BPDFamily.com

Hi, our daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD and is currently in treatment. I am going through so many emotions and trying to get my head around her diagnosis, but the truth is I’m barely functioning after all we have gone through with her over the past two years leading up to residential treatment. It’s been such a horror show in more ways than I could imagine. I know I’m grieving and all the emotions are really overwhelming. I’m trying to take care of myself but I’m not having very many good days and most days I wade through my life in a fog. On the one hand it has been a relief that she is gone and somewhere safe, yet I just can’t get past what she’s done to herself and to our family. We are just wrecked. She’s coming home in a week and I’m not looking forward to it at all and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I love her so much but I know the sweet daughter that was full of life and love has gone and I don’t know how to reconcile what she was with what she is now. I just want to do whatever I can to help her but I’m not sure I can help her anymore. If anyone else has some experience and strength to share I would love to hear about it. It feels very lonely and sad where I am right now.

Hello Ksenia14  :hi:

Years ago I never, ever would have thought I would be one who would be participating in a forum like this.  Betcha the same for you, right?

"Lonely and sad"...oh so true!  How difficult it has been when in a group with my peers I have heard them sing praises of their children...while I sit, smile...and stay silent.  Because humour is part of my life (sometimes a shield) if I would start to tell of what has gone on in our family because of our daughter, they could well take it as another one of my tales...another joke.  Nope...no joke!

"Grieving" is another word I came to realize was  one of my emotions (sometimes still is).   A few months back a dear friend of mine lost her daughter.  Of course she grieves but, unlike me, she gets consoled and she has had closure.  To clarify, I am NOT wanting my daughter to die!  The other day I drove by a sign that read..."Grief is love stuck with no place to go."   Our love for our daughters is stuck.

One of the main things you have to work on now is that feeling of guilt.  Do you feel guilt when the pain of a toothache subsides?  Your daughter left the house...the dust settled.  Phewwww!  If you harbour guilt, she will notice and work it in her favour.  You, Ksenia14, have to take control of yourself.   You have been a wonderful Mom who has had to deal with a troubled child.

In the years of turmoil, have you ever had counselling?  If not, something to think about.  You need to speak to a professional who has training on BPD...recognizes the behaviours and can help you find the tools needed to better deal with her.  She won't change unless you change.

Hang in, Ksenia14!    Build up that confidence in knowing that you have always done the best you could do for her.  With that said don't allow her to use up more than her share of the "oxygen" in the family.   Each of you are just as important as she is.

Hope you keep coming back.  This forum has been a great source of strength for me...hope it will be for you, too.

((HUGS) from Huat

How spot-on, Huat. It’s true, about staying silent, at times, around peers. I often wonder if people judge, figuring we must have done something very wrong, as parents. Be good to yourself; ours is almost 40 and I’m awaiting a response after I asked for the boundary of polite texts, only, rather than sneering and ranting. What has helped us is to recollect how we extended ourselves to take care of him, how we sacrificed for his wellbeing, etc. We rejoice in the healthy relationships with our other children. We’ve also learned to be careful about what we tell our other kids; things may get passed on and blown out of proportion, misconstrued, etc.