BPDFamily.com

Hello,
My brother has always been violent, quick tempered, and angry. When he became a adult he was officially determined to have BPD. I struggle most with the future. Because his anger is not often directed at me, my mother attempts to force closeness between us because she wants him to have connections, but I am not ready for that. Just because he isn't violent towards me doesn't mean I should be okay with a relationship with him. It would be different if he was getting help but he refuses. He is violent towards my parents. I think of it as a similar concept to the way that children resent their fathers for hitting their mothers. It would break my parents hearts to know I feel this way. Make them feel like they've failed me as parents, but thats not it. But the fact is that one way or another I grew up in a violent household and for them to know I believe that would kill them. I have a lot of selfish thoughts about him in the future. Like how I know that when my parents die one day, he'll get half of everything they owned but I will be dealing with the funeral alone. That he might not live alone successfully and that when they're gone I will have to make the choice about whether to make a financial sacrafice to take care of him or to leave him. I won't leave him, but he wouldn't be welcome to live with me. So I'll be stuck with a financial burden. I want to love him. I want him to be a part of my life in the future, but all he does is take. He took my childhood, he takes away my free speech at home because of the eggshells we walk on, and he's on track to take part of my future. I want him in my life when he can offer anything in return. Anything at all. A good conversation, kindness, joy. Anything. And I feel so selfish that I think these things when I know he is struggling, but he doesn't want help, and he isn't trying. I'm caught between my parents broken hearts and a sibling who only takes things away. I'm not really sure what I want out of this. I've never ,et anyone in a similar situation to me at all. I just wish this could all go away and that I could have a normal sibling relationship.

A big hug to you!   Your post will help parents who sometimes have blinders onto the impact a BPD has on all the family.

Learn how to set your boundaries and find support for yourself to help you identify those needs with both your brother and parents.  You have been traumatized.  Your pain is real and just as important as anyone else’s. -- you need time and your focus to heel from your own childhood so you don’t sustain lingering ptsd from all you heard saw, and felt. 

I think your concerns of future are valid and a sit down with your parents is warranted.  They may have made plans and have a trust set up to help your brother with monthly assistance upon death.  Most of us parents do have such contingency plans.  And your obviously at a age if your thinking about this that transparency would be helpful.  It’s time to have a open dialog. What would they expect from you .is a fair question to ask. Your parents love you deeply and will want you to thrive in your life and future.  Hugs to you.  Resources on this site will help you understand and gain skills to better handle your brother as well.