BPDFamily.com

 :help: My husband went almost completely no contact with his NPD mother and enabler father about two years ago after trying for many years to maintain a relationship and his sanity. Finally decided sanity was more important because nothing he did was ever right or enough and the stress nearly killed him. Literally. (I tell this in case it has affected our daughter's with BPD actions.), Our adult daughter with BPD cut off contact with my husband about 10 months ago. Our daughter is also going through a separation and eventually divorce from her husband. (From information from her, the divorce decision is mutual.) As far as we can tell our daughter cut off contact with her father about the same time as their decision to separate and ultimately divorce. We tried for many years to find out what was wrong, to get our daughter the help needed. She was born with issues of hypersensitivity with touch, different sounds, sleep. She developed a heart condition, neurally mediated hypotension, as a teenager, which she eventually outgrew. It was not life threatening, but very life altering. She was also diagnosed with depression. She has not had it easy, ever. We were not perfect parents and realize we made many mistakes. When she became an adult we did our best to help as needed in many ways, treat our daugher with respect as an adult and maintain an appropriate relationship between us. Her contact with me/mother, currently, is only superficial, an "as needed" information from her, or when she needs me as a "mommy". We are completely blown away by our child's decision to cut off her father. We have no clue why. Their relationship was good. If I expected her to cut off one of us, it would have been me. When we realized she had cut off her dad, I confronted her. Her response was that it was part of her healing. She didn't specify healing from what and said she was not going to discuss it anymore. Evidently, our other daughter was aware of her sister's decision to cut off her father. She has assured us that she would never do this to us. We are trying not to put our other daughter in the middle of this.  Also, our daughter with BPD is aware of the boundaries her father has set with his parents. We told her and our other daughter that we were not telling them how to have or not have a relationship with their grandparents. Our daughter with BPD said at one point she was on "team Dad" and we had nothing to worry about her regarding her attitude about us or her relationship with us. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.   

*welcome*

I'm so glad you found us and decided to post your story.

I also want to commend you for your wisdom..in your quote below.



It's important to keep all these relationships in separate buckets.  (at least in your mind)

This will help simplify the approach to each of them.

Can you give more information about what "cutting off father" looks like.  Is it completely no contact..no response?

What happens if in the brief times that you are on the phone with her you put on speaker phone for Dad to say hi?  What happens when Dad reaches out with an invitation for lunch (maybe via text, email or even a call)?

I'll check back soon to see your response.

Best,

FF

@formflier
Thank you for your response and your kind enouragement about not putting our other daughter in the middle. It's nice to know we are doing something right. Re: cutting off  contact with dad. If I am on the phone with her and her dad says, "Tell her I said Hi." she responds with an obligatory "Oh. . .Hi". When he reaches out to her in any way, she will not respond. She completely ignored Father's Day and his birthday. They have always had a good relationship with many mutual interests and activities. When she told me about her failing marriage, he contacted her and told her he was sorry for what she was going through and that he was here if she needed him. No response from her. I realize we are not the only ones going through this, but he is devastated. ( We both are. We are going through all the emotions of devastation, anger, hurt, grief, incredible frustration, etc.) He is already struggling with his decision to enact strict boundaries with his parents. Could her decision be triggered by hers and her husband's decision to separate and divorce? We honestly have no idea what happened.

Hey...!  Great job responding quickly!  Your daughter and family are lucky to have parents that are "leaning into" relationships...trying to do the right thing.

Couple thoughts.

Right thing:  When it comes to relationships...I would encourage you to resists "dichotomous" thinking like right/wrong.  Relationships are much much more nuanced than two choices.   

Am I accurate in my observation that your daughter has not explicitly "cut off" her Father, it's more of an implicit thing from her actions or inactions? 

Have you asked her directly about status of her relationship with you?

Same question but for your hubby.

We can help you navigate these "choppy waters"...this can get better!

Best,

FF