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My sister who cut me off from my father by her absolute addiction to control...and just came around and told me my father died last night...I wanted to push her off the deck because she was speaking about how hard his care was...she excused me from everything , and got complete control over his life and is standing in my house pretending like all is Ok...I am so numb and angry.. I have had a gin and and I don't drink...I don't want sympathy...50% of the drama  in my life is almost over.

She excluded me from everything ..

Yamada, I am so sorry for the loss of your father, and for the distress that your toxic sister has brought into your life.  Was it an unexpected passing?  I’m so sorry you found out in this way.

Share more when you are ready.  We are here to support you. :hug:

Yamada-
I am sorry. I understand the ambivalence. I loved my father and it was horrible to lose him. Yet, my BPD mother controlled our relationship. I would comply with her because I didn't want to disappoint my father.

So there was also a sense of relief from that fear, even though I was sad and missed him.

Lots to process. I think we get it.

it was the sense of 'we are family" in the face of everything she has done...

yamada,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and this added pain from your sister that you're going through on top of the grief. Perhaps you are feeling betrayed by that sense of "we are family" that you mentioned?

Don't forget to breathe.  :hug: I know this is so hard. I lost both my parents and in the process there was so much betrayal by family members. Not sure which was worse, the grief or the anger from the betrayals.

 :heart:
Wools

thanks..After excluding me from every decision over the last 3 years..she wanted me to come to the funeral home...I didn't

I considered not attending my father's funeral. This might sound surprising but at the time, I wasn't up to being around my mother and her FOO. I went mainly because my children wanted to go.

I don't blame you for not going.

I think it helps to have some ritual for closure for you, to say "goodbye" to your dad in your own way. If you are religious, then look to your own community for some prayer or some ritual. If not, then do something that has meaning to you. Do both if you wish. One idea is to make a donation to a charity of your choice in his memory- of any amount.

There's not one way to grieve, even if you feel relief too. Do what has meaning to you.

I am sorry for your loss and for all the feelings around how you heard the news of your Dad's passing. I still go back in time to the week leading up to my Dad's passing almost 6 years ago. At times I feel like I am torturing myself, yet it serves to remind me to continue to reinforce the boundaries I desperately need to continue to deal with a toxic uBPDm and an inconsistent FOO. Grief comes in waves and we all deal with it in our own way. We are here for you.

I put this on facebook
"I am selfishly and very publically putting this out here because covid and my family, as in parents and siblings situations have removed all the normal rituals around death and it doesn't feel real.  I  found out on Thursday night that my dad had died the night before.. for reasons I won't go into we had been alienated from each other and we had a complex relationship because of outside influences, that for whatever reasons he wouldn't or couldn't manage. Thanks to all those who knew the complexity and have been very supportive.. there is really nothing else to say...except it is a relief that I am not the only one who has been in this situation."

I have got some messages from people who had the same relationships with their fathers and felt the same and that's a relief... I feel guilty for feeling nothing.

There isn't a rule about how someone should feel. When people grieve - it's over the loss of the relationship, and if there isn't a relationship, or the relationship was not a positive one- then there may not be the same grief.

It would make sense to not be feeling the same as someone else who had a different relationship.

You are who you are, and feel what you feel.

Also feelings can changes with time. You may not be grieving right now. You may not grieve at all at any time. You might feel a lot of emotions at once. You may also feel numb and feel nothing for a while too or maybe not at all.

Just take care of yourself. Feelings are feelings and no need to judge.

When my father died, I felt grief, sadness, guilt, relief, and anger - all at once or at different times.

So sorry yamada. I understand that feeling of sadness and loss, particularly when your sister uses the “ we are family” to justify her actions.  Loss  triggers pwBPD, and my recollections of my sisters behavior after our fathers death are some of the worst memories ever.  I totally resonate with your situation. You aren’t just processing the loss of your father, but so much more.

 When you say 50% of the drama is over, what exactly do you mean?  I sense there is clear relief, but there is lingering drama awaiting.   What kind of relationship do you want with your sister and family following your fathers death.  Does it change things for you and how?

yamada,

I know you don't want sympathy, but that's brutal to be cut off.

Skipping the funeral certainly sent a message,  in addition to your Facebook post. You needed to do what you needed to do.

What's the other 50%?

Yamada,
My heart hurts hearing how you really could not be a part of your father's life in his last years and now he is gone. You are not alone, and we are here to support you and listen as you work through the many complicated feelings that come up after such life long traumatic losses. My brother and sister have done everything they could to cut me off from the family, including severely limiting my access to my mother in her last years. In my last phone call with my mother, she was begging me to come see her and I knew that I couldn't. Keep staying true to your heart and be there for yourself, knowing that you have experienced many life long losses because of the family that you were born into and the hurtful relationships between different family members.
We support you on however you decide to honor your father's life in ways that are authentic and are healing for you.

Thanks You have all been very kind... Because of covid restrictions funeral numbers are small.so my sister decided to delay the funeral, have him cremated and then have a memorial service...What has worked very well for me is the number of people who have come out and called me.. I had forgotten I wasn't alone and that I am worthy and loved... My father was a manchild who avoided conflict and so my mother and sister took advantage of that... He has one unforgivable flaw that one day I may forgive him and that was using a bed in the house that I was raped on as a child.. I asked him so many times to get rid of it and he didn't..However, I do understand the pressure he was under with my mother and sister and they were relentless when it was something they wanted..I have given the funeral directors things to put in his coffin and they are so wrapped up so tightly that my sister cannot open them and the directors said they will place them so she cant move them.  The numbness is wearing off and I cant cry..or I wont cry.. I am going to ask for a teaspoon of his ashes so I can have my own private memorial so when my family cant get together we can say a few words and scatter them. If my sister refused me that then the consequences  will be awful..

I think having your own small ceremony is a wonderful idea. I wish you peace in your grief- in your own way. Maybe tears will come, maybe not. Your own way is -- yours.

I understand it's hard to reconcile some of his actions. I am sorry you experienced such a horror. It did help me to consider that it was difficult for my father, for anyone in the family, to say no to my mother.

don’t ask or tell her.  Just speak directly to the funeral director privately.  I believe they are used to this type of thing.  She can pick up her ashes.  You can pick up yours separately, and avoid the drama.

I did.