BPDFamily.com

  Brief backstory: My pwBPD and I have been together for five years.  We both work in education, and met in the summer, so from the start the expectation was we would see each other seven days a week. It was intense from the start.  The struggle is that I have two children that I have five days with me, five days with there mom, off and on like that. My partner has a daughter that she has full time custody of.

So, the five days my kids are with their mom the expectation is that I live at my partner's house. The five days my kids are with me and I am living at my house, the expectation is that my partner and I see each other at least three times a day.

So, here is my question. For a long time I have been hinting that living in two places is exhausting me, and having to get together three times a day even when I have my kids leaves no time to take care of house stuff, get some self care time, etc.

Over the last month, with therapy, reading Walking on Eggshells, and this forum, I have started to set boundaries. Mainly that I would like two nights a week where we don't hang out at night. We still get together twice a day on those days, just not the evening. We still see each other seven days a week.

I guess I need reassurances that this isn't an unreasonable request. This is the third week of holding firm and staying home on Monday and Tuesday nights. The first two weeks were pure hell.

I think she finally realizes that I am serious because tonight, for the first time, she didn't ask if we were getting together. She made an offhand comment that she would probably get drunk because there was nothing else to do and she will be lonely.

Anyway, I think that if our relationship is going to survive it will be if we find a balance. I know this is what is good for us, but my guilt complex is kicking in.  I need some support to stay strong and consistent with my boundaries. Thanks

Wow, such a similar situation. For me, I was working and taking care of my kids. It started out very intense too. It as a long drive so every time he came over it was overnight. Then it became all weekend, then like fri- Monday morning, plus tu and Thu evenings. I was exhausted. I had more cooking and shopping because he was eating over, plus the demands on my time and the pouting if I 'ignored' him. It took years to set boundaries, partly because I didn't really understand what was going on. All I needed was a little more time with my kids and like you said, time for laundry and stuff.

About 3 years in I managed to get him to cut back on the time. With great drama and hurt feelings. I was constantly saying, it's not about you, I'm just trying to get by in life, not try to hurt you. But I really believed we would eventually marry so I did want to make him happy.

But then it kind of flipped and trying to plan time was a big effort. He'd say, what are you doing this weekend. I'd say well there's a kids party on Sat then football practice on sun, meaning all the other time was open, but it was usually met with, well I guess you're too busy for me so mayby another time. Then, oh no, I have plenty of time, just those two little things, and then spend an hour or two reassuring him I did want to see him.  And if I suggested a time when he was busy, he'd go into this thing about how well you wanted more time, stop getting mad when I make my own plans. ( I never got mad, I welcomed that).

I was sure he would leave when I started those boundaries, he gave every indication it was unacceptable to him. We did strike a kind of balance but it always felt like an uneasy balance. It is obvious he was never quite happy with it.  But he's still around, well at least until this latest silent treatment.