BPDFamily.com

Hi all, this is my second post of the day. Sorry, it’s just that I’m having a bad day and trying to distract myself in a productive way.

I have been self-reflecting on myself and asking why I was initially drawn to a bpd relationship and why I stayed despite the red flags and break up / make up cycles.

I often read that we tend to have our own issues stemming from childhood trauma or unstable family dynamics. Whenever, I see this I have to disagree that these aren’t the reasons for me - I have amazing parents who I’m very close to and had an amazing childhood.

After thinking about it,  I believe I’ve identified why I personally found myself in this relationship. I was born with a physical disability (cerebral palsy) which slightly affects my walking and my right hand. Despite this, I have an amazing family, great friends, nice house, nice car and a job that I love. I’m very active and do not let my condition stop me from doing anything.

Despite this, I have a voice deep down that tells me no one would ever want a romantic relationship with me. How would women ever find me attractive? This has always affected my confidence - I hardly talked to girls as a teenager and only started putting myself out there into my 20’s with little success.

So, when my bpd ex came along and instantly idolised me, it was like I’d met someone who finally understood me and saw through my disability. Not only that, she was beautiful and loved me.

There were major red flags right from the start but I was instantly infatuated and thought I’d found the love of my life.

As time went on and things became more negative and toxic, I still stayed because the validation I got from her that I was a loveable person was amazing - addictive even! Even though there was always drama and criticism, my happiness and confidence were sky high!

Unfortunately, as with most bpd relationships, it has now ended and I’m left picking up the pieces and trying to make sense of things. My self-esteem has been hit really hard but I’m doing the best I can and even joined the gym this week to get back into shape.

I just wanted to share what I have learnt about myself after reflecting on the relationship break up.

Thanks for reading.

Please don’t feel alone. We’ve all been there, now try working on you, not why she is like the way she is but you. You will get through this.

No need to apologise for posting. We're all here to talk  :hug:

Your post is very relatable. Like you, I had a good childhood during the formative years (0-6). The following years were rough but I got through everything without lasting trauma.

Like you, I was drawn to my BPDex for his beauty. And what's more – the fact that he found me beautiful, too. I simply couldn't believe it. I'd always felt unattractive, ugly even by today's standards of beauty – women always seemed to agree, though there were always men with what I can only deem a peculiar taste.

Then my ex came along – a kouros incarnate. An ideally chiselled physique, a luscious head of hair, the most magnificent face I'd ever seen, with a kind of old-fashioned, raw masculine beauty. All that, coupled not with bravado and arrogance, but with a shy and tender demeanour. It would have been almost impossible not to fall in love.

After we got together, I opened up to him about my insecurities about my appearance. He jumped up and exclaimed: "What! How do I say this without exaggerating... when I first met you, I thought you were the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in person." (Oh, the allure of the idealisation phase.)

The strange thing was... after a short while, it was as if his beauty had rubbed off on me. I looked into the mirror and suddenly saw the beautiful woman he was seeing. It was most striking when we were standing next to one another. We just fit and seemed to make each other better.

After he left me for the second time, I felt like a complete failure as a woman. The beauty he had brought out in me left with him.

Here's the curious part though – actually one of the things his acquaintance inadvertently taught me and which I am forever grateful for:

I once lauded his nose and chin, and joked that I'd even written about these features in my diary a long time ago because I'd found them so remarkably beautiful.

And you know what? He couldn't believe it. "My nose? My chin? I've always hated those about myself! My nose is too big, and I've always felt that my chin disfigured my entire face." Of course, this couldn't have been further from the truth. It turned out he had a myriad of insecurities, too, and couldn't believe he had "landed" me. Neither of us had originally thought we'd have a chance with the other.

He, too, started to look at himself differently when we were together.

Alas, it wasn't enough.

The point I'm trying to make here is: Whatever feature you're struggling with, be it personality- or lookswise, or something else – there's probably someone out there who thinks it's exquisitely beautiful. Other people often don't see us the way we see ourselves. Most of the time, they are a lot less strict. Sometimes, they even love our flaws.

It is my hope that I will one day meet someone who'll feel the same way about me as I feel about him – just someone without a personality disorder. And I hope you can, too.  :)

Ditto - Thanks for sharing.

Rev

They pick us.
pursue us.
   At least that’s my experience.
Then use and discard us when we push back.
    And i end up missing the craziness of it all.
(Getting over that more everyday).
 

Exactly as I experienced it - I was a "choice" and in my case - two things happened.

1) It went further than she expected because she got caught.

2) She totally under-estimated me.

What a ride.

Rev

Discard.   
  One of those terms used in these relationships.
    I look at “discard” as this. When I would no longer supply oxygen to inferno consuming us and somehow we are legally divorced then comes the discard.
    Divorce is divorce I guess. Typical stuff.
A discard is true paint it black stuff.
  And it’s fine. I understand and not hurt. Just working through it in my head.