BPDFamily.com

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. I have CPTSD and he exhibits strong BPD traits. After years of verbal abuse through yelling, name calling, threats, etc and one instance of physical abuse, he has agreed to start therapy (again). He tried therapy a few years ago but the therapist was not a good match for him, and I was understanding when he wanted to switch. But he didn’t, and the abuse continued. Now he has started again with a new therapist who is trauma informed and also does DBT. So far she seems great, and he speaks openly about his therapy (his choice, I would never ask). He tells me he works with her on his anger issues, and is honest about how he has treated me. He expresses  regret and acknowledges that he has re-traumatized me. He tells me he wants to right his wrongs. Yet he still yells at me. Not every day, not even every week, but when he does it makes me feel like my world is crashing down again. i can literally see in his face during arguments  that he tries to stop himself from yelling, I can see him struggle. But it often ends w/ him telling me to stop talking so i don’t “set him off”, so it’s either I choose to be yelled at for arguing my side of the argument, or suffer in silence and become a doormat.  We have a small child and I do not want to divorce him, but I have expressed to him that he often does not leave me any choice, because I’m not going to give my child PTSD like my mother did to me by staying w/ an abusive man. I’m torn because this time he genuinely seems to be trying to change, and he doesn’t deny how he treats me. Should I be more patient? I do not want to make him feel like I don’t recognize his initiative, because I do and I appreciate them. But it’s almost as if now I’m trading the yelling for my feelings being ignored and silenced.

tell us more about how these incidents go down.

generally, how do they start? what does he say? what do you do?

Thanks for your reply. So in this instance, I had asked him nicely to put his clothes away when he got the chance. I expressed some frustration because this had been the third or fourth time in the course of a week I had asked him, and the only reason it truly bothered me was because I had to vacuum and clean around it. He had told me several times he was going to do it, and I 100% believed him. I leave my out too sometimes, it’s just his pile had been out for weeks and was getting pretty big. And I typically put his clothes away for him, but there was so much and I’m often told I don’t put them away right. He replied that he didn’t have the time but when he did he planned on weeding the yard first, because he was “the only person who was going to do it”. I took offense to that because why even mention that in reply to what I asked? At this point the argument was pretty normal. I was still annoyed and had something to say in reply to that but at this point he was shutting down the conversation and interrupting me. I asked him why it’s okay for him to interrupt me, when I don’t interupt him? His go to response is “I don’t give a f***, I’m done”. Maybe I should’ve stopped there. But I was still angry and said “no one would wash or put the clothes away if I didn’t” only because of his weeding comment. But it’s the truth. That set him off and he began yelling at me, and I began to dissociate so I’m honestly not sure what he said after that. I asked him calmly to stop yelling at me, and he literally yelled “I’m not yelling, I’m raising my voice”. It ended with him angrily putting the clothes away and then we went to bed. I didn’t even ask him to put them away right then and there, just the next day when he had time. The next day he apologized for yelling and said he was overwhelmed. Which all of this I understand, except the yelling. This brought up the convo of “How can I avoid pushing your buttons, while also being able to speak”. It’s something he plans on talking to his therapist about. This was a very mild example, and thankfully our kid was asleep downstairs and didn’t hear it. In the past it has been much worse, which is why I can tell he is trying. I’m torn though, at what point do I accept being yelled at in the name of treatment? I understand I probably should have just let him shut it down, but what am I supposed to do when he hurts my feelings and I have something to say about it?