BPDFamily.com

I’m a grateful love addict with two years solid recovery and a strong support network, together 10 years with my wife (legally married for 8). We pretty successfully navigated the ups and downs of partnered life until about 4 years ago when 1) a family crisis dredged up more of her childhood trauma, 2) I left my low-paying job and became a full-time PhD student (with her blessing and support), and 3) she remained in her high-paying, high stress healthcare job after being rejected from a medical fellowship (we applied to school/fellowship at the same time). Midway through my 2nd year in school I was thriving- finally happy to be moving toward my life’s calling- and delighted to share it all with her… and she was… gone. That’s the only way I can describe it, she was just completely avoidant, shut down and keeping me at arm’s length. I panicked, went into 12 step recovery, and worked my program hard- because MY life was totally unmanageable! As a result, many of the negative relationship patterns we had changed and things seemed to be getting better.

A few years back we had talked about possible separation, but neither of us followed through. Then 6 months ago she started pushing for divorce. She couldn’t explain why, she just kept saying she wanted to “change her whole life.” Now her line is “I just want to be alone, I don’t want to be married anymore. I love you, but it has nothing to do with love.” She yells a lot, accuses me of not caring, and refuses to talk about (or listen to me share) anything that she terms “psycho-babble” (even if it’s just average life stuff… I can’t think of a good example, but point is she reacts to me as if I’m an overbearing parent no matter how much I detach with love or how supportive I am in a healthy way). She yelled so much about how I needed to find a mediator (because she “didn’t want to just serve me with divorce papers”) that I finally did what she asked and made an appointment. She talks about splitting up like we’re roommates and gets mad if I get emotional about breaking apart the life (and blended human/fur family) we created together.

I am heartbroken and exhausted. I feel like I’m on a weird gameshow where nothing makes sense, and any action I take in response to her direct requests is flipped around like it was my idea and therefore I’m “on the attack.” I’ve read all the books, consulted countless “experts” and been told over and over that I need to let her go. I’m posting because I sincerely love her, I see how much pain she is in, and— even though I now have the good sense to “get out of the car” that she’s steering towards the proverbial cliff—  I’m still hoping she changes her mind about divorce and finds (accepts) help.

hey. so sad hearing similar stories here and anywere else relating to this illness. i think when they are done, they are done tbh. when the begging for forgiveness and the i love yous and im sorrys have stopped...we are seen as fully devalued in their eyes. their mind is made up unless they later see what they have done, by then it may be too late in your heart. my partner has gotten to this point and i love and care for him so very much, to the point im frightened for my heart to deal with letting him be. its really an unfair and hurtful place to live in our hearts and minds ay

so sad hearing similar stories here and anywere else relating to this illness. i think when they are done, they are done tbh.
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Thank you for replying. I’m sad, too… just taking things day by day, taking care of myself the best I can. Still hoping and praying my wife does get to the point of realizing what’s going on and wanting a future together…

If she is "done"...why is she still in the relationship? 


What is she really "saying" with the confusing things she says?

Best,

FF

ive found some neat advice on this page where ive not read in research or other articles etc. start being kind to yourself, set small achievable goals, then bigger ones as u tick the last off. praise yourself, put some colour in your world literally like redo a piece of furniture up, find a new hobby, something u have been curious about perhaps? do u. she may be curious about u again, she may not. but u owe it to yourself after the emotional ride yv had.if u have any contact, these ppl have advised can be hopeful, dont put pressure on, just be gentle with answers and offers of support.she may be left wondering... find your strength in things U do for U

Those are excellent questions. I started a reply a few days back when I was feeling optimistic and secure and my answers were simple:  She’s still here  because she does care about me and values our relationship (or at the very least doesn’t want to lose me). The confusing rants come because she wants to be heard and doesn’t feel her feelings are acknowledged and understood.

Today, however, I’m in a darker place after another mediation session yesterday and a big argument last night. The story in my head now is that she’s actually trying to leave the relationship as fast as possible, but she’s still here because she feels sorry for me or somehow it’s true that I’m dragging out the process and “won’t let her leave” (like she says). And the confusing rants are her frustration at my denial that she’s done with me.

I realize that sounds so f*c&ed up. I feel crazy in the head and so mad at myself for allowing all this stuff to get to me.

 
Thank you for the encouragement. I do have several projects and fun things just for me. Trying to maintain my balance, take care of me and focus on myself. Hard to do when she’s antagonistic- I get “lost” in these interactions sometimes :P