BPDFamily.com

This group is for sure one of the greatest things I’ve encountered while having a relationship with a pwBPD. However, I still find myself feeing alone from time to time given that most of the experiences that one may live with a partner with BPD are incomprehensible for the rest of the world. The dynamics in which I (we) get involved while having a relationship with someone who has BPD are looked down as toxic/not worth it/incomprehensible (at least in my experience) even though I (we) choose to be here everyday.

How do you approach your friends when you need someone to talk about situations that arise from the relationship dynamics? I know not everybody will understand, but surely there must be a way for it to be more probable.

How do you do with the loneliness when you feel like nobody understands your situation?

FYI: I go to therapy, but sometimes it is just not enough.

Hi Chibid,  :hi:

I think it's really important to meet the needs we have: emotional, spiritual, and even our physical needs (for example through some sort of exercise). I've found that as I meet the various needs I have,  it helps quiet the inner turmoil. I have some good friends I reach out to, not all of them to dialog with about my difficult situations, but also to have fun with. There are a few that I can safely talk with who grasp it as best they can.

Do you have friends who can help you in some of these different areas?

Wools

Hi Wools,

In my case it is difficult to reach out to my friends specially because me and my pwBPD share the same group of friends. This implies that most activities that involve friends, also involve her being around. It’s not like I don’t have some me time, but that particular aspect of feeling supported is tricky.

I have other friends but those aren’t close for me to talk about these topics. So, I feel misunderstood by my friends and at the same time having fun only with them is not that easy.

I’ve thought of finding new friends is a solution for what you said about having people to have fun, as I would want to have fun by myself and not while also having my pwBPD around, but making friends is out of my depth nowadays.

Maybe having other ways to vent out could work, but I go to the gym, read books, have a satisfying job, eat well and tasty, etc, so I’ve always felt like the friends part is the one that may be missing.

That makes sense why it is especially hard to talk with friends since you're in the same group. We know that a pwBPD typically doesn't show who they really are in groups or to outside friends. It seems to be close family that sees who they are.

I think looking in the circles where you do things to nuture yourself is a great place to start looking for healthy connections. There are also opportunities to consider what hobbies you might like to explore. I know that I was so invested in my marriage that I didn't know what other things I might like, so I encourage you to explore some options. When my need became great enough that I paid attention to it, like you are doing, I started to allow myself to think outside of my day to day box.

What things might interest you? I enjoy bird watching, and we have a local store that offers chances to go and watch bird banding during the migrations, for example. I know there are book clubs too. I picked back up my archery hobby from my childhood a few years ago, and I have two friends to go and shoot with now at our local park.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. This is self care on a simple basis that is well worth exploring.  |iiii

Of course this family here is a great place to find listening ears and caring hearts too.

 :hug:
Wools

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Now that you mention this, I think it hits the nail right in the head. I always thought of hobbies as activities for me to do only by myself, which implied doing them mostly alone. But looking in the circles where I do things to nurture myself is, indeed, a great idea as I may get removed from day-to-day situations with people who wouldn’t necessarily have to know my status, but would provide a part of this space where I nurture myself.

Furthermore, looking into these activities may give me space from my pwBPD which I find healthy and necessary as with any other gf/bf in a way that doesn’t look like I’m escaping the chaos in which we might get thrown in.

Having spaces to nurture oneself may be one of the aspects that I feel like I’m missing as I wouldn’t necessarily classify, for example, going to the gym as this type of space. It seems to me from what I’ve read in the boards that something that may happen while being with a pwBPD is getting a little removed from the rest of the world and nurturing circles could be a good remedy to this.

At least in my case, the frequency at which I feel sucked by the relationship is not very often, but still having that feeling which was more frequent at the beginning is part of what makes me want to have friends to talk it over with. Having these other activities may help me to cope with the whole situation.

 Thanks a lot!

It's easy to feel trapped at times in relationships that are difficult, especially with a pwBPD. Healthy outlets helps to ease that, as well as beginning to allow you to find yourself and who you are outside of the two of you. We don't always realize where we start and where the other person ends anymore because we have become so entangled in trying to please the other.

Good for you! I hope to hear a report back at some time letting us know how it's going.  *)

Wools