BPDFamily.com

Well, since I told him I was ending the cycle I found out he’s trying to recycle his ex that he was with before me. Is this common?

Incredibly so.

You'll be hard-pressed to find a poster on this board who hasn't had to contend with an ex-partner's ex either after or even during their relationship.

I believe now it is a continuance. Her ex relationship fell apart and in despair, pushed herself to me. I was simply available and willing at the time, if it was not me it would have been anyone else.

What I'm not sure of is the fine points, if she did it to make him fight for her back or see if he would. He didn't. I found out she still kept contact tho she admitted to me, but only as 'friends'. I didn't mind. Then a month or so she told me she is out her depression about him and feels nothing at all. So he got split black, i doubt she truly ever will get over him, or any of her exs, the splitting is a coping mechanism but it's not healthy closure.

Id actually largely overlooked this in all my analysis it got me thinking. Thanks for sharing.

I assume that’s because of their inability to be alone and self-soothe and constant need to have someone to fill that void. From my understanding, she wants nothing to do with him. I have blocked him on all social media, and his number, so he won’t have me to fall back on either. I assume he will just move on to someone new at that point.

So I keep telling myself that he's going back to her because he really loves her and wants to make it work...I had a habit of comparing myself to her while we were together so this has just made it worse. She is beautiful and seems sweet, and while I know I am also all of those same qualities, it's still hard not to compare. He seeks out the same type of women. Caring, empathetic, sweet, etc.

Anyway, deep down I know it's not because he loves her, and he didn't come back to me all those times because he loved me either. His mom told me the same thing he did to me, he did to her. The same push/pull cycle, the lying, manipulating, gaslighting. I remember when him and I first started talking he painted her as this crazy monster who abused him and invaded his privacy. Obviously I know now that's not true and if it is, it's because he drove her to it. I ended the cycle so he's going back to something familiar to see if she will still fill that void, not because he loves her. Even if they do get back together, nothing will be different. He has received no kind of help. Sure, he will be on his best behavior for a few months, but inevitably, that other side of him will come out. His ex even told him "You ruined me. I'm going to have to go to therapy and I never want to date anyone ever again."

Marv, this is exactly their pattern.

When I started dating my ex boyfriend (who was diagnosed BPD) he told me how crazy his ex was. How he never loved her. Several examples of crazy stuff she had done. That they would break up and get back together several times.  (I was thinking…who does that?)

After the 8th time he discarded me he tried going back to her but she was in a relationship. After the 9th and final discard he went directly to her. I was just furious. Really? The crazy woman you never loved?

I found out since then he discarded her and he’s on to the next person. I guarantee I also was described as crazy.

They do the EXACT same thing to everyone. No one meets the need they have. It was not you that fell short and he’s not going on to have a great relationship with his ex….or anyone else.

I promise.  :)

Hi Hopeless! Wow, thanks for that! I got all of the exact same stuff. I had told him how I ended things with my ex that I dated before him because I had mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship months before after realizing we were better as friends (we just weren't compatible). He told me (regarding his ex) "Like you, I checked out of my relationship with her months before I ended it." Wow, so weird. It got to the point where he started using my previous relationship against me. When he would try to end things with me he would say "Just like you felt with your ex, I feel like you and I are better as friends." WOW. I finally got so mad at him for doing this because my ex is a good person and didn't deserve to keep getting brought up. I yelled at him "Do NOT bring him up again, leave him out of this!"

Anyway, I do think his ex is done with him. From my understanding, this is the 2nd or 3rd time he's tried to go back to her since we started our on/off relationship. Even going as far as trying to apologize to her parents because they can't stand him. I'm sure he will try coming back to me but like I said above, he's blocked so has no way to contact me. Although I'm sure if he's determined enough he will find a way. I blocked him once last year and he told me if I hadn't unblocked him he was going to leave a note taped to my apartment door.