BPDFamily.com

So, BPDH has diabetes.  He developed it earlier than we'd expected, but it dies run in his family.  It's loads of fun to have someone be irrational and self sabotage by refusing to eat, which makes them even more irrational. 

This led me to look for publications on if pwBPD are known to be non-compliant diabetics.  H refuses to test, and I know it's more than the finger pricks are annoying or painful - he likes clouds of possibilities, instead of solid numbers, so he is content to flounder daily and feel weird ups and downs and keep his body in a state of inflammation, and to get his A1c every few months.  He's not yet on insulin, so he sees no use in knowing if a midnight snack of an orange is better or worse than a slice of cheese, when it comes to night sweats and how well he feels come morning (or if his numbers are higher or lower by keeping his liver from freaking out and dumping morning sugar into him). 

One of the publications had an interesting note - pwBPD who are diabetic show a correlation between poor management, or slipping sugar control, and slipping interpersonal relationships.  H's sugar has been a mess since he was locked down for an entire year working remotely.  I insisted on 2 days onsite myself, simply because being gone the whole time would have caused problems, but being home all the time likewise would cause problems.  But my mediocre walking around at work barely kept me in check as far as my weight, and he didn't gain much, just enough for his pants to be tight, but his A1c went up a full number point.  And now we are going to the retinologist to see about blood vessels in his eyes tomorrow, and he is exploding on me left and right.  Some of it is justified, but then the BPD extremes are added to it, making it less justified by the end of the fight.  Sigh.

I'm so sorry. That is difficult to watch and to live with. My husband (not the pwBPD in my life) spent a good six months figuring out what it would take to control his newly diagnosed Type II diabetes. He now eats much healthier, walks every day, and takes metformin.

Does he respond well to your being a positive role model, or does he resents it?

My unBPDH has diabetes (20+ years) and I don't think it's about having diabetes that makes them particularly uncompliant vs one of the criteria for BPD is risky behavior.

His health is in very poor condition. Blind in one eye, just had heart surgery and has multiple other issues related to poorly managed diabetes. It's a hard road.

My husband doesn’t have diabetes, yet…but he does drink to excess and I see that as harming his long term health.

What I see as a common thread possibly is that short term thinking outweighs long term consequences.

He can be a hypochondriac about certain things, yet be utterly oblivious that his sleep disorders and other health problems are directly connected to his alcohol consumption. And he certainly wasn’t happy when I pointed that out.

It’s like he’s a little kid with an unlimited supply of chocolate. It doesn’t occur to him that it would be better to moderate his consumption so that he’d feel better on a regular basis.

Hello again.

No, he does not respond well to me trying to encourage him to eat on time, to me working to get him food he will eat, or to me making sure he has his meds since he won't do it.  It galls him that I am fighting weight issues from my own systemic inflammation and non-IgE allergic-type reactions, but that I am not diabetic.  He will take pills, he will go full tilt for a few days and insit on exercising, then have a bad day, stop for a week or two, then act as if I talked him out of it and try to talk AT me as if I am stopping him from exercising (he will not do it alone, he won't eat alone, he won't go for walks alone, or swim alone.  If I happen to be ill or busy, I am "stopping" him from exercising). 

My thoughts are that his BPD is what makes him less compliant, but diabetes and his lack of planned meal times and consistency affect his moods wildly in addition to diabetes and so they combine where you'd have a cranky diabetic who needs food or to lower their sugar, plus an irrational adult screaming at you, throwing things because the pizza that just got delivered (that he requested) does not have light cheese, it has normal cheese. (True story, happens 50% of the time when we order).

He claims he hates being and feeling geriatric, but then he refuses to take consistent steps to not feel that way.  He is so used to putting himself into some victim box, and simply complaining day in and out, that he won't see his own agency and ability to do more to feel better.  And eventually, I get yelled at as if this is all my fault, that I don't care, that he's a "meal ticket" (I earn more, and have carried us at times when he was not working, but ok.  His job is important primarily because it is his ticket to health insurance, but in his moods, he claims he'd rather die).

I am tired.  He picked two fights in two nights and is claiming he wants a divorce.  Last night?  The cat got sick on the bed, I cleaned it up but did not notice it soaked through to the sheet, so I say own to play a video game while he showered, so I could then take mine.  So he had a 3" spot of damp on the bed and came to me angry I "expected him to sleep in cat vomit".  Of course, I did not, but I am evil and mean and horrible right now, so all things bad in life are my fault because I am a child, a bitch, I am supposedly treating him like my Anti-Social personality dad (nope, never spoke back or "argued" with that man, he was scary and still inspires fight or flight even after 20 years of NC), and what took me less than 10 minutes to remedy required him yelling at me and me trying to disengage for about 2 hours.  While he had a supposed migraine.  Which is supposed to excuse everything.  And now he is "punishing me" by staying home from work.  And he wanted to delete my saved game from the Xbox ("his" Xbox I bought him for Christmas several years back) because I am being too lazy to keep up with my "chores".  So, I deleted it myself.  I am not allowed fun.  I am supposed to keep him company, do chores magically when it won't make him stop and wait for me so he can watch a movie with me, and somehow have energy "spoons" to do this plus work 40+ hours a week.  And work out, cuz I am a piggish whale. 

He does maybe 5% of any housework.  I do it all, having reconciled myself with the fact if I lived alone, I'd do it all anyway, I just have more trash, more dishes, and more laundry.  And more groceries.  His mom is a hoarder, and has trouble with mobility at 71, and so her house has problems with her 6 cats.  I did not bring in our cats.  He did.  I just take care of them as best as my immune disorder allows.  And some days that means the litter takes an extra day to go out.  You know, when I get a migraine myself and can't see or balance to walk?  I spent Sunday and Saturday doing dishes, going to the store, doing all the laundry, and skipped the video game before bed in order to catch up on laundry.  But I get yelled at when he is mad at his mom.  His sister was being an asshat lately, so I am getting yelled at for her actions.  And, two student workers, sisters, who worked in his building went cold suddenly in mid-June, so I am getting yelled at for that, too. 

I am just tired.  Typing helps, I cannot journal, my older posts say why.  Cannot afford to counsel and I have trust issues with it.  And, it's a small town.  I would not have the safety of any anonymity.  So I come here where maybe 3 people would figure out this user name, and he's likely not one. 

When he is not in this mood, we are really good together, I think.  I am just tired of being disregarded, told I am letting myself go, mostly because my MCAS is triggered heavily by stress, and he is well, stressful.  Work has stress, life has stress, aging has stress, plus there are airborne and weather-related triggers I cannot run and hide from, so I feel like normal people with the flu feel.  daily.  Tired, no matter how much sleep.  Achy.  Chronic migraine issues from vision problems and aphasia to searing pain.  Arthritis has made my normal pastime-knitting/crocheting, difficult.  And, he wants to "punish me" by refusing to "allow" me to go to my weekly knitting group.  And is threatening to make me sleep in the yard.  All because a cat got sick and I did not immediately change the sheets, thinking that wiping it up but leaving the blanket there in case she got sick again was a good idea. 

I really hate this stupid condition.  I had/have no parents or family because of it, and I have a spouse who leans on me and I can't really lean on at all.  I am trying not to cry right now at work, I have a meeting in 30 minutes, but I put up my wall last night to keep myself from reacting like gasoline on a fire, and it's all hitting right now.

Funny thing - let's say he quits work today.  He still won't do any housework.  He has been like this before, back about 2006ish, not going to school, and not working or only working 3 hours a day.  I still came home and cleaned, because he'd be playing video games or having guests over or whatever.  He snapped out of it, and then the isolation from COVID lockdowns has him sliding right back into it. 

 :hug: :hug:
You are dealing with a lot and it sounds like you need some IRL emotional support, which doesn’t seem readily available.

Have you thought of online counseling? That would be a way to ensure your privacy. Perhaps on your lunch hour at work?

I've looked, it seems expensive, and we have lunch together, usually at home most days.  I had come here a while back asking if people knew of counseling resources, but don't think I got much by way of reply. 

Do you think he would be open to a continuous glucose monitor? I am a type 1 diabetic and this is what I use. It takes away the onerous task of finger pricking, which can bring a lot of shame (surprisingly) and embarrassment. The CGM I am thinking of particularly is the Dexcom G6. This one is truly continuous, can go right to your smart phone.

It sounds like the act of diabetes care isn’t the core of the issue, so I’m not sure this would be helpful. As someone without BPD, I have experienced numerous moments when I want to throw my diabetes care out the window because finger pricking, etc can feel like a huge task, especially if you are focused on other priorities.

His mom has one, he has so far refused the idea. 

BPD is the core issue. 

Diabetes greatly exacerbates it.  A "normal" rage becomes really horrible if he needs to eat.  The need to dodge personal responsibility to avoid shame and blame makes it all my fault if he doesn't eat, my fault if he doesn't exercise, my fault, simply because I am the "safe" person to project all the blame onto.  I have had food thrown at me, drinks poured on me, he has stomped about like a toddler (seriously, it'd be comedic if it was not scary) and made himself fall from the act, he attacks himself, and yes, he has tried to attack me (I know all about violence, grew up with it, but have no recourse, so please, no advice to leave, no where to go).  A normal rage will simmer down over time.  One that coincides with low sugar, will go on and on and on, for hours and hours and he will make himself sick rather than eat, so I can be blamed for him being sick, too.  This happened once when a pizza was delivered and had normal cheese.  He had me order LIGHT cheese and spent 2 hours ranting and made me order a new pizza from another store.  No, he won't do it.  Tough love is just going to get one of us hurt. 

He is obsessed with blame, everything has blame, even if he can't do something because of outside circumstances like it rained the day he wanted to be outside. It wasn't just happenstance, it's my fault or someone else's, anyone but his, that he didn't do XYZ sooner. 

I'll throw this out there for you to consider.

My partner self harmed in non traditional ways.   Mostly we think of cutting or hair pulling as self harm.    My partner would self harm in other ways.

Is it possible the refusing to care for his diabetes is a way for him to deliberately damage himself?

How do you think things might go if you reacted to his diabetes the same way it's recommended to respond to self harm?