BPDFamily.com

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (now ex) for a year and I grew to have so much love for her. During this year, there have uncontrollable anger and outbursts from her followed by so much passion and love, which I could never understand why. Just a month ago, we found out she has BPD. I started reading about it and getting educated on it so I can be a more supportive partner, but it just seemed like everything I did or said triggered her. When she would think anything, I knew there was no way to change her mind. Her insecurities overpowered her way of thinking, she never trusted me and she made me feel like I couldn’t talk to anyone. I tried asking for a break so that she can seek help and follow through with therapy because it just seemed like I was a walking trigger, my presence was. She begged me to stay and be there through it, which I did. A month passes and we get in the worst fight where she broke my phone, my laptop, and shoved me. She wouldn’t let me pack so I can leave, I just wanted to get away from her. Finally packing my car, I left. I am currently living at a hotel and I cannot sleep or eat because of the amount of pain I’m in. I’m hurting because of how the last fight got, the fact that I’ve abandoned her, which is something I never intended to do. I miss her. Her BPD is so aggressive, I just want her to gain control of it and understand how she can always be one step ahead of it, because I want my life with her. I tried to love all of her, but the BPD was destroying me. Right now, I have just been walking around like a zombie, looking at her number, wondering if I should call and tell her these things or just completely let her go. I wanted my life with her and I tried to be there for her while she went to therapy. She noticed how she’s been so she decided to go to therapy. She wanted to keep our relationship so she tried. Please, I want to know what to do because loving someone with a mental illness is something I’ve never experienced, but I am willing to do what I need to for her, since she has been trying for me.

That she had displayed violent behavior is concerning. Once the genie gets out of that bottle, it’s likely to happen again.

You saw both extreme sides of the BPD spectrum—the passionate love and the intense violence. This is what you’d have to expect in the future, should you resume a relationship with her.

People with BPD have difficulty continuing therapy as the process necessitates them examining their deeply felt feelings of self loathing and shame. It is possible to see behavioral change, but that requires much time and commitment. It’s not a quick fix.

That you are feeling so much pain, yet at the same time thinking that her BPD was “destroying” you makes me wonder if someone in your family of origin had a personality disorder. Many of us here who love someone with BPD grew up with a parent or sibling with such a disorder. We tolerate behavior that would send others running because it is *familiar*.

that she took the initiative to seek therapy is a good thing.

what it portends for your relationship, in the long run, is anyones guess.

there are a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of broken trust. for her, to the extent that shes able to process it, there is probably a lot of shame around the way, and the degree to which, she has acted out toward you. no doubt, being on the receiving end, i imagine its no easier for you.

my point is to get across that coming back from this, getting on a healthier trajectory, its not a small battle. it would require a lot of time, and extraordinary patience.

as far as whether reaching out would be a good idea or not, its hard to say. how are you feeling about it right now?