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Title: When will you realize I’m just a POS? Post by: paperinkart on June 11, 2021, 01:37:39 PM Hi everyone!
My partner has been SO incredibly up and down lately. The other night, he messaged me some wonderfully nice things and beautiful sentiments. Today I just messaged him to say good morning. This was our conversation (via text- he’s at work): Me: good moorning! Him: hi Me: how are you? Him: sick, I think Me: oh no! How come? Him: i don’t know! Allergies I hope Me: (literally 1 minute later) awww that’s too bad! I’m sorry you’re not feeling well Him: k Him: thanks Me: lol is it making you grumpy? Him: I'm literally responding right away. So clearly I want to have a conversation. But you’re taking too long Me: Haha what? I just said I'm sorry you're not feeling well! Him: after a minute of silence Me: Okay, I'm sorry you're grumpy. Have a nice day! I’ll talk to you when you’re feeling better :) Him: Why Him: That will be never Him: I’m just a POS (piece of sh*t) Him: when will you realize that? Me: you’re having a rough day. Please don't start saying these things. It makes me anxious. I'd like to just have a nice conversation And that was it. He’s obviously feeling SOME kind of way. Can I say anything else so he doesn’t keep pushing? It REALLY makes me anxious and frustrated when he tries to turn it on me for sticking by him, and almost blaming me for not leaving him. Now I don’t think he’s going to talk to me at least for the rest of the day and that really sucks. I literally just wanted to say good morning and it’s frustrating that i become the punching bag for his bad mood. Any advice? Thanks! Title: Re: When will you realize I’m just a POS? Post by: Ventak on June 11, 2021, 06:51:49 PM Quick question: Does he have a history of anxiety over text message response time?
I know for me, I start getting anxious when texts are taking a while to be answered, especially when there has been back and forth going. My pwBDPw takes hours sometimes to respond, even when it's been back and forth, so I've had to train myself out of it... If he has anxiety issues with that, combined with BPD, that would seem an expected trigger. Title: Re: When will you realize I’m just a POS? Post by: Wilyred on June 12, 2021, 03:23:18 PM Paperinkart, brave of you to post your texts but super helpful. What works for me is ignoring the bait.the bait is that you are taking too long. Both of you can see that you took literally 1 minute. That fact cannot be disputed. The key is his feelings about it, his feelings are so extreme that one minute is too long. The urgency and extremist of the feelings need to be deescalated. acknowledge the feelings of worthlessness. "When I don't respond the same minute, you feel worthless? Am I understanding right?" Sometimes that is enough in my relationship to get him to see he's being irrational. I am careful not to defend argue Etc. If he still raging I might say I am sweaty from the gym and I'm taking a shower but will call you after.
Title: Re: When will you realize I’m just a POS? Post by: johnsang on June 14, 2021, 12:22:51 AM Excerpt Him: I'm literally responding right away. So clearly I want to have a conversation. But you’re taking too long This is so familiar to me - it leaves your head spinning it is so confusing - and it makes me sad for you that you started with good intentions. I see myself in this scenario so much. Agree with Wilyred that probably the best response to these sorts of instances is to mirror their hurt back to them - "Are you feeling rejected with my timing?" My understanding is that the needs of BPD people are literally endless - your efforts are never enough - ever - your time, your presence, your timing, so these sorts of comments will continue until they are "cured". Hope that might be helpful. |