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Every day at the moment, we are going through stages of my wife screaming and crying because she can’t get comfy, also she is breastfeeding our youngest which makes it harder to get comfy. I suggest different cushions, pillows, different seats in the house. I just get screeched at if I try to help, or if I stay silent. Say something! Make some suggestions! Something you didn’t say yesterday! I have said for years I will but a new sofa though for the first couple of years I was annoyed because there’s still so much to pay off. I don’t know if it would help honestly. She blames me for not getting a new sofa although obviously she should be the one to pick one. Any idea what I should say? I say I’m sorry. She screams, you’re NOT!

Since I am not able to help right now I am going to walk the dog and leave you to some peace and quiet.

Its not helpful to have harsh words between us, I'm going to the store for milk and will be back in X minutes.

I've offered my suggestions, that's all I can do right now.    I'll take child 1 to the park so you can relax with child 2.


Don't stand there and be screamed at.

Thank you for your suggestions. It would never be acceptable for me to just say, “I’m popping out..” under any circumstance, without discussing and agreeing it first.
So the milk, I can get it sometimes, but she would like it to be her idea not mine. And actual example was the other day, I offered to get milk, she said (frustrated) “noo.” Then a while later she said, “right  you get milk now.”
The dog is officially her dog even though we got him together. We were supposed to both get a dog but she wanted to get one first and it turns out he won’t get in with other dogs. I adore him but again I am only allowed to walk him with her permission which is hardly ever granted.
I have never taken child 1 to the park or in fact anywhere without her. The only time I’m on my own with her is at home and we’re not allowed out because it’s only when the little one has hospital appointments and “why should you get to have fun while I’m up the hospital?”

Hey BP, good to keep hearing from you. Glad you had some solid experience with SET!  |iiii

What, specifically, does your W do, when you do something "without her permission"? Is it different, the same, or other, than what she "usually" does "normally"?

I find myself wondering the same thing as our friend Kells.


what exactly happens to make you think you are 'not allowed' ?

Hi Kells and ducks,
So usually I do try to avoid my wife getting angry if I can help it. If I “defy” her or “disrespect her wishes” then I surely pay for this for some time. In the worst times she has been violent but usually she just withholds affection and any kind of love towards me, sometimes for weeks or months. This really hurts me. With the sofa, she wants me to suggest something helpful, so she would see it as me just leaving her to cope alone with her misery and pain. She also likes me to hold the baby while she tries to get comfy, and then hand her over, that’s easier than getting comfy with the child in hand.
Kells, you asked me another question before, have I managed to make her less jealous by not painting my nails etc? The answer is definitely not, though she is pleased when I comply with what she asks. She is jealous of everything and anything I have a relationship with, my family, the kids, work people, the dog the gerbils and basically anything which gives me pleasure, ironically this includes keeping the house clean as I said, very strange most people (if they don’t like cleaning) would rather like their partner to do it right? Hmmm I just don’t get it. I don’t even like cleaning really I just l like it to be done! And with the washing it’s like, I get accused of taking over but then I get blamed when the kids have hardly any clean clothes to wear..

You're paying either way - by giving in, you're lessening her reaction in this moment and you're setting a standard for how you expect to be treated. By setting boundaries, you're triggering her abandonment issues and resetting the way you relate, to make it healthier in the long run. The question isn't whether you'll pay, it's what you'll pay for. What is worth paying for?

Has she been violent with the kids?


On a practical level, breastfeeding can be a lonely experience. It does feel like the world goes on without you while you feed the baby. I can see why she wants support while she feeds the baby. "I'd love to stay and help, but if it's upsetting, I will be in the next room. Stress isn't good for you, the baby or your milk supply."

Hi joy,
I am trying to set healthier boundaries etc with the support of you wonderful people. She actually wants me out of the room whilst settling down and then bring baby in when she’s ready. Sometimes she’ll come in and be chatting while she sorts her cushions and then I’ll say something in normal conversations and she shrieks, “GET OUT!” Sometimes she will take the baby and let her cry on the sofa while she gets ready. I try to remember to shut up when she’s sitting down, even if she’s chatting to me. Milk supply has always been an issue with both children and I usually get blamed for stressing her out.
She has never been violent with our very little children. The oldest was shouted at lots as a baby when wife was struggling with breast feeding, and it absolutely broke my heart.. But she doesn’t shout at her much now. The youngest was in icu and has ongoing health issues which has been a terrible time for us all, but one good thing about it is wife has never shouted at her.