the task at hand; in the long run, nobody will remember who cleaned or cooked what.

To reduce these situations from happening, we are realistic about what can be accomplished in what time frame, and who is the best for the job. For example, I am very detailed and organised, so I am more responsible for cleaning/laundry/etc. Alternatively, my partner has a vast imagination, so he spends more time caring/playing for our daughter. I am *very* forgetful, so he is also responsible for packing for our camping trips - something he takes great pride in. Sometimes workloads can be imbalanced, but by creating responsibilities that best suit the individual's strengths, we have begun working towards better routines/communication/outlined roles and responsibilities. Having set roles (which, let's face it, have to be somewhat adaptable to real life) helps individuals with BPD to understand expectations of themselves and those around them. Being as consistent as possible in these roles, while troubleshoot with consistent kindness, understanding, and empathy, helps to create trust and a validating environment.

I hope this can help a little bit. I wish you the best, and I hope you and your partner can work through your current situation with support, empathy, and truth.